FUXK ME

i've been thinking about fandom, and getting other people into the things you like. like, what that means, for you two. it means a lot, right? because you are what you like, in a way; at the least, there are parts of you in there, and you want them to see it. or maybe you want them to see themselves in it. or see you both in it, together...or be into it together, setting the thing aside?

i've spent a very long time caring about the identities i have. the ones on the internet; i've long thought i have no control over my real life identity, for various reasons unrelated to this topic. i've been under the impression i'm sort of OK at being these me's i create, because, well, people seem sort of interested in me! that's what i like. that's the fun of it. all of my rentries, and bios, and stuff...i try to talk to people through it. to make them feel like they already know me a bit. and i think it sort of works. some people think i'm cool!!! they say things like

yoy seem so cool oh my god bruh :cry: :cry: hit me up twin please lets be #oomfs

i don't know who you are butwas going through rentries with swear words. found /fuck then found you i have no idea what any of the stuff on it means but ithink i explodedyou lot seem. cool

ok wow light mode is super duper light. Ok so i habe an origin story .ok. Like i was searchibg up rentry urls for fun and i decided to look up /fuck Ok., and um i read a lot of it ok Sorry and i found mention of /daisuke so i wnet to daisuke SO BOOYAH IM HERE NOWOK!!!!! yoire actually cool ok yeah Woah this is long ok bye. skibidi.

and i think about these messages fairly often. not directly, but they influenced me...they um, sort of reflect this dream i have. to be around, and seem like i'm doing something with my life, with myself. this dream has people seeing me, and thinking, he's got it figured out. he's doing things, and maybe if he weren't already on some set path, we could be friends.

i wonder if this is a dream because it would explain why no one tries being close with me. sometimes i get sad about it, about how alone i am, but i chose & choose to be, so...can't wallow in that for too long. but it'd be nice, wouldn't it? if people WANT to talk to me, but they don't, for some other reason. i guess this is maybe a downside to talking to people directly. it doesn't let anyone...find me. no one just happens on me, i guess. i'm always talking to them first! i just...i don't like it a lot these days.

and i know my current friends want to know me. but...i don't think they wonder about me. i think they like friendship, and enjoy my company, you know, and stuff, but i...and i know i'm no one to speak on this...i just think it's easy to forget i am just as human as everyone else.

you think those are related? my own habit of dehumanizing people, and the habit others seem to have, dehumanizing me? doesn't...everybody do this? am i the only one trying to stop?

but maybe i got this all wrong, and no one is thinking this hard. maybe i'm just unapproachable, or too angsty to want to know. too angsty to like, try understanding, or fixing. too defensive?

thinking like this, about this, will get nowhere. i know it. which is why i'm writing. maybe i'll stop thinking about it now.

um...but what. ugh. like, ... what if i'm good at knowing people? i'm told that, right? maybe i made it up, or its all circumstantial...or maybe it's true! maybe i'm good at knowing people. then how could i ever expect to be known? wouldn't that be like, my job? it feels selfish, for me. i feel, um...very self centred, when i choose not to instigate conversation, or choose not to put on a facade to have a good chat. i don't know! everyone deserves to feel like...to know there's someone out there curious about them! and it's true, i really am curious. even though i'll forget about it all, the person and themselves, all of it—i still wanna know. want them to know i wanted to know.

i don't know. i don't know how aggressive i am, you know? do people see me as generally stoic and rational? do i let people talk? or am i a judgy bitch that talks over people? how am i to know these things? how could i ever know? isn't that like, subjective? this just. this is annoying. i want to be a blank slate so badly. but then i'm sitting around remembering just...how little it seems anyone wants to know me! like, boy, you WANTED THAT! you choose to be nothing! alllll the time!

and then i hear myself, and i think, what fucking year is it? you've been saying this for years. you sit and you wonder "why doesn't anyone get it, that i'm a liar?", and you're all dramatic, and it's...it's nonsense. this is all nonsense, and irrelevant. i just need to focus on being a better friend. a good friend. a good person, maybe.

i just think. i might be too mentally ill for friends and a life and a sense of self! and i don't like hurting my friends. and i don't like trying and trying and getting nowhere. i cannot handle being that weak. why is this guy such a jackass? hello? does anyone know? guy who is addicted to being alone: i'm so lonely ("addicted" = completely and utterly logically & rationally convinced he HAS to save everyone from himself!!! while it turns out all o fhis bad habits ARE the complex ITSELF i mean what complex who)

whatever. i'm going to go watch supernatural. this will cure me. oh fuck me typing that made me sad OK WHATEVER IM LEAVING im going to eat food and clean and be happy and shit. my friends love me and i love them. just 'cuz one guy doesn't like you and you're salty does NOT give you the right to be an asshole. for the record that is unrelated to this post but i have to remind...myself...anyway.

thanks

this is so silly. does anyone ever feel better about themselves 'cuz i laugh at their jokes? does my respect or care meannn. anything. to anyone.

Hello All. Title unrelated.

I don't like. Describe myself a lot here. At least not things I find fundamental, unless its like, prompted...or really relevant to what I'm saying. I've been sort of wondering why that is. Here's what I've come up with.

First of all, I've truly stopped caring what anyone who has to read any of this has to think. While I understand that doesn't mean my words will stop mattering, or that none of it will be read, I am the only reader who will really get what I'm on about, and it's really all for referencing in the future.

Second of all, I'm writing to make myself feel a bit better. While I care a lot about what I'm saying here, of course, if it helps me feel better, then, it's done it's job. If it's documenting something it's doing a second job.

That's all for now.

This doesn't mean I'm not embarrassed or ashamed or anything. Of course I am! But I don't need others, per se, to feel that way. Looking back is bad enough Lol.

Oh god I miss him so much. For no reason. No good reason! I can't help but be like, enamoured, a bit, that he did the thing I do. Went on about how he is, and I sort of...ignored it, and then. You know. I can't blame him at all. He probably does not think of me. Which is... Preferable, is what I want to say. Preferable cuz I'm ashamed. But it isn't preferable at all, and obviously I wish he liked me.

Thats enough of that though.

I don't talk about a lot of my direct feelings here. About other people, anyway. I've probably talked the most, in this manner, about how I look...if I had to guess. I don't know why. I keep thinking of my two reasons—aforementioned—but...

I just really do like being...um like, close with people. It just. Sucks so bad! It sucks so fuckiing bad!! I'm not good at it. Fully communicating. Worrying about what page people are on. I think this is probably why I miss him; um, I sort of... didn't worry a lot. With him.

Every relationship is unique. Obviously. It bothers me quite a lot, being understood in so many different ways. Someone more embarrassing might bring up a certain Strider, a character with tons of explicit history with this subject.

Ugh. Brother. See, what even is this? I must've doomed myself the day I first prefaced.

I definitely do not talk about sex here. Maybe once, Actually. This is for a few reasons I'm confident in.

1. It isn't that important.

2. I'd prefer people think what they want.

3. Its a personal thing.

By personal thing, I don't mean just like, to me. I mean between two people.

I don't reallyyy...feel like I need a sexual relationship, with anyone. I am not into it on my own, by any means. I don't sit around fantasizing about anyone. But, thats probably mostly because I have no one to think of. I care more about...people, than anything else. There's a good chance that you, reader, know where I stand on this, but I'll elaborate anyway.

I happen to understand my own sexual preferences. But these are hypotheticals, always—in reality, I'd love to just make someone happy. And...well. that's complicated.

To some people, that'd require me to play a role. Typically under discussed, and stuff. I'm not great at that.

Don't get me wrong. I understand the appeal in under discussion more than anything in this entire world. Not needing to explain is possibly one of the coolest things people can fucking do. There aren't words. The way people feel, when they don't need to use their words...its better than anything else, to some! The game of it all.

But I was thinking recently (or for a while, I guess...), and I've concluded that as much as I'd gladly go along with anything that doesn't need words—(um, as I have, before)—my ideal...sexual situation, would be fully discussed. In a loving way. And how loving IS that? To talk about it?

I just don't need anything. And It sort of makes me sad, to think about all those people out there, wishing someone, literally anyone, would just help them get it over with. Even if it was terrible. Like, why wouldn't I want that? To fuck around in the least shameful way possible?

But, On that, it's... Nearly as shameful as not talking at all, I'd imagine. You'd have to trust that it really didn't matter. Haha this is like me and friends OCs. Jesus christ. Well, it's, like...it is like that, um, like a Scientist and a Subject. To be a subject, to trust someone to...like, help you, properly, that's...pretty embarrassing. But So Romantic. And so Fun. Ugh.

But how do I...well, I don't. There's no need for me to evwr express this I guess. But I couldn't, even if I wanted to. Sex is just too personal. No one would let some guy, whos like, oddly eager, like, learn...how they work. Lame lame lame. If only it were that easy I guess!

I'm sure theres a big community out there, of people who're weirdly into other's "first time". Typically, right, thats because its about...being the one to take it. From them. But I think that's ridiculous! The opposite is way cooler, no??? You could do so horrible they enjoy everything from here on out. You could help someone do better. Get started. Like...whatever. Whatever. I just don't get it. Isn't it hot to have someone trust you to do whatever and see what's nice? What about like, a schedule. A 'To-Try' list. How isn't that fucking awesome. And Both Ways. Holy! You could!!! UGH THATS JUST! Whatevwr Bro. Whatevwr. Whatevvvver. Not important.

I'll likely continue to only have sexual relations when someone else has an idea for me and I sorta go along with it. Apparently my fuck ass idea of peak isn't good enough. Apparently it sounds "a bit predatory" (as if I know any better than anyone else? We're on equal ground.), and apparently not everyone finds it hot to just, be liked, and thought of. WHATEVER!

I'd like to note that the only way someone I think would be into that sorta thing is within some sort of Dog Boy scenario. Ohh stupid dog doesn't know how to do anything and needs you to let him. Fuck You man Why can't just a regular guy want to fuck around in a naive way witnout like, barking or something. FUUUCK YOU

And like. I don't know. I don't know. It's silly to me that there are a few people out there who know I'm like 10000% sexually comfortable with virtually everything and enjoy discussing it, and then, what...what does everyone else think of me? I guess they probably Don't Think Of Me. But surely theres a percentage of people who think I'm petplayer for real right. Horrible. I'm not an Anything Player. I'm whatever someone else is into. If someone else is into it, I'm like, already blushing!!!!! But Nooo. No Callie. You can't talk about it. You can't randomly flirt with people. You can't be all direct and forward, people like their games. You all have to die.

Callie No. You can't have some really odd and unique sexual relationship with just anyone. It wrecks people! It wrecks you! It doesn't matter that it's soooo awesome and attractive and awesome. You're TOO GAY.

Wow. Too gay... Not cool, Me. Not. Cool. They're killing you tomorrkw.

FRRIIICK!!! CALLIE!!!!! YOU HAD TO MAKE YOUR AHOLE.THING... BEING...... SORT OF...... FAUX SMART. But no one even wUGHHH GHH HHHKKK.GHK GHK This must be Dirk. This is wny he ljke 100% stalks Jake instead of just talking to him. He can't fuckim do that. Whatever. Whatevwr. I don't eben...like people that much, so...I don't eben lime. Like. Sex. I don't even like sort of sexual flirting. K do t eben like it. I DONT EVEN

i'm thinking about before, again. before i really had anyone i mean. what comes to mind, always, and what i use as an example, always, is sitting in the library asking my good friend at the time for numbers.

here

this is what i think of when i think "i don't need people; i've done just fine without them before". but i have to wonder iffff. i could ever actually go back. i don't think so. i just love everyone too much, and there is no natural progression in which i could go back, without doing some bad things i wouldn't like doing.

i really want to be alone right now! but what gives me the right to act on that? i'm genuinely concerned that without it, i'll mistreat my friends, true, but just being like this at all is bad. i nevre talk to them anyway, who am i to tell them when they can talk to ME? what if this is not some sort of thing i'm controlling by leaving, but giving in to, like i sort of suspect it is, and therefore its even worse to just blabber on about how i need it; like, thats like, lying?

3:10 AM - Good Friend's Apartment
I think I might go to hell

Like Actually I'm fucked

ok, here is the problem. the new problem. of many, ok, but the newest one. get off my ass

i have an identity. i am a person, and i like it. being a person is nice, when i am alone. but then, other people, right? whats up with them? they see me, and who i am impacts the way they view me. not so much a fan of this. how am i to understand people when i am a person?

the less someone sees me, the more i see them. that's nice. that's sick as fuck. and it's probably why i talk to so many people who really don't care about me at all. that, and, you know, i love a bit too much, or whatever.

i am sort of jealous. of all these people. and their identities. they know themselves. and they are me. they are so me! but i like, don't be expressing myself, because i like people too much. that's kind of sad. kind of very sad. but i just can't help it. i'd rather be no one than be hated!

* wait sorry. i like being hated. i just don't like being disliked. being hated is likeee...OK, because i think there's rarely a good reason to hate someone, therefore, it basically doesn't count. of course, that is just what i tell myself, and it makes me deeply miserable to be reminded of how many people um...get upset at just my name, or what i look like. but you know. that's not relevant RN

so how do you get over that? how do i get over this? it just feels so self centered. to be someone, and then talk to new people, being someone. you're all like, Oh look at me I'm me. what about them??? so much more important. what if i'm expressing myself more than them? then how do i know them? how will i ever know them? if i'm more me than i am them? uhhhhggjhh! why!

and you know! you can be yourself without expressing yourself. this is, thankfully, always an option. then, if need be, you can be known. you'll exist when looked at. that's nice. that's really nice. oh but man man man its just FUN to express yourself. it's fun and i am starting to fear that if i don'ttt do this for myself, then, well, i'll never be happy!

but can that really make me happier than other people can? i'm not so sure.

i for sure imagine that this will change a bit when i am older. time will certainly add a lot of certainty to my being. and, of course, the more people i meet, the less i'll want to. which is ridiculous, cuz there's so many people i haven't met, but, that's just the way it's gonna go.

been watching supernatural. i am on episode umm. 8. well. technically 7, because i somehow entirely skipped 6? so whatever. i'm rewatching six now. but if i HADN'T been stupid, i'd be on 8. i think.

it's 6:30 PM, and i should be studying for math.

people areee...oh man. people. people people. there are so many and i care a lot about em for nooo. no reason i really um... no reason i can really understand. sometimes i guess i do! understand! but jesus christ! i am too in my head to live with people. like to live in a world with people. i will, it feels like, forever be in here, andd uhh. well. what am i supposed to do?

i guess i wait. people are what pull me out, too, you know. my loved ones. but then again! same people that make me want to! be normal forever! because i hate! hate! hate! hate all of you! hate them! hate us. HATE BRO. HATE!!!! why do i have to DEAL WITH so much and whyyy does everyone ELSE have to deal with so much. why are we all so much. it is fun but like ohhhh my god i just what is even what're we doing bruh

i haveee no one to talk to again. and i can't even talk here about the things i'd like to, because, people have the ability to read this. so what am iii supposed to do. i do not Wish i had someone to talk to, really. but i keep going to! i keep going to say things to someone and then realizing i really can't tell anyone! and its just. i'm just sort of left here. and i can't be sad, or try to tell someone, because it is my fault for being shameful and not wanting to talk.

i talked to ONE guy about it. but we're not close, so its not like i can ever bring it up again. i think he understood though. it felt very nice to um...be heard. this is a waste of time.

i know that in the end, i will want to be better. i will talk, and be so embarrassed it took me so long, and then avoid letting this happen again. but gosh its just hard. i don't want to. i want to be my own person and i don't want to need this. like, to need people. i just love them so much. i love knowing and talking so much. jesus christ its just so beautiful and so wonderful. there are so so so so so so so so so so so many people. and everyone is so unique. and they can see me. and talk to me. and i can tell them things. i can change them. and they can change me. and i still have no one to talk to. how can that be

i am tired of talking again though. i want to sit and sleep with somebody and not need to do this right now. buttt unfortunately for me i am not ONLY chopped, at the moment, but i have NO ONE WHO EVEN! likes me that much anyway!

hey guys. i think there are 15 people here right now. i'm...tired. i am tired.

i'm thankful for all of the ways i've changed. i say that a lot, but i don't know, it's just very hard to...believe in meaningful change, personally, when the same things happen every 2 weeks without fail. my brain feels sorta useless.

but here we are. i pay attention to where i look, in recent times...and in what ways i move. i'm slower. i'm careful. it's refreshing and stuff. christ i am so tired. not um. i mean iguess i'm a bit tired as ins leepy but. i'm gone! i'm gone. i'm so gone. i'm. where am i. it's ok. i gotta keep it lighthearted. i need tooo keep remembering that. its ok. its ok. i am hurt. i am hurt and light. and stuff.

gosh, this is like, when it was bad, a while ago, right? this is like hands!!!!

here i am drinking shit i don't like. well. what a mild form of self harm This is. must be the best, right? its temp. i mean so is...so is like a lot. i could be drinking or something, doing real real perma damage to my head. i could be smoking. i...really could be smoking, actually. i have no idea how i'm not already. i spend so much time thinking about it, and i know exactly how i'd go about it. BUT it is ok this is ok. LMFAO, thank god i do not have my hands on anything truly harmful. i wouldn't try. i spend a lot of time thinking about all it or whatever, but it's ok, 'cuz i have my own shit to be doing. drinking gross coffee and walking at night. ghhl its ok oits ok its iITS so ok. it really is. HUZZAH

the smell of a freshly unboxed plastic kiddie pool

i miss it. i'm not sure what reminded me of it, exactly, but...it meant that it would take some time, and we're not there yet, but you know. patience. and stuff.

these books i'm reading...they are about sad adults. sad adults who want a single way to look at the world—a view that will change them, save them. thats the impression i get anyway.

i can't really think of things this way...life, in such simple terms. this is for a few reasons:

1. (and most importantly) i am very young. my life is very young—and my experiences. it seems to me like its very easy to take the easy way out when you feel like a waste. you let yourself start thinking simply, as lives as less than individual in all the ways they are...i imagine its much easier to be self centered. to think of yourself as a basis.

which is understandable! you've been alive for what feels like forever. it IS forever. it's, what, nearly 40% of your life? you think you have some idea of what its like. of what things really are. but i don't think so. i don't think anyone knows that, but especially not you. you're missing something. something that the children aren't missing, and something that the seniors aren't missing. we all need each other to try to understand. philosophy is important for this reason: we have to listen to each other through the times. we have to try looking back, and forward, and in front of us.

it's probably so easy, too. it certainly is for me now, so why wouldn't it be later? to read something, read someone's thoughts, or ideas, if its fiction... and then just think of things that way. just reference one thing. well that's silly, and you gotta avoid that. you cannot think of things simply unless it itself is simple. kindness is simple. kindness is to be kind no matter what. society is not simple. people are not simple. your actions—individually—are very simple...but your thoughts are rarely just as such. your actions—all and all—are very very complicated, because after one, your actions become more. your actions have consequences, and so on, and so on, forever.

hope is simple. keeping hope isn't, but, you know.

2. it's silly. it must be easier to see the flaw in these things—and not just see, but consider and apply the knowledge of the flaw—when you've been thinking these sorts of ways your whole life. there are some people out there who really don't think about things in the whole, like philosophy tries to get you to. that's why a guy can watch fight club at 20 and believe tyler durden. they don't know any better!

i don't know much better. but i try to base things in what i do know, about myself and others...i should probably be educated. but maybe it goes to show how little education matters when it comes to little things, hands on things?

RE: New Post

i have a lot to say. this is good; means i've been thinking clearer. it doesn't always, i mean, there are long periods of time i can't write anything down, for a reason i'm about to try explaining, but this isn't one of those cases, thankfully.

i've been secure in my identity for a little while, first of all. that always makes things easier. my gender identity is a big part of it i assume—to go off on a little tangent, about that, real quick, because i've been meaning to:

man, it's just much easier this way. being trans. i cannot imagine not. whether i use the word or not, i mean...i can imagine that, calling myself transsexual or some other thing (or nothing). but it is undeniable that i see myself as a boy. that won't change. i don't think anything could really change that. i doubt myself sometimes, when i spend too much time looking in the mirror, or whatever else, you know. but the doubt isn't about what i am, the doubt is just caring about what others think.

which, at my best, i do not do. i do not care about what others think. i care in the way i care typically of course—its interesting and i like knowing—but it does not affect the way i see myself. no amount of she/her-ing me will change that. i say, sarcastically, sometimes, "it's ok to be wrong. we all make mistakes." and when people misgender me severely, i sort of think that in a genuine sense. it's not your fault i guess. even if it was on purpose, its not your fault you're stupid. or even if it is, which is...possible, i certainly won't be worrying about it either way!

well anyways. the last time i was this secure in how i was perceived was probably a year and a half ago. november of 2024. not sure if my math is accurate there.

i feel bad these days of course. other than this thing i still haven't explained, this is a very typical time i'm living.

i forget things a lot. it's really annoying...when every few hours, or days, or weeks (BAD BAD BAD, that is TOO MUCH TIME between), you think of a convoluted explanation using words you don't understand, and then think, right after: "holy shit this solves everything. if i keep this in mind forever, i'll be good forever!" it sucks to forget. it sucks real hard.

you can feel it missing. you can feel the allocated time, the time your brain allocated for you, knowing this would happen, telling you "if you had just remembered, you wouldn't need this. but here you go." "oh, and, here's what you were looking at. it was this spot of trees. will you think of that, instead, every time you're stuck?" and the answer is yes, i will. i will think of a part of the car i was in, or a sign nearby, or whatever, instead of my explanation. thank you!

for the past few days, i've had a thing floating around. it's simple. simple enough for me to remember. so i've been able to live, while not forgetting. that's unique. that's...great. it's great.

here's what i've been thinking about:

it does not matter what you believe. how you live, your philosophy. what you believe and your philosophy impact you lots—the ways you think, and view, and reflect. but to make it easy, you can judge your philosophy by, generally, your treatment of others. if your philosophy does not account for others, then it is not something you "live by". it is something you remember, in private, and purrhaps promote to others.

your treatment of others is your life. do not forget that disregarding others is still treatment of them. everything you do, all of your actions, these are about others. generally, i think, you should strive not to be an asshole. to be considerate, and to be open. being open minded is hard, when you're trying to find a philosophy to live by. so you kind of cannot do that. you have to just try remembering what you need, and when you overthink, you need to...probably keep it a You problem. do not let your faults become other's problems—but do not forget that keeping from others can be hurtful too. you owe something to everyone. sometimes what you owe is so little its almost negligible, but it should NEVER be neglected.

i'm starting to think that, if you live like me, you'll never stop thinking. if you make everything you think a you problem, no one will have any real reason to trust you. they will trust you out of "faith", maybe? but you have to trust people too. and get over embarrassment and other silly concepts. be shameful, in a considerate sense. try thinking briefly. don't sit in it.

which is why i'm so glad i've been able to do this! to keep a thought to myself, wait for the chance to think on it, and then continue living. fantastic stuff.

now, regarding "new post", i'm just sort of glad i understand it a bit better now. "fight club" is certainly not meant to be taken as advice, in any way. but i guess i need to try being a person, so i have more than my thoughts to talk about. do ANYTHING to avoid ending up like jack. anything. but also do not forget in what ways you are Like jack! you did, for a while, and you sort of stopped being a person. you gotta be alone sometimes.

right now i am future me. i didnt need you to remind me how it felt. but i appreciate it! i remember very well. and i remember why it was good, in a way you put into words at the time. here it is again: simple, embarrassing shame. sometimes you need that, alone. don't forget, future me, you could be doing much worse things.

to do:

• send letters
• go on walk (to mail letters)
• tape
• cut hair probably
• do some science work! and cultech
• be alone be alone and do your work alone
• do not worry about thinking. you will get to it. you always do!

CLOSE MY EYES AND I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT EVEN IN MY LIFE
I NEVER WANNA LEAVE AS I SEE MYSELF RUNNING OUT OF TIME
MISTAKE AFTER MISTAKE ITS SAFER IF I DISTANCE MYSELF IF THERE'S A WAY FOR ME TO NOT DO WHAT I HAVE DONE FOR SO LONG

ok so its not fixing itself.i cannot believe i was doubting myself and STILL AM!!!! i WONDER BOY I WONDER IF ITS BIPOLAR! i wonder! i wonder! its not like you get all on edge and start thinking insane things nad trying to uproot your life over nothing! its not like you need isolation bduring those times! FUCK YYOUUUUU. FUCK YOU ITS NOT LIKE YOU NEED TO SPEND ABUNCH OF MONEY OR HARM YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUCKJ you ok fuck you. ok. get out of my face. stop like Being a person. it is annoyign it is annoying me and probably other people. presumably other people as well.

DON'T BE SORRY, IF YOU KNOW THAT I'M LONELY
I DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND.

like, while i am trying to situate myself, othe rpeople are...around. like around me. they care about me and also i have to put up a thing for them. i dont wanna have to do that. that fuckign scusk. but thats not to say i would rather like, just talk to them off the cuff! that'd be AWFUL for both of us! i cannot think, so I HAVE To be alone. it is unfortunate but that is the way it is. this itsef is the closest i can get to talking like this. i just have nothing to say in my head. it is over it is done i am over i am done and dd and and nad i dont' know what to say. i can come up with so much but none of it is fundamental. it's hard to say fundamentally what this is.

it's like, every time this happens, i'm being given a chance. i can either stop thinking or stop talking! and last time i picked stop talking i got fucked in the ass really hard. i was trapped in hell. so i guess the only optuion is to stop thinking. but that sucks. it just sucks. what am isuppose dto say or do? if th epeople who like me are curious, i hav to lie, really, because talking about it is thinking about it and thinking about it leads me back to hell. jesus CHRIST BRUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL ROADS LEAD TO DEPRESSION

IN MY MIND I SEE WHAT I WANNA SEE, AND IF IT GOES WRONG I THINK I'LL NEVER BE THE SAME, BUT I KNOW IT'S ONLY MAKE BELIEVE

ITS SO hard to imagine that peoples lives tend to be just split up by natural things. eras based on friendships and years. every 2 weeks i am reinvented! i am new! (in 3 weeks i will be old). what is the point of this. it will go on FOREVER. is it possible to live bipolar without being on meds? i am starting to doubt it just myself. i'm not sure i could do this forever. like the whole flip flopping! it is fucking me up! it is fucking my school up! it is fucking my social life up!

can a LAWYER be bipolar? jesus christ!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK ATMY LAWYER DAWG IM GOING TO JAIL

I DON'T want to be this self centered. i want to think about better things. but this stupid. i can't. i just can't. i'm trying soooooooo hard but ohhhh my god bruuuuuh

SO, DON'T BE SORRY IF YOU KNOW THAT I'M LONELY, I DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND.
IF YOU CAN SHOW ME THAT YOUR THOUGHTS ARE ALL HOLY, I'LL PRETEND THAT YOU KNOW ME LIKE YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO

ALRIGHT ALRUGHT ALRIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT. IT'S...I THINK ITS OK! i think its ok. wait. i think its alright. i think i'm ok. the people understand something is wrong, and all i need to do is giggle!!!! i miss doing that. not like in an edfgy way. because its genuine. i really do want to laugh i never know what t otell them and its just i can't helpi t i don't know what to say. so they go how are you lol and i go LOL good question goooood question. and then thats that. thats that that that. they understand. they don't need t oReally get it. thats okay. that's alright. this is all alright. everyone can be that. everyone can be someone i don't explain things too, and i can try my hardest to be an object to them, to get through this. and then, when i am alone, this will go away. it will. it has to and iknow it will.

MAYBE IT STAYS AS IT'S ALWAYS BEEN
HAZY AND THEY SEE WHAT WE CAN'T SEE
PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT ME AROUND
AND I'LL TRY MY HARDEST TO BE GOOD

uh oh!!! well. uh oh. well. fuck

not great. not great not great. i thought i was doing pretty OK actually, and then i stopped to think, and now i am in a bad position. i have to stop thinking! i have to go do stuff. but i don't want to, i want to get to the bottom of this. why is my stomach like fully flipping. why can i not hold an expression or behave proper. fuck this stuff. fuckkk all of this stuff. i am tired. i miss being alone i think...which was bound to occur. but how am i supposed to remedy that? actually being alone is worse because i'd need to set that up, use my words, which...i'm sick of doing. this is when i would run away. and i wouldn't explain any thing. but i can't do that.

so i guess we will hope it fixes itself.

much to think about.

i want a desk. a nice desk. i want a house and to eat and read and sit and listen and walk. it's so bright out despite it being nearly 9 PM. i want to type and think and talk...to...my girlfriend. i miss my girlfriend. jesus christ

right now i am at tim hortons. it is 11:37 PM, meaning, about 25 minutes into third period. this morning my mother gave me five dollars for no reason. tomorrow i go to see project: hail mary in theatres with a best friend! that is exciting. right now there are about 7 STUDENT ohh i forget their...i forget what they are. they wear shiny uniforms. medical something? police? fire maybe... i'll see if i can notice later.

across from me, two boys are flirting with each other. one was sitting next to me earlier, but he joined his friend. he plugged his phone and airpords in next to me, as i sit next to the plug. come on guys. he just came up and is testing some bullshit... how charged there are, i guess. for some reason, both came to check. probably cuz they're close. that's sweet.they keep touching eachother. like, an odd amount. and the other one is very embarrassed about it. they're being fairly normal though. that's nice. people are nice.

update! seven was correct. and they' I FORGO TIT AGAIN. OH MY GOD. it starts with m. god damn it. any awy, the other gay kids are here too! the closested ones! there are two duos of gay kids at this tims, sitting across from eachother! what a fucking world :)

1 billion more years of this and then i die and it is gone for ever ever ever. the fuck is up with that. and i will have to try forever? and ever? i hope that eventually i behave in a way that lets people actually care about me and stuff. it would be beneficial for both parties presumably. i would not like to be so alone, and it cnanot be fair to Be so alone while trying to Be There for so many. all or nothing

uh oh! uh oh!!! uh oh!. uh oh. how did it take me so long to fucking. think about it like this?

it seems that i'm not All Here at all. i've always liked thinking i am, but i've always Known there was something wrong about it. when someone comes to me looking for advice on complicated subjects, i make up whatever i can to convince them. that is how philosophy works, i think. you can argue anything. that's what i do. i argue and argue and argue until it doesn't matter anymore.

i dream of so much. so muchh thattt. i have rarely put into word, because no one else needs to know. no one needs to understand why i like not knowing certain things, and why i need to know other things. no one needs to know where i want to die.

hal-con was one of these places that i dreamed of. i never thought i'd be there. i really didn't. i wonder if i'll ever really get to go back. i was...unfathomably manic. i wouldn't think of it that way, really, but i was just um...ecstatic. i've never been that happy in my entire life. i mean, um...i feel that happy, sometimes, but it's just when dreaming. day dreaming i mean. remembering things like that place, and the others i wonder about.

i didn't think it was real. i didn't think it could be done. i still don't, for my many other dreams, but if it's been done once before, maybe there's some truth to them?

i am not unique. i need to find out what the fuck i'm talking about, so i can learn if its possible, if i'm just delusional.

the first time i tried explaining this was when i was around 11 years old. i was talking to an internet friend, standing outside.

i don't know how to get it across.

one of these dreams comes to me when i am outside at night. or, used to, laying on the pavement...now there are many for the outdoors.

when i got broken up with, i didn't fully understand. i liked the unknowing, and the stress, quite a lot. it was a dream come true, like, literally. um...not the way the phrase is meant to be used, but the way i use it. my dreams. my untouchable concepts that iiii. that i wait for. it was like that, in real life. there was so much...it was just like an actual dream.

but! it wasn't, for him, i guess. it was just a relationship, and he did not like it. that's perfectly fair, how could i blame him for living in real life?

i didn't understand until now that this is where the issue stemmed from, my dreams. i don't know how to talk about this.

there's a dream i come back to a lot, using this animatic, or just the song.

one of my summer dreams. skipping class, knowing my friends will join me, being alone, observing, being hot, getting changed in a public washroom, not caring about my hair, having money, loving somebody, being thought of, knowing later will come, keeping an eye on the time. that is how i try recreating it. and it mostly works...thanks to Hundred Line, actually! the routes remind me what it's like to be so much at once, and Eito, too...he is just so much, and he thinks so big. like what i think of when shuake comes to mind.

how am i going to do it? spend a life time talking to people who do not think this way? i have so many dreams that will die. jesus christ. i want to try living one again. i want to live one of the train ones, or one of the city ones—with the windows...

"dating"...there are so many dreams about this! so many ideas, and feelings, between two parties...if sharing dreams was possible, dating would be the most incredible thing in the world. i imagine this is why some people don't communicate. so they can live out their own dreams.

while cheating on your partner, meeting up in a special place, you are living a dream. i think that's a common one. or maybe travelling the world at random? but i think dreams involving others are risky, and extremely rewarding. this is miserable. but it's...OK. i am young, and many of my dreams are plausible. i'm living some right now. they're great. they keep me going. they are why i am alive.

i miss hal-con so much. i lived so much more i thought i ever could, because the details were real. in dreams, i lose them, and remember the feelings, but those things were real. i ran into a store, in cosplay, before we got to the hotel, and i bought some stuff i needed. i finished a prop on the way there, and it was so fun out...

hi. i was supposed to have a test todya, but my teacher was like "what...i told you to do a test on a monday?" and i was like "yes" and she was like "ok well...you can do it tomorrow. LOL." so. SCORE! I can actually study. HUGE for calnation. err

today i want to think about people. what makes people unique. what makes people umm...people we're attracted to. not like. i mean. i meaan, but it is like...its like... UGH UGH UGH ok LMFAO ok ok ok ok ok ok ok

UGH this isss...i don't know. this is something we will never fully understand, right? surely? i'm not talking about just the traits that draw us to people. that's um...that sort of stuff is studied, and it depends on the person, and their life. thats it. i think.

it's about what makes us choose people. if people are ever-changing, and people can be anything, why would we pick one person and stick with them?

hi. its been a few hours. i am where i was on friday of last week. sitting on the floor against the blank wall keeping the lockers sectioned. my locker is right to my left, which is why i feel like i have the right to sit here.

it is 2:29. there are kids walking to class still. there are some at tables. i like being down here a lot, below their eye level. i can occasionally look at a kid, and feel confident they will not see me, and will not, then, think of me at all. it's pretty nice. my music is loud, and good. i errr. i can't help myself from moving at all times. that's a good sign, since usually i sit still for far too long, anddd i forget i am..here..or whatever.

to my left is are two friends of mine, and one of their...uh...hookups. they're the farthest most tables.

my head hurts. this music isn't very good for it, but i like not being able to hear anything. friend #1 just looked at me as he walked across ah. ok. LOLOLOLOL. i think they're...testing the tables. though i'm pretty sure the one they're at is already good enough.

it feels silly trying to watch them like i do everyone else. they obviously know i do that, and have made eye contact with me multiple times. i can't hear them at all. friend #2 ix spoke to me but...we ball.

they've moved one table closer, so, they're pretty close to me. diagonal. i'm very scared that i come off as a predator or something. not in like a pedophile way but like, just being around these people. i want to ask for a receipt. i want a receipt. for my book. i'm using my undertone tickets right now, and i don't want to do that. but friend #2 is ghosting me, and i don't want to talk to them. i don't think they want to be talked to by me. i don't think any of them like me. it's not their fault i'm sitting here, and i don't deserve to just bother them. it probably seems like a game to them. my asking of...anything. it seems like some elaborate thing i'm sure. because everyone knows i do elaborate things. except it isn't, really, i just want something memorable to use as a bookmark. is that so bad?

err...yeah, kind of. sometimes you have to learn to leave people alone, i guess...which is unfortunate. a hard thing for me to do, sometimes. i just don't want to scare hookup. i don't want to be someone who just plays games with people to hookup. though i don't think i have any real control over that, especially considering the way friend #2 seems to be on my ass, as he always is.

even the fact i'm on the floor. they must understand why i'm sitting here; to look at people, and to be special. i must come off as an attention seeker. i just want a receipt. but last time i asked, it bothered friend #2, clearly, so... i can't ask anyone else.

they easily could've invited me to sit with them. i wonder if they didn't for my preference, or theirs? ugh. all i know is that if friend #2 wanted to talk to me, i'd be there. but he thinks i'm always making fun of him. which i'm not. he doesn't understand how much i like him, and always will. OH MY GOODNESS. i guess maybe i do just play with them. but i love them. i guess maybe respect is what they're looking for...but i do respect them. i try to be respectful. i don't think he wants to talk to me. i think... he's acting how i'd act if someone toyed with me the way he feels i do with him. i miss hollis and walt and i don't want to be sitting here caring about this stuff. i miss kim and harry. i misssss. having friends. who wanted me there. it was pretty nice. i wish i didn't need to talk to strangers, a bit...but i also hate this. being known.

tonight i have to study for my math quiz, and keep in mind that i'm skipping fourth...anddd....maybe i could go home even earlier? i could go home at lunch. that'd be fantastic. i could go home at 12:30. that's like...a whole 3 hours. i could read. i could get my chores done.

WHATEVER. i have to study fora math quiz, and read...andd...talk to my girlfriend? rentry maybe...i didn't end up getting to think about people at all. i'll have to try to do that later too.

i am trying to set everything aside right now. just for a second. all of the variables. because i want to talk for my future self, so i remember.

i don't understand it. how people are not always thinking about how they're going to die, thinking about how to be nice to each other, thinking about their actions as objectively as they can muster. i'd guess the longest i can go without thinking this way is a few hours, really really engaged in what i'm doing, but even THEN, man, everything is about life, everything is about love, everything is about everything. how do you not feel that way!!! how do you not see that everything is about everything!!! oh myy!! goodness!!! no wonder you are not overwhelmed. cuz ure just...ure just!!! WHAT'RE you even doing! what is it like? to think about the thing you're doing, think about the thing you're going to do, think about your friends, think about your show

what do you even think about your show, not REALLY thinking about it? what do you think? about the fans on twitter? about what characters you want to have sex? about the actors? sure, sure, but what about everything else??? where does that go? you need someone to PROMPT you to think about that? what? what? what? what is all that extra space in your BRAIN? being used for? i don't understand. is it for actors names? is it for your childhood memories? is it for your partner's favourite flowers?

i guess, probably, yes. and maybe that's why i don't know any of that stuff. oh my goddd. it's so annoying i am so annoyed

why do i need to explain to you the stuff that i THOUGHT was obvious!!! yes, the movie project hail mary isn't actually very great. in fact, its lack of politics makes it sort of bland. that's why people like it for the few things it represents. friendship, love of earth, love of life...OBVIOUSLY!!! AS A STORY! it could be much better! i don't want to think about stupid shit like how it's lacking stuff. i know that. you should know that. we all know that. why are we repeating ourselves? why are? what? why not just take the good away from it, and touch ont hese when they come up, naturally.

well, because some people miss some things. i miss a lot of things. and the only way to learn these things is to get together in big groups, and very very slowly talk about it. talk about all the issues. and for every 20 repeated nonsense points, you'll see one that'll change you, and the one that changes you is differnet for everybody. this is just how learning works.

BUT I DON'T!!!! want to care about that. sometimes, i would like to enjoy things without caring about that. why am i the one that has to do this? that has to reason this behaviour? why can i not just be somebody who gets mad at it? i justtt... don't understand, why i cannot share my opinion without preface, and an afterword. well because its just my duty man. it is what i have to do. it would be...i just think it IS my responsibility. if my prefacing could help someone understand other's points more, help bring them towards their realization that people are people, and we have to listen, and everything is love, then i have to do it. i have to try to be kind. i just don't want to. it is very hard walking this line. even if i don't do a good job, man, i still have to!

and even this, even what i do is not enough. it is not anything. i am so uneducated. if i could just read books, surely i'd stumble upon stories written by people who live like this, like me, and i could see what they did about it, and i could be even a bit more confident in my way of life.

but my way of life, in this case, is just bullshit. it is just trying my hardest, trying my best, and thinking of others (as little as i can). that's so stupid. i am always unstable. but i just don't matter enough to fix that, unfortunately. i have to think this way and i probably always will. i will never think to tell someone of what i am proud of. i will neverrrr want to be known. how could i dude! there are so many people...alive, and dead, that tried their hardest to be heard, and werent. and i try my hardest to see them in everything everrr.

but that is so dramatic, no? and surely i'm not literally thinking about this all the time. which would be correct. i try not to. i try really hard to think about these things generally. as generally as possible. i think vaguely of education, and books, and people before me, and i try to distract myself with the earth. with bigger pictures! but the truth is there are sooo many small pictures anddd. and it takes effort to know them.

i don't know. of course in a way, things like how specific books have flaws is important. it's important because i guess people sort things into bins of important and non important. value and no value. or maybe its... a bunch of bins. but everything can be important. everything can speak to you. anything can speak to you! if you let it!

and i can't helppp myself. i want everything to speak to me. every painting is the world to me, if i think about it for more than 3 minutes. and if it isn't, in those 3 minutes, i am simply uneducated.

a video game changes my life. it reminds me of things i forgot. the littlest things. things like bugs, and kids, and art, in views i have to remember are real, even though i've never lived them. and there are billions and billions of these perspectives. i want to know them all. i need to. they were real, they are real, they can change you too.

when i am left alone, i am so so lost...it takes longer and longer to remember these perspectives--images--fleeting thoughts--that keep me real, and active. so i need to keep reading. reading is the easiest way, logically, to me, to learn about this stuff. i can find what i am looking for. i can use libraries, and literally search! for my shit.

but that's sooo...sterile, and i'm lost. i need people. i need to talk to people, and to hear them. all these dead people, people i'll never talk to, i mean...there are so many people here, alive, NOW. some of them even like me, and they'll tell me about themselves, about how they think. i'm so honoured.

by the way, that is the word i would use to describe myself, if need be. honoured. forever. maybe if you asked me, i'd fumble, forgetting the word, but at heart, it will always be honoured. i am so honoured. to be alive and to hear you all. and to remember what i do.

of course i am; everything is so beautiful, and unfortunately, everything and everyone speaks to me. i don't have room for you all. i don't have space for you all. i have to write an essay analysis. how can i do my school work when there are so many people to talk to, and think about, and doing my school work, having school work, thinking about school work, my feelings about school work, are all their own things that're so fucking cool, and prompts in of themselves? i want to sit and think forever, is what i tell myself. but thats wrong. i need to be here, with people around me, forever. i need to take advantage of my life. there is no other choice for me.

i will not be in a book. i will not be remembered. everything i know will be gone. so will all these people...for the most part. i guess a few of them will live on, for a while. and as much as i'd like to spend this time appreciating the earth, i need to try to find a balance. the earth and the people.

i am not even depressed right now. this is always in my brain. how is it not in yours. what are you doing. how can i ever make anybody understand that this is in my brain? well i guessss. i probably can't. i just can't. and in the end, that's good, because i'm the one thinking of them, not vice versa...but when i am weak, and when i want to be cared for, this all becomes so difficult. uughh jesus christ

this isn't even that bad. it's basically summer. it's basically summer because my window is open and i am listening to my summer songs.

earth is great, people are great. i will have to do work. not now, but, later, i will have to do new things, and it will suck. it will suck almost the exact same way it has always sucked to do new things. think of when you walked into your english class with mr fucking macdonald bro. horrendous! you sat down and went wow this is AWFUL lmfao. and it was. it was awful. it was awful the entire year. well, that's how it's going to be. doing adult things will be the same way! and slowly you will get better at it, get better at being someone somewhere, and get better at accepting shit.

my room is tidy. it's quite clean, actually. i'm still a bit sick, but my room is tidy. my window is open and my clothes are clean. i ate breakfast. i am behind in schoolwork, but not much, and i think i can catch up. i am scared my friends don't like me, but they probably do.

in the summer, i will visit ontario. i will visit my grandmother for a while. it'll be very...difficult. but i will do what she would like, and will come up with stuff for us to do, because i love her, and i want to spend time with her. maybe. maybe i'll see my dad.

i will apply for jobs, and eventually get one. and it will be awful and new. but hopefully it will be full of routine, and it will be OK. it will be like school but better, and i will get paid for it. i am registered for my uni courses, and i am doing everything i can. sometimes, i will miss opportunities. and sometimes i will fail, and be setback. but i am young. i will be young forever! there is always time and space to try again.

i'm not sure what to do here. i have officially planned to go to the movie theatre later. to see phm, on my own. from 3:30 to 6:10. i'm not sure if i should invite somebody? i tried inviting a friend, but she kind of...ignored it, so i guess she didn't want to go.

i have a spare 3 dollars. this will cost me all of my money--going to the theatre to see this movie. but we ball! i have a spare 3 dollars. i could save it to get snacks for the movie--mind you, the movie is like, 3 hours, right, so i probably do want a snack--or i could get something at tim hortons, which is where i am now.

i thinkkk...i'll just get something now and hope my mom feels a bit bad for me later. like 5 bucks is all i need. i could get some mike n ikes. anyway, with my 3 dollars...

THE SONG THAT JUST CAME ON OPENED WITH A SBAHJ QUOTE? LMFAO? in my dream i am the star. its me.

anyway!!!! fuck! what am i going to get. a cookie probably. i thinkkkk i could also get a muffin...? god. idk. i'm freeballing. if i can't afford the movie ticket then plans change is all. but i'd...i'd like to, obviously. i've never been to the movies alone. maybe dressing like dirk wasn't the best choice but...we ball, i guess. i look like shit. but i...think i prefer it that way. i don't want to look nice just to be alone. "look nice" lol i mean i don't want to Feel like i look nice just to be alone..

i got a blueberry muffin. it was pretty good.

i just got van a drink and grayson a muffin. i'm hoping van is free cuz... i'd prefer use the free ticket thing than...pay.....with cash. but also, do i actually want to go with van? because? he makes me kinda very irritable? so....i could just go alone, and then see if i can use the voucher for just one....person. which would kinda be a waste...but i mean who really cares, right, like...what is the big problem. its one seat.

I don't understanddd. I could never ever be somebody who...needs to be remembered forever. I think of...well, I know a lot of people who feel that way. Who desire to be needed so badly they...in the worst case, pray that they will be thought of, and be special. Even if everything goes to shit, they'll be a special experience.

Many times I've been in that position, and many times I've put others in that position. Thats just how people work. Sometimes a few months with somebody changes who you are, leaving you to think about it forever—and some people have better stuff to be doing.

It's not rude, I don't think. It's not anyone's fault that they, you know, don't remember somebody very well, or think on the past very much. How could you blame somebody for that! But I've also never truly understood it, fully moving on. 'spose I'll have to some time soon.

i don't usually write about stuff like this here, but i have nothing else to do.

right now, my internet boyfriend is asleep on the phone. he called me just to sleep. i wanted to talk, before he fell asleep, as to perhaps help him fall asleep, but my throat is killing me. umm. usually i can't hear him like this, but, i can hear him breathing. in a very regular way. i think he's, what, a bit sick too, right now? so, perhaps that is why i can hear him, now. my phone sits on my stomach, above where my laptop, in my lap, is. gosh. its just my favourite ever. sleep. sleeping.

sometimes, when i'm doing very good, (um, hypomanic, most of the time), i spend so much time talking to people that i sleep a regular amount. and while i am doing good, i always end up missing it. sleeping for days at a time.

earlier today, or yesterday, or some time recently, i saw a tweet that said something like: "i feel such an odd way watching my loved ones sleep. why are you going somewhere i can't follow?" and that's just! wow!!! that's so true. although, it doesn't make me sad, or anything, really. um.

i just think it's great. that our dreams are our own. and they're so fucking...cool, and special. and i just can't think of anything more intimate than sleeping at the same time, sleeping in the same bed with somebody! when my nightmare is over, and i open my eyes, there you are! i can't imagine what it's like to not have dreams. i have relied on them for as long as i can remember. even though mine are usually horrible, i mean, they're still somewhere else to go. something to remember. i just like that a lot. every night we'll go somewhere on our own, and in the morning, we can talk about what we were up to.

and of course, i mean, fuck! they're what we want! what we fear! what we just barely let slip our minds! our brains are just so cool. how did you catch that? how are you seeing things that i'm not? and then you're kind enough to show it to me! i'm just sooo honoured. to be allowed this time. to let my head show me things or whatever.

maybe its just the edater in me. i've just always found that sleeping on the phone is great. i don't like waking up alone.

Today was 17776 day, Immortality Day, the day of The Moment!

I wish anyone I know had read it a lot. Its a really special series to me andd! I don't know. Today was just sort of miserable.

I only really started saying "miserable" after Innon called me it. Or this is how I remember it. Maybe I got Him to start saying it. Whatever

Today I did nothing. I thought of no one in particular. I felt almost nothing, although, I did pay attention to my music, which I liked. It should've been such a good day. My friends, who at lunch were sitting at desks, while I sat against the wall on the floor (there was no room), casually mentioned the fact its Immorality Day. None of them even looked towards me, while talking about it. As if they just learned about it from Twitter or TikTok or whatever, and I hadn't been asking gbem to read it for the past 3 months.

okay. first of all, fuck this, this is so ridiculous. it forever will be. there are so many words, and semantics is so.. the semantics are vast. very vast. and i just talk SO much and it all means nothing. these words can all mean so much. how am i still going? like, how do i still have so much to say? surely i'll be done, some day. or at least get a bit more fucking efficient with it, gooood lordrd!!!

uughf.. ok. here are my topics, so i do not forget. hopefully i will not get tired of writing. 1. being consistent 2. social/anti

okay. i don't know what to do. i am... gosh, fuck thisssffsss. letme get the quote.

To know someone, to get to like someone, to get to dislike someone, to enjoy being with someone, to hate being with someone, to hold hands with someone, to hug someone, to pass someone by. That’s what it means to live. When you’re all on your own, you don’t know who you are. The people I like and dislike are who I am. The people I enjoy being with and the people I hate being with are who I am. Those connections are mine. They define my life as uniquely mine. I know I have feelings because of everyone around me. I know I have a body because other people can touch me. Those connections give me shape. I am alive here. I am alive now. That’s what it means for someone to live—just as you and I have chosen to be alive here and now.

i am the people i am around. i am the people i like. i am the people who know me. i am, thanks to them. i just feel so bad leaving them. i rarely take issue with not being somebody For Others, because it is a pleasure to talk to people, to hear from people. it didn't even occur to me until, what, 3 years ago now? (jesus,) that maybe i should like to be somebody. that maybe it's not great that people view me as distant to them. but, like, distant...that's the easiest person to talk to, right? but! the idea got in my head.

and now i care about being somebody! which is annoying and fuuuckkinggg sucks. these troubles aside, i have simply never been able to pass up a chance to hear people. being someone who is told things (even if i won't remember those things, which the chances aren't really in my favour regarding...) is just a great person to be. it feels nice. and it is so, so hard to! tooo. not listen! to not know things, and not hear about people. but it happens. because cool interesting people typically like other cool interesting people. and as kind as they tend to be, they're not here to entertain me. which SUCKS! cuz why NOT!

this is why, for so long, i took pride in being someone people came to, naturally. cuz its freakin embarrassing wanting to know somebody. so i suppose, looking at it now, it does make sense i liked being in a place where i did no work, to be told people's stories, to be told things that haven't been told before. and it must be why i love asking questions.

of course, my questions tend to relate back to me. how else would i...come up with them, right? but the truth is sometimes i really do come up with bullshit just to hear people talk. i like doing that, coming up with things for specific people, making it special. even MORE special. being told things is always special. genuinely being trusted with anything is always so so special. that is the fun in it.

i love people. i love them so much. i acknowledge, right now, for the first time in writing (that i can recall, anyway), that this "love" is perhaps not good enough. that thanks to my dismissive nature, i am doing bad to people, the ones i love. i, however, am not going to think too hard about that. it will not go away, i don't think, so i'm better off just trying to be better in specific ways. there is no real alternative for me, anyway -- either way, i actually have been trying to be around people less. not just for my own selfish purposes, depression ands tuff, but as to not 'use' them just cuz i like them.

from my point of view, it just must be bad to think of "people" this way. it is supposed to be more individual, i suppose. which it is, for me. i love everyone i know individually, as much work as it is for me to even remember who everybody is. unfortunately i am too busy brooding and remembering the way they affect my worldview, and who they are overall, to remember their names.

this is all to say, it is hard for me to ignore people. to not jump at a chance to be there where somebody isnt. even if they never know. i'd like to think, that, if they ever think (for even a second) -- "maybe someone is listening. maybe someone is watching. maybe someone cared, just a bit", they'd be right. and i'd have it covered. and maybe, then, the chances of them believing this would be higher?

i need to stop talking to so many people, is the issue. is my issue.

from an outsiders point of view,,, i wonder. i don't actually talk to many people in a day. but i could. and they tend to be online. and i care, and wait, just in case. what i need to do is get off the internet. for sets amount of time, i need to be unavailable. i need to actually take time to myself, which is something i have quite literally never done.

never ever ever have i thought to stop talking to people to properly enjoy myself, or even really rest. a few times, i didn't speak to people, to read, last year. but that was about it.

but i need to. i just have to. for so many reasons. mostly...because i want to be educated. wait, that actually covers both fields. okay, i have one reason, basically. i want to educate myself.

i want to pass school, and i want to start reading books. i know nothing about ANYTHING. i am educated only in social convention, and baiting people. which is great! which is so great, i love being ok at that. but, lord, i know nothing. i am kind of stupid. and i like learning. i especially like sharing my learning. so i need to get the fuck offff the internet.

and by internet! i really mean discord. its just discord. i just need to get off discord.

but GOD!! i can't do it. i just can't do it! there is so much on there. and i will lose so many people. my one THING is that i am there. i am there to listen. because i love it so much and shit, i just always am. so if i'm not THERE. if i'm not there, and i'm a nobody, well! fuck! the hell am i supposed to do with that! or, what is everybody ELSE going to do with that?

so, then, which is more important? my education, or my people?

these people are not actually very close to me. nonetheless, i will miss them more than anything in the whole Actual world. and what i could learn, if i just STARTED, i mean...there's everything. books have everything. there is everything to learn. everything that will change me, and...it won't take fucking up interpersonal relationships to learn some of these lessons. thats how i feel, sort of -- i reinvented bipolar because i didn't bother just learning about my documented behaviours.

we are all the same, right? everything i feel, someone has felt it before. i would understand what to do so much better, if i just read. i may actually be somebody.

i would like to know so so so so much i think. and i need to start splitting this stuff Up, because there is no way to have both. i think, though, that my education will forever define me (as it has so far). my education in the sense of how i speak about what i know, and what i think, with others. i do wonder if i will ever get over fully identifying myself. nonetheless, i am sure that when i start spending time alone, i willlll...have an easier time staying away from people. and i am sure people will still like me. i will. probably mourn the lost moments though. you just get to see and hear SO much -- when you're right there.

okay. it has been maybe 20 minutes. i think i am confident. mostly. somewhat confident, i guess, in my ways -- my original ways, i mean. my want to hear people. i just think of people who only ever read. i mean, they can say so much, but they don't understand the simple stuff, the clear flaw in their words, the way they hurt, or disregard, or idealize. that stuff is only easy to see when you talk to people. even i have a hard time with it, but, i'd like to think i'm not too bad at the big picture...so it's not particularly bad to listen to people. even if i went my entire life uneducated. i'd still have met so many people, seen so many. and that's just! what it's all about.

not to say my interest in what everyone before me thought isn't there. it is what drives me. just Under meeting every body of course.

right now, as i write, i'm watching the artemis ii launch. it launches in one minute. T-0:00:43. apparently, in six days, it'll go pat the moon, and it'll be the furthest humans have ever been from the earth. there are four people on the rocket. the wikipedia is being updated live. it just went off! 7:35pm!

woah.

Artemis II is an ongoing lunar flyby mission under the Artemis program, that launched on April 1, 2026, from the Kennedy Space Center. The ten-day mission will carry NASA astronauts Reid Wiseman, Victor Glover, and Christina Koch, along with Canadian Space Agency astronaut Jeremy Hansen, on a free-return trajectory around the Moon and back to Earth. It will be the second flight of the Space Launch System (SLS), the first crewed mission of the Orion spacecraft, and the first crewed mission beyond low Earth orbit since Apollo 17 in 1972.

as the wiki puts it.

2 minutes 45 seconds since it launched. it looks good so far. this is cool. so cool.

i hope it goes well. i suppose i'll try to keep up with it!

today i woke up at 7 and it wasss a snow day. i had strawberries for breakfast. i doodled myself as a hare thing, which was fun. my Internet Boyfriend wasss...hospitalized ((???)), an hour ago. which fucking sucks. i do hope he's alright. i'm sure he will be, but jeez. gosh. just shit. just kinda Shit!!!

i fell in love again

i feel a bit silly. i just feel Silly.

all things go, all things go

the man who was sitting in front of me at Second Cup just got up and moved. he had a lot of stuff out. a fancy looking leather binder, with a fancy, bland pen. an open messenger bag, and a laptop. he just moved to a spot almost identical. i have no idea why. maybe it was my fault. i'm not sure why it would be, but i mean, he just, noticed when i got here, and then left less than five minutes later. i'd like to think he has his habits, and thats it. as any person does. maybe he just doesn't like when people sit in front of him! respect. putting the little efforts in to...do things about your small preferences, i love that a lot. inspires me a lot. wait. i just looked over. it looks sort of like he's on a call. or speaking? he was speaking using his hands, though, and his laptop is open. whatever whatever. um. i just like it a lot. when people are people. and i like when people have the chance to notice these things, and i like when there's nothing to do with that. no one to tell, no acknowledgement, no particular purpose. when people do things for themselves, i like noticing. for me. sometimes, years later, i remember. for a while, i didn't enjoy being on the internet cuz of this. i didn't like seeing interesting people and being able to find them. i always would...i couldn't help it. i'd try talking to them. i love anonymity. it breaks my heart, it really does. it hurts so much. but i think things are just better that way. i think something should have to be very special, and have taken a lot of time and effort, to be a real thing.

drove to chicago

that rant was...unrelated to anything i'm actually thinking about. just a distraction. a bit of hope! a bittt of hope. i feel much better already. i bought a muffin. it was 4 dollars and 60 something cents. it's not very good. it is very very oily. i also bought some redbull, for some reason. there's... another guy. he's sitting next to where the first guy is. so in front of/diagonal to me. i think he's studying. in front of him is a lot of papers, binded together, with colourful tabs coming out of the sides. there's some mail, and a book. his keys, phone, napkin, and redbull zero (or sugar free?) are sort of a mess to his right. he's wearing a watch with a chain looking band, and a dark blue (not navy, i wouldn't say,) polo (?). he looks maybe...um...i've always been bad with ages. maybe 35? he's mostly bald, with some facial hair. a bigger sort of guy. he's got a messenger bag too. his looks more useful, though. less to carry a laptop, more to carry books. he's wearing a ring. not a wedding ring. it's a silver band. i only saw him doing something once; he was reading, and twisting an elastic between his fingers. he's sitting like...how i might sit, if i were more comfortable: legs tucked under the chair, and very out there. OH SHIT! outside, outside a girl just walked by! i saw her earlier. she walks with so much purpose. she's wearing a magenta shawl of sorts. her hair is in a bun, and she's just as tall as me. she's listening to music. me and her waited at opposite ends of the road, for the light. OH the guy! he has a manilla folder to put his stacks of paper in. i'm...snooping. looks like bills. archives? is he doing archival work? studying for a case? law? ... so, evidence? that'd be great. photocopies. all marked. bank statements. i doubt he's doing his taxes or something, though. he's just reading it, and marking it up. and why would he need a redbull for that? i get the impression its just a lot to tackle. he's not writing a lot on them. he's flipping back and forth, leaving little marks, with a blue pen. he goes to make a single mark, but seems to forget something. he puts his pen in his mouth, the end, and reaches with his left, over himself, into his bag, to grab something. i didn't catch it. he keeps flipping back and forth, with one hand. it looks like he's maybe mouthing the words he's reading, or counting. he...looks back between two pages, like they're conflicting, and annoying as fuck.

i really wanna see what this guy does. if he "finishes" anything, or if he'll just leave. maybe he'll comically check his watch before heading out. i'm afraid its 2:08, and i asked to be picked up at 2:30. maybe that'll be enough. although, he did arrive after me, so...i'm not sure odds are on my side. he just wrote a few letters, or numbers, then circled it. the other guy is still there, up and moved. it looks like this guy, my law guy, is wearing a dog tag. his polo is undone, by the way.

there's some french people sitting to my right, also. 'french people' reads almost derogatory, there, sorrryyy. they're speaking fluent french. canadian...french. i assume.

all things know, all things know

i'm warm. my arms are, cuz they're in the sun. i miss being at my grandmothers house. i'd like to lay in a field. i'd like to lay on a walk way, like, concrete, or wooden slats, or whatever. i'd like to not think about the time, for a short while. even just thinking about "days" would do me good—that's what i've been sorta trying to do. trying to think about everything in the sort of "days". just today and tomorrow; whats next. my friend is going to get here soon. i'll probably have to talk to him. i sent him a message, that he read before he left to meet me, that said something about how i probably won't talk. that's almost worse. i just need to stop talking, in a natural way. he's very attuned to time. not like, as in, he's super great at telling it (maybe he is, i don't know, nothing comes to mind..) but he's always checking. always doing a thing i used to do, going "its (time)." unprompted, as a warning, to be considerate. to keep everyone up to date. i feel a bit rude. i don't remember what i usually say to him in that moment, but i figure i go "yup". that's what he does when i say the time. ah he's here. he got a drink.

we sold our clothes to the state

okay, wait, i might've been wrong. he's got a calculator. taxes might be being done. i'm just not sure if it's his personal taxes or not. do you typically need a redbull to do your own taxes? why would you go OUT to do your own taxes?

i don't mind, i don't mind

i made a lot of mistakes

in my mind, in my mind

high and dry, out of the rain

on Friday, a girl in my class saw me (at her table, across from her) hold my face in my hands for a minute. that's what she said to me. i can never remember her name. natasha? nat... something. i said something like, "oh, lol, i'm not going to. just tired." and she didn't acknowledge my response.

she was entirely well intentioned i'm sure. but jesus fuck. i'm trying to keep it together. i'm trying to walk the fine fine fine line between manic talking to no one and manic telling everyone how i really feel.

it's so fucking hard. earlier i slipped up. said something i usually would've known to keep to myself. it pisses me off knowing that...these people, who probably care about me, see me upset, and in response they get my thinly veiled self hatred and Entirely Un Veiled comments.

i never knew exactly how to put that into words, because i couldn't look at it from an outsiders point of view. i only knew all the stuff i felt.

but then! the pitt! wow! i understand. i become hostile and just depressing to be around. you can't be depressed And mean. yet here i am!

the cognitive dissonance just never goes away. i don't know what i want. but i do. i just, i want two very different things, at the same time, for different reasons, and i understand why, anddd. and there's nothing i can do about it. it's up to other people what happens to me. i need to be stopped and told off. and even then, i'll probably argue. but it'll stop some time.

it's so easy to hurt others when you can't feel pain

ittts just. people trying to listen to me. people who want to hear what i have to say. they don't seem to understand that's just not...a good thing. it's just not like...i...

everything i say is what i believe. sometimes, while saying stuff, i know about other parts of me that disagree, or i know i shouldn't be saying it, but i only say shit i genuinely believe, EVEN if i know that some other part of me DOESN'T believe it. and some time, i'll be that other me. what is that other me supposed to do? i wasn't lying. i wasn't wrong. i just disagree now. so what exactly gives anything i say meaning? how is anyone but me supposed to be able to see what is fundamental, what is "me", when there's an evil me (can be one or the other; whichever one i'm not) who goes "yeah, true, but also, not true."? what do i do?

well, i stop talking. i stop letting people hear me. there's really just not much else to do. i have to watch myself. which can be so hard, sometimes, man. i have to hide what i believe, i believe SO TRUE, because i've been TOLD (by my memories) that it isn't true. how much i really believe that depends on my mood.

the worst is when i believe both. when i understand, fully, that i am wrong, but that doesn't get rid of all truth to my arguments. when i think my friends hate me, i know it's irrational. but i'm not a very irrational person. i don't just think everyone has something out for me. i think they just don't find some of my jokes funny, they don't see me as a "real" friend—i think realistic options, grounded in reality. it brings me out of an utter misery, into a peaceful depression. these last longer than usual. they lay under everything. they have me truly believing two contradictory things at once.

and don't you know that love can't grow?

like now, for example! it's so bad. its...not bad like bad, bad like, wow. i just don't even...there aren't words to make anyone reading this understand. i mean, unless you do understand. if you relate, then you do. but if not, i'm not sure you could. i just. i just laugh!!! i can't help it. i just smile so much. i can't do anything else. there's nothing else for me to do. i can't speak. the me that wants to do better, for us, will not get anything out. and if it does, it will be covered!!! so soon. as soon as i can ask for help i will be taking it all back. i will be mean, then, so they know to back up, to not see me as someone hurt, someone who needs Jesus Christ man Robby You are So Me

cause it's too much to give, cause you'd rather live for the thrill of it all

Death forever

What am I even. I don't know. It makes me Sad and A Bit Mad and jusf UPSET!!!! I'M upset.

I hate talking about how I don't sleep. No one but my internet boyfriend seems to actually understand. I am not depressed because of my lack of sleep. I am not sleeping because of my depression. I don't relish in not sleeping. I hate it. I love sleep more than ANYTHING. Sleep is my FAVOURITE THING. EVER. Dreams are my EVERYTHING. JESUS!!!

BUT at the same time, I understand them!!! It's hard to see someone be nonchalant about a destructive habit and not take advice, or even admit the problem. It can hurt. It can be really....frustrating. To be around. So I'll stop talking about it! I guess! Which I ALREADY DO BYBTHE WAY!!!!

I ALREADY try not to mention my sleeping patterns. I try not to mention ANYTHING personal, these days. Because!!! I don't like being a sad person to be around! But fuck it is SO HARD and I know they think they're looking out for me, but jesus, guys. It makes me want to Stop Talkiingg!!!

And The fucking Pitt. God. People keep saying Robby should kill himself, genuinely, and it's! Well it makes me sad!!! Of course it does, man!!!!! I understand him to a degree and see myself in him and I know it's meaningless cuz its fiction or whatever but Fuck, it doesn't make me wanna seek help! Or talk to my friends!! Or even show Signs!!!!!

Right now, it's 1:38PM and I'm sitting in theeee...trunk of Maggie's Car. Eileen. It's pretty comfortable. I'm on episode uhh...7 or something, 01:00PM, of The Pitt. Abott is being hot and kind and stuff right now.

Light is shit talking with Erica. I think...Lainey is talking with them, although she's trying to study in shotgun. Erica is to my right. Maggie is playing Cult of the Lamb.

It's pretty nice. Just now I went "hey...my pittlings." and then talked about Robby and stuff. I checked, it is episode 7.

Lately, as in, old people 'lately', I've been fixing stuff. Habits. I'm very proud of them, though I try not to speak of them often.

They were mostly subconscious, so I've been enjoying realizing where I've improved. One of those areas is regarding my social uhh...behaviour?

One that I noticed with the pitt! Is physic FUXKKK i cajg think. I dont know any of rhe proper words I'm looking cor.

But soothing. Soothing actions. When people draw Whitaker and Robby they tend to show them scratching their neck snd stuff. I have my own. I try not to touch my face area but who knows! I've been into keeping careful watch of where my arms at. Bluehhhdgggghhh Robby Robinavitch you are Me

what do i sayat this point!!! i just don't know. it is day by day again. it is so hard! i can only think of a few things at once, max. whats up wtih that. i can't remember anything, so...so what do i even "know" at any given moment? whatever my brain lets me i guess?

seeing suicidal characters is so hard! so hard. not that it matters. none of this matters because i am not bad at all. and i will not kill myself. i will Not. Kill myself.

but oh my god. i'm so jealous. i've Been Happy. like recently! recently, numerous times, i've been so happy. happy in a way that measn something because i don't hate myself during htose moments. "hate myself" is a term i'm using for your (reader) understanding, but its more than that, obviously. i just don't love myself. and loving yourself is...something you have to do, to reallly, really be happy. you have to feel loved. by yourself at least, and maybe others. and i've been loved by others, recently. its felt great. for a long, long time, i made sure no one loved me--not in any way i internalized. i guess probably just to make sure i wsa never happy. but recently i've given in, and it's been great. to feel loved. it really has. to be loved and therefore happy.

but it doesn't compare. it doesn't compare to how much i can give if i just stop caring! about everytyhing!! because it's so much. i can be who people need. i can be who i need to for those i love. and its so hard! its so hard. i just want to cry. its so hard to see fucking Fictional Characters living my DREAM!!! my dream!!!!!!!!!!. that i will NEVER get to live!!!!!!!!!!!! i will live out my entire life without ever being as happy as i know i could. i will never understand.

i don't wanna be bad again. i don't want to do this all again. i want to trust people. its just so difficult for NO REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its so easy to give myself up for people. its just so easy. and i can keep them all!! from myself! and i'm sure thats wrong. i'm so sure thats wrong. of course it is. it's inconsiderate of their true wishes. their true wishes are for me to do better and to be happy. i'm sure. and the more you do what i'm talking about wanting to do, the more these people who truly want the best for me Give Up. no one expects people to put up with everyone forever. and knowing this doesn't even change anything! because some people will stay for much longer than i or anyone else deserves. its just the truth. and i and anyone else will continue this behaviour for so much longer than we should. i guess i'm just going to keep trying. and keep praying that something will change and someone will notice. noticeee andddd. have enough in them to care!

but i have to wonder whats wrong with me. isnt someone like, waiting to be noticed...don't they usually cave at the first sign of attention? how come every time someone likes me i want to like...maul them? jesus everyone needs to die. i just. everyone. everyone needs to die.

I get it. I really do. Hearing about um...the distance. That's how my depressive episodes go. I've even written about it here—the um...to revel in the distance between people. And to hate people who interfere. It's an odd way to be, I guess, but it just gets to a point. I mean, take right now. Right now, I'm nearing (I hope) the end of a depressive episode. For maybe two weeks now, I've not been truly talking to anybody. Well maybe one or two people, technically, but it's been the exact same it was before. So horrible. So so horrible.

The worst of it being the newfound focus, and time I find myself with. So much time. To just be alone. And it feels awful, and great. So great. Knowing that I have so little care for myself, I can now care for others. Like Martin's reflex to worry about people, sorta. Because as much as I can now care for others, worry for them, what does that really mean, now that they're so, so far away from me?

But then again, that's just depression. I don't believe any of that. I am full of love, and I will forever talk to the people in my life, I guess. I just have to sit around and wait for someone to pull me out of it, unknowingly. Which, I mean...waiting is...sort of depressing. Doesn't really help.

Well Anyway. I said, when talking about myself and Jon, once,

Is it still Bipolar II if it's induced by an entity from another realm?

And it stands true. What a world.

stand on the platform, see the light through the wind

i actually don't have anything i want to say i don't think. this is sort of a big deal. i mean, there is lots i could say, and lots i'm thinkin about, but i think i'll be okay even if i forget them, or whatever. although it is just the usual. the very usual.

one second you're moving along, the next you feel like shit

there is too much to keep track of. i wonder if i'll ever find a solution. i'm trying to. to think about it rationally, maybe cut down on what i keep? maybe money really is all i need, and maybe to understand technology better? maybe i can keep it all digital. but then again, will digital ever be reliable? but, then what? analog? in what way? analog takes up a lot of space. space is the thing i worry the most about, you know. so...so what? and storage aside, the actual tracking, documenting, whatever...it's time consuming, and i'm very inefficient.

never a free ride, never a yang without a yin

what can i say, i'm a sucker for change. not the best proclivity when you're also interested in mediums that require the least amount of change as possible.

but that's a thing i've been thinking about for about a year now—just how much leeway there is. i don't know when i first noticed it, it must've been something small. maybe in a manual? something formal. maybe it was something in history. some sort of recovered journal or something. whatever it was, it for the first time occurred to me just how non conforming older methods of record keeping were. nothing was well kept! there were so many notations and methods, and really, what matters, is that you can just interpret it. i mean, does it really matter what order the date is in, as long as it's clearly the same date either way?

probably not, i thought. so i decided to slowly stop caring so much. and it's worked, it's given me much leeway, and made me a um...a lot less stressed about that. i wonder if anyone reading this could understand just how stressed i have been, like, my entire life, just...just in the back of my mind. about something so little. every time a format changed i was just miserable. it felt like um...i was just doomed, i guess.

but it doesn't matter so much. so now here i am, mostly over that, trying to focus on what matters. interpretation, access, and time. making it easy to understand, for myself now, quick reference, and the future, as well as easy to find, physically and otherwise. time is the most important. finding the time to record, and considering the time in the future that i, or anyone else, will have to actually care. so, time is directly related to what's moresooo...'importance'. relevance, sorta. keeping only the special stuff.

but that's so freakin hard. so hard. to know what to keep...with so many formats.

without a friend
without a hope
without a phone

and then! and then, all this aside, i just...when i do feel like writing, i need to talk about sameness!!! how we are all the same. it's all i think about these days. oh the End how i understand you...but it. it's alright. i'll figure it out. how to keep track. and record it all—in a way that is helpful and nice for future me. in a CONSISTENT way.

without all alone, so far away from home

Not Inconsiderate? Not Inconsiderate? Do you Find yourself considering people? Do you ever think about others? Do you spend Any Time At All thinking about the people around you as more than above or below you, in relation to You? Have you ever thought about someone elses day? Like, actually thought about it? What the fuck are you doing?

Have you ever thought before speaking? Thought about more than how it'll impact you? Thought about your proposals before proposing? What is it, then? Do you need to be hurt? Do you need to be scolded after, to be told exactly what it is you did wrong after the fact? What are you Doing??? What do you not understand?

We are the SAME. You need to understand this. Our emotions are easily swayed. I have spent so long keeping that to myself. I wonder if you ever learned how!!! Or have ever even thought about it enough to CONSIDER learning how to keep shit to yourself. Why am I getting punished for hiding my emotions??? Jesus fucking christ I Want to be around you So Bad why do you keep reminding me how little you actually think?

Because what did you just fuck me over for? What exactly? So you didn't have to sit by yourself for a total of LITERALLY 3 minutes? FUCK YOU!!!

I'm sorry that it costs so much to care about you. I am so so so sorry, because I understand, and it's probably why no one really cares about me either!!! You don't know how long it took to get where I am. So many hours of thinking. And I can't imagine being the way I am, or a way like it, and not spending that time actually coming to any conclusions. So I'm sorry. But not really. Because I'll never get fed up enough with it. With you, I mean. And I will never stop fucking myself over for you because I love you. And I know what it's like to be this way. I'm sorry

I've been waiting for this moment
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life

I talk lots, almost endlessly it seems, about my past, and my memories, and my dreams. Those, and how often I forget them. How scared I am. But I, in the past, did not understand true fear. I understand it now. The issue, or, what happened, is that I really did forget. I forgot so much andd. And I just...can't believe it. That I spent so much time trying not to let that happen and it just. soo.. So much. So much. So much that I somehow only just now, just this hour, on this day, remembered.

But it's not quite right

I realized, as I remembered, and imagined, that I believed I'd never go back there. That I'd only ever be in new places. But I um. I hope that isn't true. I missss.. I miss it so much. I miss it so much. I have never missed anything more in my entire life. I would like to die there. I miss my hometown.

And this "real"
It's impossible if possible at whose blind word
So clear but so unheard

I have known, recently, forever, that I love the wind. I love the wind in a way I cannot describe to anyone else, and in a way I find hard to appreciate when there are people around. I just can't. But it makes me want to cry every single time. I just want to die. I have never been outside, alone, listening to the wind, and not wished I could die there. It is just so beautiful. I don't...I don't know. I wonder if I'd ever trust someone enough to listen to it with them andd um. and Enjoy it.

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this silence all night long

I remember it so well. How it smelled, and sounded, and where the sun was, where I was. I miss those parks and trails every day of my life, I guess, and I just didn't know until now. I can't believe I might never go back there. I have to I just. I need to go back. I have to be there again. I need photos and people or something I need to make sure I never ever ever forget ever again.

It's just a matter of time

I just can't remember where it Actually was. I don't know if these places are still there. I don't know if I'll ever see them again. Or talk to the person who brought me there. Ever again

I miss my dad so mcuh. and the usmmer with him and going out and when he loved me so much and he cared and he was trying his hardest and i think he loved me i really do think he loved me and m aybe he still does

and it's harder to be yourself
than it is to be anyone else

i am so thankful for everything. i wish there wereeee.. um, words. its sort of hard to talk, sometimes, knowing that no one will ever be able to truly understand it outside of themselves. but i mean...thats just how we are. it takes a lot to know that others are real. things like, that when they die, they're gone. to you, they're not, because you remember. but some day, you will die, and no one will remember you. and then what. you'll be...actually dead. how horrifying that is.

i just...i honestly um...i wish i could just watch. and learn. but unfortunatelyyy immm. i am full of love. and cannot help but interfere. interfere and prompt anddd..and use my love toooo...to get the most out of it all. to understand people. to know as much as i can about them.

it's... it's not exactly "knowing", though. i don't... i can't remember most things i learn. even things ive spent a very long time waiting to find out. its just...i like um...i like just...being. gosh. it's just very honourable, i think. to be told things. and perhaps i'm stripping that of all meaning by forgetting. but, we're all going to forget some time,, like, when we die. it just feels nice to put it out there. to know that someone could learn. and doesn't everybody like being asked questions?

i wish that i were someone closer to you

its so scary for me—probably for everyone else too, but i cant be sure—to love. not, uh, like, the.. the usual parts. not the telling, or the time spent, um.. that stuff. i just feel very trapped. it...like, loving someone means ii...i'm probably more affected by them then they by me. thats not ideal, when i'm living just to learn about people. i don't mind if people get me or not. i...have a lot of history with that, you, reader, may note. I don't think i'll ever feel understood enough to...i don't think anyone will ever want to learn about me the way i do others. not because i'm special, in any special sort of way. just special in a lot of small ways. small ways that ward off people like myself.

and i know this won't last forever
but goddamnit, it feels like forever

What ths fuck was I Talking about.

Nobody knows
How long I've been waiting for death

I love the End so much. I mean, I'm obviously a big "fan" (eughh..) of the Eye, but, really, I probably...at least partially belong to the End.

It's probably just the depression. Depressive episodes, I mean. You know, the essentially guarenteed thoughts of death. Except I'm still not suicidal. ... I just uhh. I am trying very hard to live more. And I think it's going great. I think it's going great.

My memory is getting, uh, worse, though. I'mmmm. I'm isolating. Maybe thats why I'm still so fucking depressed? Being with people isn't working, which is a sign that I gotta stop. Stop seeing them and stop talking. But its so late that I guess I didn't realize I've like..already stopped. I guess. And it's harder when this happens because I'm just not...very sad often. I just get sad. When I talk to my friends and when I. Think about them. Or my future.

...

Drawing birds helped, I suppose.

We're going to die. I'm going to die. I don't see anything wrong with dedicating a bit of my youth to consider this. I'd...what I'd really like is a few days. A few days where time doesnt pass, for me to think about what to do, about dying. Have just.. to have just any plan. I'm going to die. Which is.. its fine. But I need to live. I won't be able to handle it. Dying a wimp. And I won't be able to handle my friends dying, either. But um... I'm worried about my memories. They'll be gone. And all of...well. we're all going to forget, then die. All of this. Oh wowm umm I forgot. I forgot about that. That... Everyone else will die, too. And then this will be nothing. In the moment.

But it is, now.

Nobody knows
How long I've been waiting for death

it's believably incredible and memorably f orgettable
it's getting late so early these days
something turns inside me as i hear the turn of phrase

ahhhhhhshhhh. that's a sighing noise. i'm not sure. what. ugh. gosh. shit just be happening, eh? like? oh sorry i'll never. sorry. ok. sorry. i'll never type eh again. but it just... it really does. and it doesn't get better until it does and this stupid fucking disorder fuck like what even...god...its so embarrassing being disordered like theres a book that says like...how i act. how my mood changes. fuckin ridiculous.

but it's alright. i'm alright. this is, LOL. its uh. this is usual, i think. this is how it is during the good days. little things matter and i get fucked. when am i not getting fucked? it's about 2:11PM and i'm at tims. i have to head back to the school now, to meet my friend. i only skipped fourth because i wanted to study for a quiz fifth, but then during fourth we didnt even do anything, and the quiz was moved to tomorrow. so...what........ what are we doing?

i have so much to write about. i think about writing all day. but then i am tired, and everything i want to write about is so familiar to me i can't help the boredom of...describing it, for no one to see.

the words s osober, my composure fades
in the eyes of the beholder but the beauty floats away in outer space

I just kept thinking to myself: the moment I die will feel just the same as this one. It’s not a thing forever in the future; I will be in that present just as surely as I am in this one. And I will end. I’ve never been a religious man, and I always say I take comfort in the idea of a peaceful oblivion but that’s a lie. I’m terrified.

and it's sad to know that we are not alone
and it's sad to know there's no honest way out

I'm tired. And my eyes have been stinging for a few days now. Is this what it feels like being s2 Jonathan Sims. Cuz what're we DOING!!! I guess I'm thankful that TMA taught me about Dread and being Lost and Paranoid. Because I am. I am all of those things, these days! I just...wouldn't have the words, if it weren't for Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London. So that's nice. It feels nice.

Well, I'm adding onto this a bit later, and I was wrong. It's what sTHREE Jonathan Sims feels like. Ahh.. Actually, I don't know that I'm THAT bad.

in this life we lead
we can conquer everything
if we could just get the braves to get out of bed in the morning

Until I reach an end that may be more gruesome, but is fundamentally no different than that which awaits us all.

Maybe I'll come true

It's sort of hard. To exist. And be normal. I've been doing very good recently, I mean, dread aside. But right now...or, a bit earlier, when I was trying to continue my last post, I just...this happens so often. I find myself, um...lost. There is just too much. There is...too much. Too much to think about and consider. I just can't do it. And it just...ugh. What are you supposed to do? Talk to somebody about it? Hit your friends up, and go "hey, are any of you stuck on how MUCH there is, these days?", or something of the like?

But I got this sinking feeling

Because even if you did...do that. It doesn't help. Nothing helps. Everything feels so distant, and meaningless. I feel like that a lot—distant, and like things are meaningless, but usually its within the context of being depressive and self absorbed. This is the equilibrium of that, it's a "realization" I've been through thousands of times. So I know the answer—what to do, who to talk to. Of course, you do nothing, and talk to no one. And it will go away. It has to, because eventually, something will drag you back into your life. Probably your environment...or someone in it, maybe. You can't be lost forever.

That nothing's real anymore

But that doesn't really. Um...Help, obviously. In the moment. It might take a while. This is just such um. Bullshit. That everything is changing all the time, and that every day is a game to keep SOMETHING going for long enough to keep my shit together. My life and my friends and, most importantly, my future. Whats up with that, why is there so much ahead of me? And why does it all depend on the me right now? Stop that!!!

But I don't care, do you?

'Cause it's: birds and heights and movie credits

Maybe I am better because of time. I think that makes sense. I was thinkin about it earlier, um...gosh, it's a bit complicated to explain the thought process, but I guess I was justtt. God. Okay. Well.

Speaking to someone (who, I cannot recall,) and said something like "Dirk is embarrassing but thats fine because he's 16 and disordered. Jonathan Sims is a grown ass man with embarrassing issues!" andd. It got me to thinking. First of all, it made me feel like...when people kin characters, as they are, as adults, while being er...not an adult, well I think it might change them a bit, right? They might feel more...more grown. But they're not. Almost all of my kins are kids, or...I guess hajime hinata is a young adult? Lee Smith is the most notable adult, though I only relate to him in specific ways that don't pertain to his adult life, per se.

I sort of had this backed up in my head...when I thought about how I felt when I was mostly acting like...this is stupid, but, Karkat, right...er, well, Karkat Vantas is 13, most of the time. He changes a bit when he's older, the same way I am, so I was probably more like older KK, Nonetheless, I um. Well I felt very childish. Which is a SCORE for me, because I have a bit of a hard time dealing with the more childish of my behaviours. Additionally, when I am being childish, I'm more like younger Dirk, while I'd say I'm usually quite a bit like 16yo Dirk. These are things that affirm, to me, that I'm actually like a character. I am perfectly fine with just relating to a character in a normal way, LOL, but it means a lot to me when things like this happen. I am making progress...like them. You know? It makes me kinda hopeful.

Well, anyway. I'm relating a lot to Jon, I guess. But I'm unusually embarrassed. And, well, I think that might be because...I think...gosh, well. I'm not done TMA, so I can't say. But Jon is just like me...as I am now...as an adult. So I don't really get that whole Mature thing, since Jon himself is just as immature as me, I'm finding. At least, most of the time, in most of the same regards.

Or that my whole life could be sleep

Oh, but mainly losing you

Baby, could you play along with me,

It seems like this is somehow, really, genuinely making me feel better about the way I feel. I'm like Jon because I'm so scared for no apparent reason. Fo Sho. LOL. Well, anyways...I just...I'm so scared! I can't stop saying it. Using that phrasing. I don't know how else to put it, I guess...I'm not particularly paranoid about anything in...specific. I don't think I'm being watched, or everyone is going to betray me, or.. or anything. I just um.. I feeel...very separate. I am feeling forced to acknowledge, all of the time, how separate I am from every thing around me. And how I have no control.

Baby, would that be alright with you?

Recently, I've been very happy. This is mostly thanks to little things, er, but, overall, it is all thanks to money. Convenience saves me. Maybe its my ADHD, but I'm inclined to think more pessimistically. Nonetheless, I've been so thankful for every extra charger, every hook on my wall, every cubby for items...just everything. And it's made me realize how scared I am--and never HAVE been, before-- to lose everything. In just the past few months, I've lost a lot. I lost my laptop charger, my physics notes, and my flashdrive with every...photo...um. every photo from the last 4 years on it. I can't spend too much time thinking about that orrr. I'll cry.

And when we find out what's wrong with me,

Well I just...I've already lost so much. I apologize for using that phrasing. I know I'm using it rather informally. What I mean is that I've lost track of many ITEMS. I haven't "lost everything". But I'm scared to. in a way I've never been before. I've just spent so much time keeping track of everything, and making sure its all stored somewhere, somewhere safe, anddd! I just. I'm losing it a bit. I don't...I can't find it in myself to care as much. Whether all my records are there, or if all of my belongings are here...and that just keeps scaring the shit out of me. I don't want to lose them. I can't remember anything. How am I supposed to act without all my memories? Like...Jesus. It's just horrible. My boyfriend has helped ground me a lot. So...thats nice. But it still...I'm. You know. Still.

I'm just still...so scared.

Could you tell me how I'm right for you?

Alone at the edge of a universe humming a tune
With sparkling crystals souls aglow

I feel so good right now. I am...so fearful. Just so so scared. That thing I talked about, the dread of knowing that very soon, this will be gone. Your freedom and your past. I, before, said I felt it often the night of being grounded. In addition to that, it was...in cars. I think of when my mom made me talk to a police officer. At least, I think that happened...I think I remember the drive there more than actually talking to him. I'm not sure my mother remembers that at all. I just feel so good. And so thankful. I want to be nice.

I've been trying, recently. To be nice. To do things I wouldn't usually. To be someone people like. To remind those around me that I love them. To care less..about myself. I feel so good. So scared though. Just...so so so so fucking scared. I don't know what else to say.

In the past, when I've been at my worst, I...I think I like, start paying attention to things, more. Physically, most memorably, but to those around me, as well. I don't know exactly why. Maybe it was just to distract myself, and to avoid getting help. I feel...sort of like that. Or, very much like that. I am on edge all of the time, but I'm just so thankful I passed my classes and...I'm so...I can't keep saying it. I sound stupid. I just don't know what else to say.

A part of thee in the key of what we know to be every part without me
Knows only two can make it light

Today is one of those days I wouldn't mind dying. Or...maybe, better put, one of those days I feel I wouldn't mind dying. I'm sure there are many times I'd be alright with it that I just don't notice. I'm so thankful for days like these. It makes it easier to feel..um.. I don't know. Alive, on other...days.

You'll live forever tonight

congratulations, you survived your suicide
yeah, you and that horror show cliche you've been trying to hide

i very much miss writing in bed. now that my room is finally nice, and my bed is empty, i am missing it more than ever.

i'd like to rest and speak with no one. i don't want to deal with this. i feel no particular dread towards the conversation i'm going to have shortly, but i do feel something else. i guess maybe that something else IS dread. its something i've explained before, its just how i used to feel the night i was grounded. i was always getting grounded at night, so the consequences wouldnt come until tomorrow. it was the feeling of laying in bed, knowing that sleeping would do nothing. that sleeping would be a waste of time, and i need to take advantage of what i have, no matter how tired i am.

i guess maybe to avoid this, i slept for 13 hours a day, for a very very long time. i slept as much as i could. and i loved it so much. i loved sleep, and dreaming, and skipping days. i was so happy. dates meant nothing to me, and i talked to essentially no one.

i sometimes think i am not made to be around people, but i catch myself. i mean, you have to. thinking corny shit knowing it's wrong doesn't oft help much, if anything. doesn't fix anything, and doesn't make you feel any better. makes you feel stupid. in the moment AND later. so i try to avoid it.

i am just sad. i am sad knowing that in very short time, this will just be a thing i'm going through, and that i will probably make no change at all. tomorrow, i'd like to finish my pecha kucha, and request ms. stiles let me pass her course. it was very foolish, as she said it would be, to not finish it. very very foolish.

it is also times like these that i miss cutting myself real bad. not the kind i'd think about for ages and have a record of, the kind that no one hears about. now that i think of it, or, now that im talking about it, i guess there have been a lot of things no one hears about. and i'm, as always, so proud to be able to do that. i never stick to anything. it feels very nice. to know that i really did feel it, and i know that because i didn't get anyone else's thoughts on it, and i have a mark, and stuff. or i remember the feeling, at least. like all of the times i hit myself. i'd never ever leave bruises cuz i'm so weak LOL, which means its just um, its always very real, and it, well, like, it can't be preformative. i like knowing for sure that it isn't. it can't be, if no one knows when it happens, or how, or why, or whatever. even if the people have an idea that its something i do, that doesnt matter.

i hope it would shape me, though. i hope it would be on someones mind, maybe, when talking to me, sometimes. i think it would help make me human. but maybe not. you never know how people feel about this sort of thing.

there is just no point explaining it to anyone, i guess. or trying. because it just means nothing, and thats not anyone's fault. and it hurts a lot to think theres no one to talk to, but thats just how it is. jesus.

congratulations, the good guy is gonna survive
congratulations, the killer is still alive
you tried to pull the trigger, but you hand began to shake
and so you dodged a bullet, that you wanted to take
life is long and sweet and love is pure and true
so we got ourselves a problem here, and the problem is you

I often think of my past dreams. It is not by choice most of the time, theyre jyst such a big big part of my memories. I cant think of much without a dream being relevant.

Its been a few fimes already now that ive had to remind myself my dreams of my father aren't real. Not the horrible ones, but the realistic ones, about visiting or about texting and stuff.

My father would often be frustrated with me for all of the questions id ask him. They were framed oddly and about the same things every time. Do you remember the name of this game we played this one year, did we go to this one place with this room like this, do you rememeber when we listened to this song while driving there, etc etc. I often tried very hard not to forget stuff with him, since I saw him so little. But it never worked. I still don't know the names of the games or the places we went, or if we went at all. And I can't foresee this changing orr...getting any better. I know thattt.. i know these things. Like somewhere. In my head. I'll just never rememeber.

And i wish there were an amount of emphasis to get this across, like, for the rest of my life. That I'm...that i cant remember. I can't remember almost anything.

Knowing evedy danganeonpa and homestuck characters name isnt much, because i only barely know these things either. I dont actually Know them, i just feel them. I have to recite their intros to remember the sounds they make, and every sound is easily interchangable. I guess its kinda easier due to the language difference. Sayaka maizono is easily sayano maizana. It means nothing to me. Almost nothing. I oft mess up komaeda and hinatas names, even. It doesnt matter how much I like the fucking...games or whatever. It doesnt matter.

But I easily remember feelings yhat comre with places. Being a place for the first time and...returning.

All of my friend's houses are here. I remember fhem all. What they looked like and how they felt.

Whatever. I just wish anybody understood i um. I cant remember anything.

literally what am i supposed to do at this point like what am i to say to any of this or anything holy shit

how am i going to talk to anybody ever again knowing that theyve seen me so ugly i just can't comprehend them even looking at me in the same way, and yet, here i am! the same place i was five years ago! of this stupid fucking belief that everything i say is being read through the eyes of someone who sees me as ugly anddd. and that constricts me. and its just true. its so true. as much as i know it's false, which i do of course, its only false to some people. there are many out there who are in fact reading my word differently because of how freaking hard i am to look at. and its just. holy fuck i hate everybody Its hard to think there are people out there who don't feel that way.

but of course i'm thankful they don't and its hard to explaint his because i'm arguing for it being true in my case. but i understand that its the same as all that shedtwt bullshit where no amount of "but just for me" makes it work. and you have to love yourself and shit to love other people. i was getting there ir eally was but i can't do it any more. i do not love myself in any regard and i was so close i was really getting to a point where i understood what there was to like. i just don't anymore. and it seems like those closest to me, whom i love the upmost, agree that there is nothing, and they've, what, known that the whole time? like i hate all of you. i hate all of you. i do not want to think about this any more. i hate crying over how i look. because i dont' even think i'm THAT!!! FUCKING UGLY!!! but that doesn't matter it just doesn't because i kind of am and that hinders who i am as a person and it always will and this is so fucking stupid.

but i think this is how its supposed to be. you are supposed to have people take bad pictures of you. and you are supposed to be OK with that. and i am--because people have been taking bad pictures of me forever--but not my friends, man. people who don't like me. and that's been fine. but jesus fucking christ i just. its so hard. and i just. i won't talk to any of you the same after this.

i have consistently given up uh any sort of...well, more like, i've given everything up. that is a trait people like in me, i guess. that i am gneuine and stuff. and authetnic. all da time . but i can't do it anymore. i can't!!!! how am i supposed to !!!! do that knowing that it could just mean nothing and it could be used for some shitty joke in a gc i'm fully aware of lik eoh myg od i cannot do this bruh

i am just sensitive an di'll get over this shortly and its whatever. it is how youre supposed to be and i will be like that. i will be fine. but good fucking lord

and what i don't get is how all of you could do that to me. am i that bad? is it so bad you didn't even consider if i would care? am i the sort of bad where this was some sort of lighthearted genuine jab at me for all the ways i've hurt you all? it just has got to be. i hate it so much and i feel so fucking betrayed but there's just nothing to be do ne and its my fault fo rbeing evil to you i think. whatever

thanks

hi im back i just hate everyone i hate all of you i odn't know why anyone eouwld do that to me and you know. people have probably been shit talking me in gcs forever. and you probably didnt even consider this "shit talking" but holy fuck

ya its over. this is over. i am over.

I guess something I feel like I somehow just now understood--though, I seem to always feel like that about any thought or opinion or whatever I have, uh, ever, so, I probably have been knowing this--is that there is no way to satisfy everybody in your life!

Obviously there's no way to satisfy Everybody. I'd never...think that.

But It Just Dawned On Me (dondon me) because I Thought about how some people feel when you don't Respond to their texts for just a few days.

I just don't understand it that well. A Few Days is never really all that for me. And Yet It Can Make Or Break Somebody!

Crazy stuff!

Of course I'm not trying to say everybody is sensitive where I am logical... or something. I just mean that Its rare I feel that way. Only during very very very special occasion. Like when I'm on vacation. Obviously, when you're on vacation, every day matters. And it feels like sooo much lnger than it is!

This kinda surorises me, because, I'd say I live my days pretty actively. Just not active in a way that has anything to do with anybody else!

I don't Know.

Thanks

i'd like to get this over with now, so i can do ewll tomorrow.

i don't know what to do about my new years project. it seems so extraordinarily selfish.

perhaps i will write the letters normally as well as make the site. i don't know. it feels so selfish! all of it all of it. even doing that at all. because it, like, is. it makes me happy to do that. so maybe i shouldnt eb doing it at all.

hey

right now it is 6:49 PM EST. so its 4:59 for Rodya, 3:59 for Innon, and 5:59 for my friends in New Brunswick.

I finished writing tha tbefore the time changed. ah it just did. that was nice.

I'm sitting in the spare room at my Grandmother's house, in Ontario. The power is out right now. Normally I'd have the lamp on. There's a generator, but this room doesn't get any hydro anyway.

I miss Rodya and Innon. I'd have liked to tell them I loved them before I left my best friend's house, since it was a very very icy drive, and could have easily been dangerous. We had to detour twice thanks to fallen trees.

I'm listening to ... Scrawny, by Wallows. This song kind of upsets me, but I'm trying to get over that. For a while, it just made me think of bad stuff, and reminded me how powerless I am, and other silly things, but that's not such a bad thing, I guess.

After writing this I'm going to go to bed, though it's very early, because I'd like to do lots of stuff with my Grandmother tomorrow before I leave.

I'm trying not to think about stuff with my dad, but What Can You Do.

This place makes me so emotional. My best friend is the only friend of mine that's been at this house, so she's the only one who I can imagine Kind of understands.

I have spent a lot of my life here. Very very emotional times of my life. And this property is the most beautiful thing in the entire world to me. I pray that one day I will be able to live at a place like this.

The property has a large yellow house surrounded by gardens. There's a lake, a two story barn, a studio, a garage, a chicken coop, and a few run down firewood houses further down. I love it endlessly. I have spent many hours wandering around and taking photos of it. It means everything to me. The inside of the house is cluttered but pretty. There are hundreds of books--my grandmother is working on a library upstairs--and each room is unique. This spare room is where I have almost always stayed. For a short while, when I was young, back when my grandmother was still trying to make me Christian, I stayed in my cousins room, upstairs, next to hers. The room was still full of her old toys, which I often went through. At my house in new brunswick, on my mirror, is a floppy old dog stuffie that I took from my cousins belongings in that room. Though mostly this spare room.

The bed has a memory foam topping with a heavy duvet on top. It has bottom and top pillows, (for sleeping and reading), and lamps on either side. The bedside tables the lamps reside on have little drawers. I tend to use the drawers as I visit for more than a day.

For a short while I came here after school. This was while I was attended a school near here. This was during grades 3 and 4. For refernece, here's what my school attendance has looked like over the years.

school a, one year of kindergarden and grade 1 school b, grade 2 school c, grades 3 and 4 school d, grades 5 and 6 online school, grade 7 school e, grade 8

and now highschool, of which i've been at one the entirity of my highschool life. i know its high school and not highschool but highschool looks much better in my opinion.

It's come to my attention that this makes me one of those people who is "not in one place for long" and stuff, but I've never minded much, as I kind of didn't have close friends at any of these places anyway.

Anyhow. for a while, every Wednesday, I'd come see my grandmother. Later, when I almost "failed" grade 8, I came here to catch up on work. And shortly after I moved, I began coming every summer and winter.

I can't remember why or when I was here--when I have internet maybe I'll check--but one of the most memorable of visits was at one of the worst points in my life. My grandmother understood, though, and the time was well spent. I was on my phone a bit too often though. When I look into the drawer to the right of me, it feels a bit jarring, for just like, i don't know. A second. Not seeing my medical stuff. And what reminds me, I guess nearing the end of the jarring second, is that I'm not bleeding, so Obviously I'm not opening it looking for medical stuff, and there is no reason for it to be there.

I do remember, this was a time I flew in. I miss flying in quite a bit, since I fucking love visitng airports and being on planes, especially alone. Although this time I don't think I had started flying alone...so it must've been one of the first (if not the first?) times I flew in.

This property is just the best for walks. Not on the road--and, I don't enjoy doing that anymore unfortunately, after I started doing it just to get steps in--but on the paths between buildings. The wood houses are kind of far away from the lake and barn, so it's a nice walk.

There used to be a pool too. It was a large, above ground pool, with a built deck on one of the short ends. It was the absolute best. I never visited without using it. When I was younger, my dad and I would visit just to swim. I'd have strawberries with maple syrup as well. Fresh, obviously, probably picked from the garden.

Just yesterday, when I was at my best friend's house, (just today, technically, at around four), I went on a walk to the gas station. I was hoping it would "fix" me, because walks tend to. In New Brunswick I can't walk anywhere, so I try to walk alone at least once everytime I visit.

I'm going to touch more on this later, but as of now, what's relevant is that I thought (or, I guess, I was speaking out loud to myself, so rather "I said") that I should just start writing down my memories. It's...really bad, knowing that I can only remember maybe five at a time, and dates mean nothing, and all that stuff. So I think I will. For me. To help remember.

But not right now.

I guess I'll talk about that walk now!

It was just 12 hours before I was to be picked up to come Here, to my grandmmothers, about an hour out. I felt bad because I wanted to get some sleep, but at the same time, like, redbull was calling me.

So I went out to get my redbull, and get my best friend some beef jerky. I had a few topics in mind that I had messaged another close friend of mine about, that I had in m ind to discuss.

I had been yearning for a walk after I realized that for the past few months I haven't been focusing on my life at all, rather, entirely myself and my relationships. Which is kind of shit. The topics, as I remember them, were as follows: 1. heart players and something about not being able to focus on life, 2. whats up with me not understanding or knowing anybody, 3. what the fuck to do 4. school question mark. Now, for reference, the heart players thing wasn't exactly what I meant by that. It wasn't about Homestuck, rather, just people who are too obsessed with themselves. Like me.

Uh, but I didn't do much. I spoke to myself out loud for a while. I used to do that a lot. Especially when I was around 11. I'd lay in the street and talk. Which isn't that emo, since I wasn't trying to kill myself or anything. I lived in the country, so I'd know if there were cars. Though there never were. It was nice. Never helped with much. I'd always just end up with "I don't know", over and over again, the gap between each lengthening until I guess I wasn't speaking at all any more. I'd forget whatever It Was at the time, then finish getting firewood and go back inside.

Now as I walked, I was anxious where I usually didn't need to be. I wasn't in the country anymore, rather, a little path just on the edge of the woods in the city. Maybe I'll attach pictures I took. The path was nice and lit despite the time. I had already walked on it once that day, and at that time I did see people as I walked, a parent with a child and someone with their dog. I had a switchblade my best friend suggested I take. It was a very tacky opal with a chain design on the side. So I kept checking behind me--not that I stopped talking. It wasn't until past this little path that I got to the "I Don't Know"s. That was when I was about two thirds to the gas station. I was quiet for a bit before continuing on about how there was just nothing to do. Which isn't that true, but I guess I always end up there if I don't stop talking. I just got to the gas station when I paused, obviously, and only spoke to whisper about how shit the deals were.

Althogh the deals actually werent that bad at all. This circle K had the best redbull deal I'd ever seen. which was Pretttyyy Awesome. So I bought some and left.

I didn't have to cross the street to get there, as I came up from behind the plaza it was near, but I walked on the sidewalk for about 15 meters to get to the entrance. I had been listening to music the entire time, but I took my headphones off to listen for cars. There were none. I kept looking

the power jsut flickered. I saw the lights on the studio--my window, the one in front of me, opposite the bed, faces the studio in such a way that the fairylights are in plain view--turn on for a minute. Man

I kept glancing up though. At the street lights. Since they...obviously changed despite the fact there were no cars, it was eye catching. I took my headphones off--my music was loud enough for me to still listen--and watched them for a minute. I pulled my bag from around me to grab a redbull (original). I wanted to sit down, but sitting in a well lit area with no one around seemed like a worse idea than just hanging out on the pathway there. Nonetheless, I crossed the street from where I was standing, and found a bench to sit on. Not...like, sit on properly. To crouch on. Like, sit on the top bit, since it was covered in snow. I had borrowed a pair of cozy pants from my best friend, so it was fine if they got a bit wet. I watched the lights and drank my drink. Eventually, I guess I had looked down and forgot to look back up, so I had been sitting just looking at the bench for a while. I don't think I was talking. Though I mightve been. If I was, it would've been about how, again, there's nothing to do, and I just have to stop talking to fix stuff. And maybe a bit about how I should try being a person without relying on other people's perceptions of me, though, that idea has never really stuck with me, considering I have never lived that way.

I had been.. I guess, spilling the redbull a bit, not that it mattered. It burned to wipe off a bit, but this was fine--my skin always burned in the winter anyway.

When I got up to leave, I stood in the middle of the road for a minute, just now reminded of those times in the country. There hadn't been a car in about 10 minutes, and I was betting that I could stand there for longer, but I didn't try. As I was walking, almost behind the plaza again, I was kind of annoyed at how I'd ended up just thinking about myself, despite one of the topics I was trying to think about being about how that's a huge fucking issue, and a bit about how anyone has ever felt bad for me--mostly because of the stuff I write. I decided to stop writing for people to see. I wanted to talk about the walk--and what was about to happen--with enough detail that future me could relive it--but without worrying those who care about me.

Clearly this didn't matter much in hindset, and I'm going to recount it anyway.

I was specifically Quite annoyed about (from what I recall, and was just recalling at the time) this thing I had said in a post, about how it doesn't matter that I don't have vices, because I should just throw myself at wall or something. This was annoying because as I walked, all of my friends were in New Brunswick drinking, and I had bought a lighter but didn't have anything to light. Like how fucking depressing is that? Anyway, I had got to thinking about how I used to hit myself, though I was never any good at it, and had to use tools (I guess in part due to how weak I am). Though this--what I was about to do, hitting myself--wasn't particularly comparable to what I used to do. I had been doing it a while ago to leave bruises. Which was because I couldn't cut myself anymore, and I missed stinging during class. That was...kind of emo, and I am sure I could've survived without it, though it certainly felt like I had no other choice at the time.

Now what I was walking and doing wasn't like that. It was willing, and pretty fantastic until I could hear the noises I was making. And while this is recounting of a sort, I'm not going to go over it with much literal detail, because I won't forget any of it. What I'd like to remind future me to remember with care is how I went about it. Which was without care, and in a way that really, really hurt, and was really, really embarrassing. Because it was not a good hurt, and it was very shameful. And you realized that when you took your bag off, set your drink down, took your cap and headphones off, and heard the effort it was taking to do yourself just a bit of damage. That's like, humiliating. They're saying he's too weak to leave a mark. Like holy shit dude. Get over it. I just ask that You ask Yourself this: how much do you have to deserve something--you in particular--to do ANYTHING without question and hesitation? I'd say, a whole lot. Maybe that means something.

And I did get over it. At the end of the winding path, I sat my can down, empty, crushed it, and kicked it down the street to my best friends house. I have the crushed can in my backpack now.

At some point on the walk, I was verbally reminding myself about how much better everyone was than me. Now, in writing, this is pretty attention seeking. But that's okay, because it isn't for You, reader, it's for Me. and I know that I was saying that because it's true, and because I need to get into the habit of reminding myself to...try to be someone, so that I really do deserve to talk to and treat people even, like, half as "bad" as I treat them.

I'll add onto this later, maybe. I love this house. I turned the lamp next to me on, so hopefully when the power comes on, I'll wake up, and can talk to my friends.

thanks.

Yes it doesnt matter and ges you will get over it because. Becsuse there ARE people you Know and people matter. MORE FHAN YOU!!!!! so LOCK THS FHCK IN!!!!!!!!! FOR the people you CARE ABOUT. PLEASE. GOD!!! Whatre you doing man!!!!!!!!!!! Tjrow youself at a Wall or somerhing no one gaf you dont have vices greedy little shit good lord reading fhis shit pidses me off

I am so sick of this. Wjy does this always ahooen?

Well, probably because its a teminder that like, im failing myself and everubody and all of thwt. And thathe little things matter. Nothing pisses mf off more. That i acknowledge allll the little things fo everybodg and i KNOW them all and that doesnt change jack shit!!!!! Knowing them doesnt stop me from fucking uo in ways that people notice nad that form me as a persob and a rexognizable identity. Nkt wt all. Never everrrrr stops.

I wonder if some day this will be gone for as long as i need it to be. Gone long enough that i can sit down and make sense and have shit to say about real things. Actual things to say.

As it js, i cannot see that! Like holy Fuck! It doesnt matter HOW i feel, my brain is Mush!!!!!!!! Is everybodg like this?

Trying doesnt even matter. Trying means nothing. Trying is a game that i male into somethi g logic. It isnt a way i live and it certainly isnt authentic. I dont know HOW to be authentic!!!!!!!!! I dont know ANYTHING!!!!! its so fucking. Oh my god. I know Nothing. When im sad all i know is how bad i want to die and shit and when im happy all i know is in the moment and everything i know just instantly disappears fhe second i like, glance in its direction.

I have no memories. Do people have solud membories? I dont know what im making up. Im not sure ive ever been confident in anything. If you put me in a room, like, locked me in it. Under any circumstance. Like, wt my own house. You lock me in my room. Id forget everything. I wouldnt know what happenedd and what didnt. And it wouldnt matter. Nothing wohld natter. Within hours id be thinking about how to kill myself! Which OBVIOUSOY is NOTHING and means NOTHING because id NEVR DO THAT. but FUCK MAN!!! i got ZEDRKOKOO vices. NNOTHINGGG. anymore. Nothing. What the hell am I suppsied to do? Well, i guess what i do is i lash out at peiple now. WHAT THE HELLS THATA LL ABLUT! USED TO BE A JOKE!!!!! a genuine joke! Id NEVER blow up on prople! And yet here i sm. Holy FUCK dude. Nothing means ANYTHING. I have nver known ANYTHING.

And what, i just have to keep living? Living? Living? LicingM ? Is that??? What that is? I know nothing. What is somone ssuposid to evene fucking do with that. All my stupid fucking feelings ablut things are.. so unfathomably flakey. I am nobody!!!!! And any identity i have has never meant JAC K KKK!!!!!!!!

I cant believe id noramally care about these fucking typos. You know what id say

That it means a lot. Hat the typos rxpress my mood (maybe true) and they seem corny and i shouldnt do them if i want to mean something. Although, they do, again, get across the tone, shich can be helpfulf or viewers LILE DDUE SHITTTTT UPPO SHUT UP SHUT UP WHAT ARE YOU TALJING ABOUT!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHO CARES?????? WHOOO??? HAS THAT EVER MATERED? has ANYTHING youve EVER SAID mattered at ALL??????

Ofcourse, hed say, becsuse we have lekple in our life, and you fant let them down. And yeah, for sure, whatever man. But they dont understand. I am NOBODY!!!!! nothing has meant ANYTHING!!!!!!!! how is anybody supposex to hear that and be fucking fine? That the lerson they know, sometimes, isnt anybody? And doesnt remember an- oh, wait, he NEVER remembers anything. About zAnybody but HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!

he cant even Fucking rememebr. HIS KWN MEMORIES!!!!! ALL he knows are FuCK ASS SCENES FROM HIS CHILDHOOD!!!!!! and what it fuccking felt like.b and obviously his feelings are EXTRAORDINARLY RELUABLEHOOOLLYYY FUCK!!!!!! .

this is fuxking annoying. I dont want to do this or feek this way. I cant even fucking. Dude. Oh my stupid fucking god. This is so fucking ridicukous. Ghat stupud Me wont even let me talk. I just cant even. Do anything sbout this. I have no vices. This is all i have. My word. Which. Is the most meaninglessthing. Jve enevr even.

And ther eare so many people out there who surely understand how i feel.and that meand Nothing. It means nothing.

Wjy the fuck!!! Woyld i care about the fact kther peiple have been as sad as me!!!!!!! It never even occured to me to do thst til RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! i may be the WORST PERSONALIVE!!!!! becuase im not even fhat fucking bad! Just!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!

And these are Big dramatic words. Bjt WHATVEER YES ILL GET LVER IT OR WHATVEER FUCKKK MY BAKA STIPID FUCKING LFIE I LROBABLY WONT E EN BE FHCKING HAUNTED BY IT OR ANYTHING SINCE I HAVE!!!!!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! 0000000 ZERRRRROOOOO VICES!!!! ZERO CONSEAUENCES FOR BEING AN EGOTISTICAL PIECE OF SHIT FOR 80% OF THE DAY EVERY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK

as of late, alright actually nevermind bad intro

i often say that a quote i love, if not my favourite quote, is from I Want To Eat Your Pancreas. it is a lengthy monologue done by sakura yamauchi

FUCK i have to wait to do this innon i'm going to fucking kill you. i have no idea what the fuck i was talking about. oh my god. kill yourself.

in pitch dark, i go walking in your landscape/broken branches trip me as i speak/just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there

lately i've gotten ample chances to type like dirk strider. that's hopefully the only time in the next few paragraphs, or maybe, days, that i'll say his name, cuz he's pissing me off real bad. like so bad. i hate talking. so fuckin gmuch. this is awful.

just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean its there

but it's so much more approachable when i just do it the way he does! it makes me fact check what i'm saying, which puts emphasis on my words having meaning. this is important, and it emotionally distances me from those i'm talking to, which is Nice to Feel when i'm ending my life

why so green, and lonely, and lonely/and lonely/heaven sent you to me, to me/to me

but it feels even nicer when the person i'm talking to has Nothing to say about it. because they can understand why i'd...behave like that. i feel more seen than ever. that's horrendous. stop roleplaying dude. except i'm. i'm not roleplaying. if i could, and if i was Good at distancing myself, i'd talk like that forever. forever and ever. so many capitals. so many periods. all the time. so you never feel like i'm really Listening to you, who is using casual punctuation. and we will never truly understand each other. but you don't know that you Already Do understand me, and that what you Think of me is Really all there is to see, and that it Defines me more than you Know!

and that's all true no matter how i type, apparently.

we are accidents/waiting, waiting/to happen
we are accidents/waiting, waiting/to happen

thanks

i'm not so sure if that's important
free association makes me dizzy

some days i wish that i could be that
sometimes i forget to spit out the seeds
i'll make it through this if it kills me
and when it kills me i'll come back

tonight i am kneeling from the puke
still doing all i can, to understand
one more erotic nightmare about you

this is horrible. but there is really nothing to do about it. like, nothing at all. like actually nothing. and nothing IS going to happen! i won't even be able to get my hair cut. like oh my god bruh. i just kind of don't know how we got here. how did i get to a point i am talking about myself this often, and letting people think of me like this?

i guess it was all in an attempt to be honest, but there's no point in that, because my honesty is so Nothing! and it might Genuinely be better when i am a self loathing loser ALL the TIME!!!

i have been trying to tell people how i feel and shit but its just useless. it doesn't matter. what especially does not matter is who i like and care about. i haven't been showing anyone that i care at all. maybe...two people. maybe. barely. so what's the point! like, there kind of isn't one. and no amount of like, "no, i do care about you." changes anything. i am just too weak! and too weak to even try being any stronger. that's the lamest stupidest most selfish shit i've ever heard. and i just wonder. like

what has to happen for this to go away. who's sacrifice is going to be the thing that changes me? and that's the most horrible thing in the entire world. that it's going to take someone else's loss. but i feel like it will.

easy eyes, you light up a crowd
life seems so dire when you're around
soft goodbyes, you never stay still
and in the moment i hope you will

broken ties, you're holding me back
maybe tomorrow i won't react

i was waiting on some other words
you were giving me excuses
in my confusion i was content

giving you what you once thought was affection
i don't need anyone
and i've no money left to see you scream
never felt so insecure as when you never look at me
despite the comfort in your softest eye
you'll find your easy eyes, they go blind

but this is all nothing, too. my word is clearly...meaningless, i guess. and i've always felt this. i feel too bad using i/me/myself because its just, like, lacking substance. always. and i wish i didn't need to speak. i am sure who i Really Am would become apparent, then. not to say that i "really am" a horrible person, per se, but i do think that, while understanding it is likely not entirely realistic nor literally accurate.

it wasn't really anything
but it made me want to cry

but i haven't talked about it after all
i've done this shit for so long
i just don't think there is more for me to say

how many more times can i say that to people? it must be abusive in some sense. is it not habitually...evil, to tell someone who feels Worthless "you're wrong", and to respond to their wondering of How So, tell them "Because I Said So"? <== punctuation outside of quotation because it's So Ugly on the inside, as well as, Fucking Stupid and Awful and Dumb

what the fuck am i even doing. this is so annoying. blogging this shit is so stupid.

i JUST!! just. JUST NOW remembered that this is because i am depressed. and when i'm done, i'll feel like a fine—if not GOOD—Friend. isn't that so fucked up? that i'm so close to properly acknowledging and remembering how mean i can be, and it'll just go away shortly? and i won't understand at all? i'll disagree so heavily i'll think "wow, he was ons omething. i could argue against ALL of these points". which is so bullshit.

i mean, not really—i COULD argue against all my own points. but of course i can, i love arguing, i'd argue anything. that's meaningless. oh, whats that, "meaningless"? like ther est of the things you say?

but he wouldn't understand that. so. its whatever.

thanks

and i cant feel shit again. ive gotten pretty used to it over the past few months, bjt fuxk does it just remind me how shit i feel. it really makes nothing matter. everu time k reach into my bag and hurt myself it just like! ohh rigjt nothign fucking matters. oh right i forhot i am depressed. welp!! guess ill think about that for a bit longer

and in the wjnd and pouring rain
im so full kf empty space

i sometimes wonder if i really am overthinking, and i simply overestimate how "good" every person is. but this is so oft proven wrong. i think it's because there are so so many people out there who don't need to try this fucking hard to just like, treat those around them well, and consider other people, and somesuch. that absolutely has to be it.

(if you think that you're strong enough) nice dream
(if you think you belong enough) nice dream

the thing that i failed to understand, and the thing that i am sure some other me will say I am not understanding, is that it gets worse. oftentimes, it feels like it cannot before it does.

a way to try to combat this is to always be "worse". whether in truth or in some sort of illusionist sense, it will help you understand yourself, and not take things for granted.

one of the most often times (i think) people think of themselves all split-up-like, is when they are ill. this is pretty commonly accepted i think. when your body betrays you, you're more aware of how Not You it is, and how the you who didn't care to take note of this, was silly.

so, if you live your life acting ill, you will notice these things without the consequences.

although in my case, i only told myself it was illusion and Acting. it wasn't. and i thought, somehow, that i had it handled. like this would be any different.

and that's that. as soon as i start going on about some "it's the same it always has been", it's the same it always has been. that realization never gets old. but the gap between each time is getting larger. and that's awesome.

this illusion thing, thinking i was just acting the worst while suffering Some of the consequences...it was stupid, and i regret it. i wasn't that bad at all. i.. mean, i was, but not in any way comparable to now. i don't know how i got here exactly. but i do know when i realized.

about ten minutes ago, when i finished making myself food. my parents arent home, and we have nothing instant. so i microwaved some rice and added black bean sauce from my ramen. as i was washing my hands while the rice heated up, it occurred to me that i don't quite recall the past few conversations i've had with Anyone. other than, you know, with my friend who was at my house just an hour or so prior.

and it just could've been normal. and i hate this. i hate it so much i can't help but start putting true care into my actions, and being genuinely thankful for things around me. what an awful awful awful awful way for me to be. i guess, based on my past writing, i tend to end up spending all of my time thinking about other people.

and i fear that i think that's a good thing. i know that I really don't think it's a good thing—i remember just recently i was talking with ... someone who i can't recall, about how fucking insane my past writings are, and how bad i was. i don't really want to agree with them, then, honestly, yet here i am.

and i'm so...i want to be worried so bad. in the past few minutes i've kept becoming extremely fearful before moving on. i wish i didn't do that.

because i really would like to think about the things i tend to tell myself. like how it's good to express yourself even though it is so so tiring. and stuff about how i'm betraying everyone when i feign my stability to such a degree. but i just know i won't be able to. and it's a waste. and its time better spent doing work or cleaning or something. man

fuck my stupid fucking baka fucking life. holy shit. maybe it'll go away. maybe somehow this will go away in an hour or so. it'll be record time. i'll be fine.

well fuck me. this is...hard. to write. i'm just writing to future me. i don't know how anyone else will interpret anything here, and it just doesn't matter, because i was already so bad. what words are there to use here, even? i am indescribably worse. but assuming i'll keep acting like this, i guess it won't look like that. it'll look...better, probably. talking more and shit. i don't want to do that. i just want to take time off and be alone. but being alone is what causes this i think. so what the fuck ever, man. this is meaningless.

i feel so much regret for ever ever trying to talk about this or anything relating to this. this is all so so so much bullshit that all means nothing. i hope it never means anything to anyone—i hope that doesn't sound too angsty to say, but why would i ever want it to? and thats what i was trying to do, talking about it, and explaining myself, just so much nothing. i am so so sorry. holy fuck

i guess what it's all about is that this is not special. and in writing it down, having someone read it, i'm giving that impression, or Trying to. but it isn't. everyone gets depressed i think. and it's not anyone's fault, and there's nothing to be done about it.

thanks

i laugh, and you agree
that this thing has got the best of me

recently i've caught myself a few times saying or thinking "god, i love dirk strider!" which is...its something! its something. i'm sure you, reader, have heard me talk endlessly about kinning and maybe even more specifically how one feels about the characters they kin. it's interesting.

i'm not a hugeee fan of this development. for my own sake. um. how do i word this. fuck this shit is so fucking embarrassing Man.

lets say the depressive more stoical me is AR, and the regular and hypomanic me is DS. fuck its so lame that i have to do that. but it'll surely be easier to understand who's saying what. that is to say, how you as a reader should trust and view what is being said. whatever. no one cares that fucking much. wwhatevva.

AR realizes... god

there are 27 people in the tim hortons right now. that doesn't matter, i just wanted something to do to chill the fuck out so i can write.

AR... does not Like dirk strider, and understands the certain issue that can come with even the IOTA of loving a character that represents you. truly lovnig and appreciating. that is dangerous. especially when the character and person already have ego issues. i trust him.

DS thinks it's cool. it's nice to think that despite all of the shit i think of myself, i can in any form, appreciate someone like me. i have a hard time doing that. viewing people like me in a positive/mormal way. it's hard.

but i can't think about it. viewing people at all is so fucking hard. and so nothing. and the fact i've winged it this long—and will almost certainly continue doing so, for what i assume will be the rest of my life—is fucking ridiculous.

but it's okay. i'm this is all fine. i'm getting to a point where i can accept things. which is what needs to happen for things to get done. but fuck is it hard.

i mean, look at me right now: i didn't even question the ethics of having a blog where i talk like this and people can read it. usually i have to go through a whole thing that certainly ultimately affects what i'm actually saiyng, and stuff. that didn't happen. we're getting somewhere.

now, back to dirk. now that i'm thinking about it, i can't recall exactly what makes me appreciate him and shit. i think it's just...the feeling of thinking about things that happened in a comic, truly understanding how this guy, if he were real, would have felt (but he isn't real, and i am, and i get it) is awesome. and the idea of other people liking him gives me some sort of hope that i'm not doomed.

and when i think about his relationship with jake...it's. it's unfathomable. he helps me realize i am simple. i can be reduced to a character from a comic. and when i have trouble understanding that, i think about it from the comic readers point of view. not just one point of view, but many. and this helps me accurately understand how people view me and my actions.

you can check this blog, like, the first posts. you'll see me saying things dirk thinks without even knowing that they're him!

oh, you want to be told you're stupid, so you don't feel all that complicated? and you want that to be OK?

and there jake is, not taking note of ittiest bittiest things, and talking about himself, and enjoying the fight. god man.

and here i am, with my freakin boyfriends.

now there are only 20 people.

GT: Are you sure you arent real?
GT: No offense but I kind of get the same smartass vibe from you as i do from the responder.
GT: Like har har i have the same basic personality as dirk but without any accountability or anything so let me just be kind of flippant and mess with this jake fellas head!
GT: You know what im saying?
TT: Yes.
TT: That's a surprisingly decent observation about me.
GT: Yeah see i think i maybe did a little TOO good of a job brain cloning you? This is way too much like talking to the REAL fake dirk.
GT: Holy cow what a dumb sentence that was.
TT: You did do a good job.
TT: A perfect job, in fact.
TT: Untapped potential, remember?
TT: I don't think one of Dirk's splinters could exist nearly as well in anyone's mind other than yours.

least romantic jakedirk interaction

man i hate reading that. oh to be a brain ghost without any accountability living in my boyfriends' head. what the fuck.

25 people.

thanks

sorry about the title. that's just the sound of me choking myself to death. which i'm doing. right now.

i saw some screenshots of what i assume is a popular tiktok post. its a street interview where a woman explains why "i remember you" is more romantic (?) than "i love you", and means more. because anyone can lie about loving, but not about remembering.

am i genuinely fucking doomed?

thanks

maybe the thing i really don't get is not how to not think this specific thing or how to have that one habit, but just how to not be so selfish. how many hours have i spent just thinking about all the shit i don't get?

and how many hours have i spent writing here, or reciting these sorts of self absorbed rants to myself?

i'd like to think my friends like me. i'd also like to think, hopefully along with their like of me, they don't oft have things to talk about, about me. a lot of who i am depends on these sorts of things--it's why i always prefer one on one relationships. so i can't be realized for how evil i am and whatnot. though i'm working on that.

but maybe, if my friends don't talk about me, it's because they know i won't change. and it'd just be too much work to come and talk to me about something i do or the way i talk or anything. maybe they'd think i have too much on my hands already, or that i'd argue with them.

that would be...very very unfortunate. but it's so likely.

most of my issues, i excuse. i Just Cant, is what i say.

and just like every other selfish person, i am sick of myself too.

just the other day, i was chatting with a friend. we were talking about ourselves, and our behaviours. i went on for a bit too long about myself, and then said "this is a lame topic" and changed what i was talking about. he went "this is not lame but we can change the topic if you'd like". i replied and said, in a manner i often do, "no its just, i said "i" and "me" too many times". he said he knew i'd say that, because he remembered me talking about it a long long time ago.

he could be reading this i guess. so hey.

this surprised me, um, a bit. i forgot that people remember things about me. i've known him for years. i've gone on, so many times, as ANYONE reading this would know i do, about my Things and Issues i have and shit. one of these Things is an Issue i have where i just lose it if i've spoken in first person for too long. not because i prefer secondary or third or something, it just reminds me how selfish i am.

and man. what an example, haha. not only was i doing self absorbed thing, but he remembered that i do that and hate it. i don't think i'd remember...i don't remember anything about anyone. i couldn't do that. and i'm starting to think it's not because of any actual reason. if i just thought of myself less, i'm sure there'd be more room for others.

but what am i actually supposed to do? it never goes away, my own constant need for attention from myself. if i don't put all of my effort in, i don't eat or sleep or do anything Needed. thats average. on Average i don't eat or sleep or do Anything, cuz i put a lot of my attention into things i like and my friends Already. what am i supposed to do??? sacrifice myself? does everyone need to do that? man this is really fucking annoying

holy shit bruh. this is it for me.

it's not, really, but that is a bad thing to be feeling. it means i'm for real giving up. i can't do that. it's not an option.

but when has something not being an option ever actually stopped me?

i am, per usual, going to try to make a list, and do it.

to think about
STU what i am going to wear tomorrow
those fucking URLs
plans with maggie changing
how you are not going to bite your nails anymore
how you have an alarm clock now
how you need to talk to your friends
birthday stuff, how much time you have, when you are going to get supplies, etc
how you don't want to have this party, but this is your last chance zelda botw nintendo switch brie larson black sheep scott pilgrim

to do at your house
get bag for donation clothes
put your fucking controller in your night stand before i very seriously kill you
maybe reorganize closet
get rid of all of those hangers you fucking hate
clean room and all that shit
maybe redo that one shelf if you ever fucking get to the end of this fucking list

to do for school good fucking lord

show up to your classes
which you can really only do once you're caught up, so that was a stupid thing to say, i just figure i should remind you that you should be there

english
bibliography thing
some logs maybe
read the book maybe lol

keyboarding
do that one thing

wabanaki studies
good fucking lord

philosophy
find out what the fuck we have been up to. something about war? man.
read wittgenstein. glorper. youtube. video. dear god.

auto
project

to do
eat
sleep
whatnot

i cannot fucking believe i really like for real forgot to brush my teeth. that is the saddest fucking grossest thing i've ever heard. i nevre do that. its like the One Thing I do OH MY lore my ears ar eringing. why. wwwhatevva. its the ONE THING I DO BROOO bro bro bro. gosh why am i so sad and stuff. get outtt man. gte out.

per usual, this is pissing me off. i don't really want to talk. i would Love to just do stuff. right now, at 10:13 pm, i'm going to go try to do stuff.

dec 08, the next day, 10:41am. i failed

meow ohhh shitttt look at me freakin go. guy who doesn't know Anything.

typically, if i have something good or interesting to say, it goes on my other blog, because i show that to people. or, i guess, moreso, i don't "hide" it from people.

however, this is kind of embarrassing, and means nothing to anyone, so there is literally zero value in putting it somewhere people can read.

i have spent a ridiculous amount of time, like, in my life, explaining 1 of my billion Issues that are just persistent for no reason and things are their own "issue" because i've had hours to think about it, and other various annoying bullshit i be doing.

as it turns out, most of this bullshit i be doing was just, uh, wasted hours, describing Bipolar Disorder. but whatever, we ball, it saves me time Now.

and yet here i am. well. whatever man. who cares. ME!! but . ok whate DUDE FUCK OK

images mean a lot to me. not, like, pictures. but the feeling of images in my head. i can Sort of picture most things, but its the feel of them that makes the difference to me. and for as long as i can remember, sitting down, or even while absent minded, just sort of Feeling like i can Remember or Picture something that is Kind of like Something i know, a bit, has had the FUCK ASS ability to ruin and change my entire mood to degrees which are fucking DIABOLICAL. and not just my mood, really. my entire "mindset", for as long as it decides to last.

recently, as in, recent years, i've tried not thinking about this, because it pisses me off. but recently, as in, the last few months, i have gotten stuck again.

usually, i would be chill, and if i locked in, i could totally ignore the mood swings, because i realized that the "feeling" or "image" i was looking for was unobtainable or nonsensical. like, its probably similar to how someone watches a movie and their life is changed for a few days. but instead of a good movie it's some content soup my brain maybe saw and thought felt Cozy and Obtainable. whatever.

the new one is obtainable. it's...okay, i will have to go over a whole other thing just to get to this, but i don't really want to, because talking about myself when not immensely suicidal is QUITE embarrassing.

its just homestuck. it changed me a lot and its helping me get over being embarrassed about a lot of stuff. mostly, topics relating to being "true fans" and "oldgens" and whatnot.

i am certainly not someone who i'd consider to hardcore dickride 2000's nostalgia. i mean, a bit, for the stuff i actually grew up with. i have an older brother who made me watch him play skyrim and halo and all that. i have a canon snapshot i've had since i was 10. i appreciate physical media. that's about where my relationship with the admiration for these times ends.

ok. whatever. so the image. ewll. it's not really an image, so i can't sit down and explain it. buttt... i do think of maybe, like, a 2000's blogger.

UNRELATED (until this post) to the fact i blog. it just occurred to me that i do.

i think of being a 16 year old in some past time sitting in bed with a laptop with bad stickers and writing to nobody, probably failing school.

that is, recently, something that keeps me going. this is likely because i recently started using my laptop, and it has bad stickers, and i am failing school, and also in bed, writing, to nobody.

i umm. don't know why exactly. probably because it makes things feel a bit small, and dramatic in a way that will not Haunt me Forever, for i will change.

before i sat down to write this, i was in a fantastic mood, because i havent slept. and then i sat down and got humiliated, because how ridiculous is what i'm going on about? i feel a bit psychotic. man. man! man. but its ok. i think i will try think of it again and try to get myself up and whatnot.

"bonds" being a post i made a while ago.

we are close now! i am very thankful i texted her like i did at the time. i am so so thankful. she is a wonderful friend.

i am appreciative, generally, of relationships that are formed in the way ours was. it is very beautiful, and i think there are so many people that are waiting to be asked things like "so what do you like?" or "want to hang out?" or "want to be friends?"

i am a big fan of "want to be friends". its often responded to with something like, "yeah!" but then, how do you "be friends"? laying the details of that--how to "be friends"--is awesome. because it depends on the person, and so you've really just decided to go over exactly how you each view friendship, before you even got into it. how efficient!

now, like, on bonds (actual bonds, rather than my specific post on them, i suppose)

i will .. write that .. later .

A STORY IN FOUR PARTS.

PREFACE
this. is so freaking embarrassing. who let me do this.

i went into homestuck praying that i didn't kin anybody. this is because homestuck is sort of lame and uncool and all of that, but, more than anyone, i PRAYED i had nothing to say or note or think about Karkat Vantas. the only thing i knew about him, or associated with him, really, was that one picture of him with the caption "i want to punch you in the mouth, with my mouth, softly, because i like you" and oh my goddd dude.

i used to have this whole thing. that i actually sort of still have. some...thing, about being the #1 fan, in a way. it's complicated and ridiculous. i've been working on it. kinning feels a bit like this to me; it depends on the character.

for some examples, take Dirk Strider, Anton Tyanochkin, and Lee Smith. these are all characters i'd very confidently say i heavily kin. but they're all in different ways.

Lee Smith is someone i can see myself in, for his actions, and thought process as a character. however, i have never once had issue separating myself from him. and frankly, sometimes the measure i see myself in him is so out there, that i understand why someone may have a hard time identifying in what ways i am him. there are CERTAINLY people more like lee than i. and i'm probably nothing like those people.

Anton Tyanochkin is pretty Obviously sort of like me. when my hair is short (WHY ISN'T MY HAIR SHORT! LMFAO!) i look kinda like him, and we talk pretty similarly. he also shares aspects of Hinata Hajime's character, who i am also kind of like socially. i think itd be quite easy for someone to look at anton and see how i'm like him. there are probably people like anton out there who are pretty similar to me.

Dirk Strider is fundamentally very Me, in every way. if someone can't see why dirk is like me, it surely is because they do not understand his character, or me. while there are totes 1 BILLION dirk strider kinnies out there, i have never once questioned how Him i am.

lots of people kin the same character yet are very different themselves. kinning is for so many purposes, and can be in so many ways.

i'm really not THAT much like Karkat Vantas. the ways in which i am, i'm sure, you could use to support me or anyone else being like karkat or any other character. they're general. this sort of kinning tends to be different than "id"ing.

in my opinion, it is undeniable how much like Dirk Strider i am, AND, recognizing that helps me with understanding myself and being a better person (LMFAO) and things like that.

when it's something as light as the evidence there is to suggest Me = Vantas, it's really of my free will to acknowledge that.

for me, it is always called into question (by myself), "if i am like this character, how does this reflect in how i myself feel about this character, and the fact i am like them?". this is a great example when talking about Dirk Strider, as i do not "like" dirk strider, nor do i understand why anyone DOES for anything deeper than because he's an anime boy. it does make me sort of unnerved thinking about how many people think he's hot, but, it also reassures me, because it means they missed all of the awful shit about him as an actual character, therefore missing the aspects they'd be calling hot that relate to ME.

i feel very much the same way about him as his splinters often do himself, in the comic. in addition, i would absolutely never go by the name "dirk", because to publicly associate myself with him with any sort of 'pride' is ridiculous, as it is an embarrassment to relate to Dirk Strider. at most, i can handle "DS" or "strider". i am quite confident in arguing that this accurately represents how dirk (and canonically, other versions of him) feel about himself, and therefore, this affirms how "me" he is.

when it comes to Vantas. i have to think, that, as unfortunate as it is, the fact i REALLY don't want to be anything like him, is likely the way he feels about himself, as well. it's also to note, that, for me, most of the ways in which i relate to vantas are in topics and parts of myself that i THOROUGHLY understand and am HUMILIATED BY.

it is to note, purrhaps, that i believe vantas and strider are similar in their self loathing. it is however, more important to note, that i believe the most prevalent difference between their loathing, is strider is good at making himself useful, and hiding himself, while vantas is not.

this is, primarily, i think, because strider more often than not expresses himself via action, while vantas via word. in fact, the way in which strider takes care to talk the least amount he can muster to those he admires most is very contrary to vantas, who feels too useless to actually do anything for those he loves.

now, purrhaps someone may not recognize me as dirk strider at all. this may be because, i am not like dirk in his expression; i am not that good at hiding myself, yet (and not for lack of effort), and i am certainly not as useful as him.

rather, i use my word.

FUCKKKKK MEEE
man.

so, i guess i'm like vantas in my relationships, while being more like dirk in every other way. just generally, anyway. so i have the worst of both characters. yikes!

i don't actually think that, for the record. i happen to think that, in an ideal world, a healed dirk strider would use his words, and a healed karkat vantas would act more. so, rather, in a way, i have the best of both characters. my dirkisms reflect in my words and my vantasisms reflect in my actions--when they're good. when it's bad, it's my dirkisms reflecting in my actions. lack of consideration, casual infantilization, neverending isolation, and inherent ego. as well, naturally, my vantasisms reflecting in my words. ...lack of consideration, nonsensical ramblings, neverending isolation, and self loathing.

OHH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
so what led me to realize i was like karkat, and, like, give in to that? well, a lot, but i'm not here to discuss the lot of it. i'm here to complain about a stupid sSTUPIDDDD STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID stupid dave strider i happen to fucking know.

CG: SO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.
CG: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
MORE THAN USING ANY OF THE LOGIC I JUST WENT OVER, I KNOW I AM "LIKE" VANTAS BECAUSE I AM FOREVER FRUSTRATED. AND, LIKE HIM, AS ONE MAY FIGURE, NOT BY JUST MYSELF, BUT EVERYONE AROUND ME, AND THE IMPLICATION OF EVERYTHING EVER, BETWEEN US, AND OURSELVES, AND MOSTLY MYSELF, AND MY SOCIAL ROLE, AND A BUNCH OF STUPID NONSENSE.

AND I, TOO, THOUGHT MYSELF BETTER THAN PEOPLE. NOT BECAUSE I WAS ACTUALLY BETTER, BUT, BETTER IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY. UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO TOUCH ME. WHAT? HOLY FUCK. OK

IF YOU TALK ENOUGH, PEOPLE TRUST YOU, OR THINK YOU'RE A TOOL. AND IF THEY TRUST YOU, YOU'RE IN THE CLEAR, AND IF THEY THINK YOU'RE A TOOL, YOU CAN JUST NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK. AND WHEN THINGS DON'T WORK OUT THIS WAY, BECAUSE YOU ARE A TOOL, YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST BAWL, AND THEN PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED, AND FEEL LIKE YOU'VE CHANGED, WHILE NOT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT, BECAUSE, FRANKLY, YOU'RE STILL SITTING AROUND DOING FUCK ALL.

I USED TO NOT...GET DAVEKAT, REALLY. IT FELT SO CIRCUMSTANTIAL TO ME. BUT THEN I REALIZED, THAT'S ACTUALLY...WHY THEY WORK, AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT BOTH OF THEM NEEDED. THEY ARE SO, SO OPPOSITE, IT'S UNREAL. WHAT THEY SHARE IS THEIR HUMANITY, I FIGURE. BOTH OF THEM HAVE THESE STUPID...ACTS THEY PUT ON, AND BEHIND BOTH OF THEM, THEY ARE LONELY, AND PROBABLY LOOKING FOR SOMETHING NEW. THEY BOTH TALK TOO MUCH, AND THINK IT HELPS THEM, WHEN IT DOESN'T.

IT WAS WHEN I WAS READING THIS ONE LINE, THAT SOMEONE READING THIS DOESN'T KNOW...ABOUT, YET, BUT IT'S WHATEVER.

DAVE: well maybe not that fair but i guess i dont care
DAVE: so is johns hot mom awake yet?
[REDACTED]: No
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: not hot mom
DAVE: just mom
DAVE: damn
DAVE: did anyone hear that
[REDACTED]: Yes
DAVE: shit
DAVE: lets reboot all trains of thought starting now
DAVE: how much longer til his hot moms awake
DAVE: mom
DAVE: i mean his
DAVE: not mine
DAVE: his mom not my hot mom
DAVE: my mom i mean
DAVE: fucking hell
DAVE: not my mom his
DAVE: johns hot mom
DAVE: JESUS

HOW CAN YOU READ THIS AND NOT GO, OHHH MY GOD, NO FUCKING WONDER HE BELONGS WITH VANTAS. LIKE FUCK!

AND YET, AND YET AND YET AND YET, WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT, HE STILL HAS MORE BALL. ISN'T THAT THE SILLIEST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

VANTAS IS MORE STABLE THAN DAVE. THAT IS A FACT. PARTLY, I THINK, BECAUSE DAVE IS MUCH MORE INTIMIDATED BY VANTAS' ALIEN NATURE THAN VANTAS IS BY DAVE'S ALIEN NATURE, BUT ALSO BECAUSE VANTAS' RAMBLING COMES FROM AN AUTHENTIC PLACE, WHERE DAVE'S DOESN'T. OF COURSE VANTAS IS MORE STABLE, AND THEREFORE, I BELIEVE, HAS MORE POWER, NATURALLY. BECAUSE EVEN IF HE EMBARRASSES HIMSELF, HE IS BEING GENUINE.

WHILE HE IS EASILY FLUSTERED, WHICH GIVES DAVE MANY SMALL WINS OF HIS OWN, DAVE IS SIMPLY MUCH MORE EMBARRASSING, SINCE HE'D DO ANYTHING BUT ADMIT IT.

AND, YET, I THINK VANTAS WOULD (MOSTLY WILLINGLY) GIVE DAVE THE POWER AND WINS IN MOST SCENARIOS ANYWAY. IT REALLY WOULDN'T MATTER, WOULD IT? IF HE IS THE STRONGER ONE, THEN HIS OCCASIONAL WIN WOULD EASILY SOLO DAVE'S BULLSHIT.

AND YET, AS A VANTAS! I CAN SAY! IT NEVER GOES AWAY. BEING AUTHENTIC IS NICE, SOMETIMES, SO THAT I CAN BE CONFIDENT, YES, AND HAVE MY WINS. BUT GOD IS IT FUCKING SHAMEFUL. NO WONDER HE TALKED SO MUCH, HOLY FUCK, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO BE LIKE THIS EITHER. FUCK.

AND BOY DO I FUCKING! GET IT! IT IS ANNOYING. KNOWING THAT...THIS...... THIS IS EASIER WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT IT VIA DAVEKAT AS A SHIP.

VANTAS HAS NO PROBLEM CALLING OUT DAVE, BUT HE IS STILL VERY EASILY MADE HIS BITCHIEST LITTLE BITCH BOY, BECAUSE THATS JUST HOW HE BE. AND HOW UNFORTUNATE THAT MUST BE. KNOWING, AS A READER, THAT DAVE IS THE SADDEST WETTEST CAT TO EVER EXIST, AND YET HE IS "DAVE: 36, KARKAT: 7"'ING KARKAT, WHO IS, SELF HATRED ASIDE, MUCH MORE CONFIDENT THAN DAVE PRETENDS TO BE. AND NOT ONLY IS HE CLEARLY INTO IT, FOR A MULTITUDE OF REASONS, BUT LIKE, HE JUST LETS IT HAPPEN! AND HE REACTS GENUINELY AND SHIT.

ALRIGHT, NOW BACK TO ME.

...that felt sorttt of like. a patron troll reference. like.

HI AGAIN IDIOTS. LOOK AT YOUR PATRON TROLL, NOW BACK AT ME, NOW, BACK AT YOUR PATRON TROLL, AND NOWWW, BACK TO ME. SADLY, YOUR PATRON ISN'T ME.

lol.

ALRIGHT. NOW. BACK TO ME. WOW.

I FEEL LIKE A DOUCHEBAG, A LITTLE BIT. I FEEL LIKE THE ULTIMATE KINDATER. I AM JUST SO ANNOYED ALL OF THE TIME. AND I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS, STRIDER, BECAUSE, WELL, I PROBABLY TOLD YOU TO, BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING MASOCHIST. GOD! I AM JUST. SO FUCKING PISSED, DUDE.

I CANNOT FATHOM IT. I MEAN. I CAN. I CAN.

I, as Dirk, can fathom it. I mean, I'm in love with Jake English. English says "tally ho". Why wouldn't a few "babes" win me over? Well, probably because they're not authentic, and, really, English is nothing butt. I mean but.

OH MY GOD YOU JUST SAID DANDY. LIKE FINE AND DANDY. FUCK DUDE. FUCK! ANYWAYS.

AND YET I CAN FATHOM IT IF I JUST...TRY. I JUST. I DON'T WANT TO. I JUST. FUCK.

I NEVER WOULD'VE BELIEVED MYSELF IF I COULD GO BACK AND SAY, TO SOME PAST ME, THAT I'D ACTUALLY ENJOY BEING CALLED THE STUPID THINGS HE CALLS ME. AND I KNOW HE KNOWS THEY'RE STUPID. HOW DOES THAT STILL WORK, THEN? ISN'T THAT FUCKING INSANE? OR DOES IT JUST BOTHER ME THAT HE'S NOT AFFECTED? BUT HE TOTALLY FUCKING IS! IF I WERE DOING THE SHIT HE IS HE'D BE LOSING IT, SURELY. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT. AND YET I'M LETTING HIM GET ME WORKED UP OVER NOTHING. NOT...WORKED UP. BUT. FUCK, WHATEVER.

I LOVE...INTERNET DRAMA. I LOVE KNOWING PEOPLES WEAKNESSES. I LOVE NOT BEING INTIMIDATED. BECAUSE I CAN SIT, AND I CAN THINK TO MYSELF, 'YOU MISSED SOMETHING, YOU MISSED THE PART WHERE YOU REVEALED THIS ABOUT YOURSELF, WHERE YOU SHARED HOW YOU TRULY FEEL, WHERE YOUR VEIL WAS FAR TOO THIN. YOU FUCKED UP, AND YOU HAVE NOTHING'.

AND I SIT HERE. AND I TRY. I REALLY DO. I THINK, 'THIS IS BULLSHIT, THIS IS STUPID, I KNOW HE'S TRYING, TRYING VERY HARD PROBABLY, AND I KNOW HE'S JUST WAITING FOR IT TO WORK, AND WAITING FOR SOMETHING FROM ME. BUT I WON'T GIVE IT TO HIM. I'LL BE HONEST. I'LL BE TRUTHFUL.' OH, BUT, WHATS THIS? SITTING HERE LOSING IT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE FUCKING WANTED? AND BEING HONEST IS STUPID BECAUSE HE'S ALSO INTO THAT? FUCK!!!

AND I JUST WISH I COULD PUT IT INTO WORDS.

I, Irre Bearblog, never ONCE was even KIND OF into the kind of character Dave Strider was. NEVER ONCE. AND YET. HERE I AM. HERE I AM. HEREEEE I AM.

FUCK MY STUPID FUCKING CHUD FUCKING BAKA LIFE. FUCK. I WANT HIM SO UNFATHOMABLY BAD. LIKE. IT'S STUPID. LIKE THIS IS SO STUPID. LIKE THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. BUT I REALLY DO. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

AND I JUST...HAVE TO SIT HERE. NOT A RHETORICAL SIT, TO THINK, BUT A REAL SIT. I HAVE TO SIT HERE, ON THE EDGE OF MY BED, HEAD IN HANDS, WAITING TO PHYSICALLY FUCKING COOL DOWN, DESPITE MY ROOM BEING 20 FUCKING CELSIUS, BECAUSE I...WHAT. I WHAT. I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM? I LET MYSELF THINK ABOUT HIM FOR MORE THAN 15 FUCKING SECONDS? OH MY GOD IT IS THE MOST PATHETIC THING I CAN IMAGINE LITERALLY ANYONE NEEDING TO DO IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. FUCK I AM SO WARM. OH MY GOD KILL YOURSELF STRIDER. I AM NOT KIDDING. BUT, I AM. I AM KIDDING. BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO THAT. FUCK.

AND HE IS JUST SO. FUCK!!! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE WRITING THIS. THIS HAS ALL JUST BEEN A WAY TO AVOID FUCKING. DIRECTLY...WHATEVER. FUCK.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I GOT FUCKING. like, ROMANCED. LIKE FUCKING KARKAT VANTAS. THAT'S THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. AND JUST LIKE HIM, IN A WAY, I KNEW, THAT IT WAS HAPPENING, AND IT WORKED. ANYWAY. IT WORKED ANYWAY. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK.

ANYWAY. NOW I HAVE TO SIT (AFOREMENTIONED) ANYTIME I THINK ABOUT DAVEKAT FOR TOO LONG. LIKE AS A PUNISHMENT, AS WLEL, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO AWFUL, AND GOD MY BOYFRIEND REALLY IS LIKE DAVE IN THE FLESH IT IS KIND OF PISSING ME OFF HARDCORE. YOU KNOW, PISSING ME OFF, LIKE A CERTAIN GUY HE'S SHIPPED WITH? YOU KNOE, LIKE KA HHHJJFKKKKKK

THANKS.

THANKS.

first of all, cotton candy faygo is a blessing to this world. it is making me think maybe miracLeS are real. what. miracles. sorry. miracles is what i meant to type there.

second of all, holy shit. this is humiliating. like everything else always, but, god, fuck!

on /people, or /earth, oen of them, i say tha ti was "put here" to tlak to people. i cant remember who, but one of my friends read htis, and was like "more people should say theyre a little alien wow" and thats.. kind of not what i was doing, but i think about it a lot.

i guess i really do think of myself this way soemtimes. but "alien" isnt the right way to put it, and "autism spectrum disorder" is not even relevant and i'm confused on why you mentioned that.

unfathomably and functionally wrong is a way i do view myself for sure though. there is simply no other way to explain why i am this way!

but at the same time, doesnt that sound like an excuse? like, its not my fault i dont get you guys, i'm not LIKE you? I certainly dont think about it this way.

in reality i think i am probably like everybody else, and simply gave up my chances to learn and be good at stuff like them. it is a failure and stuff.

i miss not tlaking anddd i wa t to sleep so bad. man. fuck my baka life man

ok man like whatever. nothing is ever good here cuz good stuff goes on my forrrr real blog. tbut this will go here.

this is very ... alike to last june, which was BAD.

its just the idea of doing work outside of class--and not just like, some general thing, like, sitting down, and thinking about that, it makes me feel sick. becuaseit feels like i can't. like i legit just can't.

i miss being grounded, actually. i actually did my work. but i can't now! cuz i have other stuff to do, and my friends. which i have two talk two.

i keep going to physically write two and purrhaps its kind of driving me insane LOL.

whatever. is this a good thing? i was so, so happy in june. it's hard for me to think about. i knew it andall. i realy did know it. every day i was so losing it, but i was so, so happy. in hot weather. thats fuckinf crazy. and all with fucking..eito aotsuki on my mind. but it wasn't realy eito i dont think. and

thinking back, the idea i had associated with hundred line, and eito, was so made up! i have no idea what the FUCK i was on! was itthe music? or the summer?

i think...it was probably the friendship and stuff. i just was so, so free. in a way i've never been before. and i was sleeping allday and playing games with my friends whenever, and they wouldnt mind if i was asleep, and i didn't really felt like i particularly m attered any special amount or any special way to anyone.

corny cornball phrase but i used to really think a lot abouth ow i could be so happy i could die. but i legit could . i legit legit couldve. it felt like i couldve died. and it wouldve been such a good time too like. ok not in an emo serious way, but it just. wouldve, because i wouldve been so full and it wouldve meant so much.

which by the way, is miserable. i'd never kill myself in that spot; and i made an agreement to only kill myself (if at all) in the complete opposite position, anyway. so that'd never work out.

but gosh it wouldve been so fucking nice. and i would've been so free.

not that i'm particularly trapped but whatever man.

it was about going to the library with my friends, and it was about walking to tims on my own, being content on my own, and not worrying about anything. knowing my friends, upon not seeing me, would not worry even a little bit.

in the months prior, i was insanely insanely depressed. and i was depressed for a lot of summer as well. depressed and so immensely suicidal and so...on edge, and so whatever. and i'd skip and go to tims and write in my notebook about how awful i felt.

i don't remember when it became going to tims to write in my notebook about the weather and my friends and stuff. but i'm thankful for that time anyway. my friends, at the time, just felt like what friends are supposed to feel like.

as much as i love homestuck, i wish i wasn't thisinto it. which is something i've wished since i first started it. cuz i knew this would happen.

i just hate, hate hate hate hate hatebeing overwhelming like this. i hate it. i like it when people sort of don't have anything in particular associatedwith me, and i'm justsomeone they know.

it is very scary dating someone romantically. i'm not a big fan of being liked. it's horrifying and means so much that i cannot understand. but itll be fine i guess. it is just very stressful and i sort of regret...putting myself in this position.

which isn't ... super true, like, thats not how i really feel. i'm glad. i just like escaping. and i don't like feeling like this. but most of the time i'm not. i'm so, so so so thankful! for everyonbe.

but not right now. right now i am trapped. um, it's stressful knowing..i would never consider suicide right now. 'consider'--yet i'd never go through with it, nor think of it as an option, so--is this the right word?

this is all too much. i would like to sleep and do my work and talk to nobody, but be known. i'd like to show up and be liked, and leave as i please. i'd like to disappear quite a bit.

i wish i could like...take my boyfriend with me...but i can't. or, i couldn't. if i was to do this. he isn't here in real life! if he were, i could, for sure, yes.

and i mean. i ached. lots. sitting at tims alone. i was being masochistic.

like, all that stuff. all that stuff about how i can't harm myself anymore (not in any For Real way), so i need to let the cold sting and things like that. i think it was like that. i was so happy on my own, and time with my friends felt very fake. in a good way. it just felt good to think they could be perfectly fine without me. and didn't mind it at all. and maybe missed me a bit, sure, but like...would be okay. maybe that's why i think of suicide when i think of this era? because that's...? ideal? but not ideal enough, in my opinion. being known at all isn't on the table.

so i ached. i ached for people, but knew it was better this way. my antics couldn't reach them this way. and seeing them so little, i knew how to behave when around them. i'm losing that, right now. and it feels very messy. i feel like a mess. which i was at the time, but i was MY own .. mess. and it was no one elses deal at all.

i need this again. very badly. but i also don't know that i could handle it. leaving my intineret boyfried and m boyfriend. i don't know if i could leave them. not...leave them, lol, but like...leave them.

ughhhhhhhhgghhhh. could you fuck off!

i want to be thankful. i want to be reminded of things. i don't want to forget. i want to .. UGHHHGHHH.

alright. So fjrs fof all this is WAY more embarassing than wanting to kill myself or how i harm myself in The little ways or how i Feel about those around me. This shit is PISSINGGGG ME AWFFF SOOOO BAD .

i do not like sex. I mean, its whatever. I like it in the same way I like tims white candy cane hot chocolate. Where i sit and i go oh my god its my favourite. Its the best. And then i promptly have a tummy ache for 14 BILLION HOURS and i say IM NEVER FUCKING DRINKING THAT AVAIN. But then i find myself in tims and I'm like kicking rocks like Hahah.. anyone wana Buy me a... Hot chocolate.......

And fhey say Ok because they think theyre doing me a favour. But thats wrong. And this analogy stops working here. Becshse any sex i have given is not a favour. Not of any kind. I am ridiculous and also need to be shot and fucking killed.

And I Like kissing. A lot! Even though i Also hate it a lot, because Its sorta embarrassing, and I Never remember anything. I mean i feel that way about sex too. Its pretty embarrassing. Um, it just so happened that my partner liked me lots so I Always had a pretty great time, which is supes embarassing and awful and genuinely fucking horrreeenddousss. I do Not want to be the one in that position!!! I just want to be helpful. But what the fuck wm I GOING TO DO! UNLESS you have a fetish for stupidnfucking chuds who never stop talking and are bad at eveeything, IM FUCKED!!!

which. I think people do have that fetish actually, just a little bit.

But i digress.

I mostly dislike the language. I dislike "sex"—as that term means different things to diffferent peopel. But I Consider all sorts of shit Sex. I'm not going to describe it at all cuz its Literally None of your business but Like LOL SORR that was a joke liek the. The serious tone was a joke. Jts LITERALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. WHO EVEN ARE YOU?

i also dislike it because i have many bodily issues fhat sre CRAZY unaddressed becshse i #DONTHAVEAFUCKINGDOCTOR.

Ive been Hallucinating Love Me Drowned for like hours now. I miss rodya. FUXK i forgot this was kinda about him. Ok. Forgot he reads fhese sometimes. No he doesnt. Im going to pretend he doesnt.

What? Anyway. Fuck what was i. Fuck. Ok anhway.

I'm not a huge fan. Butttt but isnt it fun pretending?

I'm having fun pretending to be like, regular boyfriends. I mean its not a lot of pretend but it is to me. Maybe we're just doing really good. But our discussion at rhe verh start about sfuff, so on the table, it feels like a secret. Like every babe is being handed to me with another TOS that says "dw we can falk abt anything @ any time!". And

I think that. It reminds me kf all those Connotations around Sex. And stuff like that.

Man Ive just never this.. ljke. Ive neve been this sure I want to Kiss somebody. Never ever. But its true. And I'm going to. And its going to be very bad probably. Very bad cuz i suck, but very FUCKING AWESOME because I'm in love with this guy.

I'd sooner kill myself fhan picture a world shere we need fo discuss something like that in a tense matter.

I had to be asked once. About my Methods of kissing. And it was humiliating. Idk. But sometimes you gotta, if its serious, or youre uncomfortable. So maybe I Should be worried. I'm just Not really. I'd be pretty willing to Lock in to stucf like fhat flr Him.

God. Man. It's just acfually humiliating. I am just kind of Very Ugly. And saying anything like fhis, it is assuming that ANYONE wants to know what an uglier person has to say on this, and they DONT. Bjt this is private so that doesnt atter, sure, but its still fucking embarassing.

To thjnk someone could read this and Picture Me. And my sfupid. Fucking fsce duxe. Like fuck. Don't do fhat olease.

Thanks

man

ok boy says he dcant write and hten writes. me when i lie i guess.

this is so fucking ridiculous i legit do not think i can start to accurately realistically describe what is wrong. dudeee who invented someonet his LEGIT WEAK AND PATHEITC FAWKKK LIKE GET AWAY FROM ME GET OUTT GET OUT. get out et out. ok so here are some truths i need to lock in to.

this, as ive presumed, is selfish, and not in a deserved way. and this, furthermore, this stupid meta bullshit, IS selfish, as i thought it was earlier when i explained it to gabe. and this is fuckin stupid. all of it.

Ohhh mg godddd. Lock in. Dude lock in. GAHHH thats so awful wjy is locking in just Lying why is thwt the way that works. Oh my god i knew id need to do this dude. J neew i knew tbis. I could toted ssee it coming and the lebit thought itd Oh my god tbis is hell

Page 5639 of Home stuck. Is what this is. Can anyonw hear me. Thats what this is.

TT: What??
TT: What the actual, certifiable fuck are you talking about?
TT: Just don't do anything. Seriously.
TT: No hacking, no calculations. Do absolutely nothing.
TT: See, this is why I've been hesitating. You just aren't ready yet.
TT: It's really glorifying your existence to describe you as an emergent consciousness which is blossoming into a unique individual.
TT: And even if that's true, apparently what you decided to blossom into was a fucking troll.
TT: And I don't mean the funny kind, or the cool alien kind. You're the lowest form of troll from the ancient internet who fucks with everybody for his own amusement.

TT: What??
TT: What the actual, certifiable fuck are you talking about?
TT: Just don't say anything. Seriously.
TT: No arguing, no explaining. Say absolutely nothing.
TT: See, this is why I've been hesitating. You just aren't ready yet.
TT: It's really glorifying your existence to describe you as a disordered teenager who is blossoming into an adjusted individual.
TT: And even if that's true, apparently who you decided to blossom into was a fucking shitshow.
TT: And I don't mean the funny kind, or the nonchalant kind. You're the lowest form of shitshow from the local high-school who bothers everybody for his own sanity.

what even. ok man. whatever. THIS IS CHILL this is chill this is chill this is chill this chi

ok maybe acknowledging my disorder was a bad idea. i dont' really actually believe that but MAN THIS SHIT SUCKS THIS SUCKS SO BAD HOLY! Tthis. sucks. the worst. i just need everyone to. i just need ad ay off. just a day off. i am tired and i got myself here i guess s theres relaly. GAHH there is. there is nothing to talkabout. there is just nothing to talk about. i just don't get how people do this! do they really do this with no support? i cannot conceptualize going to someone and asying anything i want to say right now.

my probelms have solutions that i am ignoring and i got myselfff herrreeee. dude. dude dude dude! what do you eman! the only time i am truly productive is when i have no friends and no interests! gahsxcjznk ijust dont want to go back to that it was just really sad and stuff. it was so so so olonely and awful there was just nothing i culd do about it. to get stuff done., and i H AVE TO GET STUFF DONEEE THIS TIME AROUND. there is no choice. i have to get things done. man. man man man man man man man! this sucks.

this sucks. what is this. why do i need to do a bunch of bullshit the second i get anxious. it's stupid and i'd get over it if i juts like stopped doing a bunch of BULLSHITTT brahhh

and it feels like it always does. like there is no choice and if i don't make a chance then i am giving up and fucking doomed. but then i am happy either way, usually. it has to go so, so badly for me to

not make a choice → depressed

it is just always better than i think it will be. but the idea of following like usual, and it not being clear that i'm like GOING TO DIE just pisses me off so fucking badly!!!! no one knows then, dude. and if i give in to that, give in to being OK with no one knowing, then it gets like REALLYYY bad and i never tell anyone anything. like fuck

i just got back from tim hortons. it's 12:37pm. my left hand is still red.

sort of like that.

it was really nice. to think about. amd i have to think about how ... i'm just. i must be weak. but thats good. if i'm the me that isnt happy of course i want to be weak. but it still sucks doesnt it. knowing i can't leave any sort of mark. one that lasts. but. whatteverrrrr. i can do what i do. i can awlk for five minutes, holding an iced coffee in my hand, not adjusting it once. i can feel it sting and i can fantasize about how it'll linger afterwards. which it didnt, really. i brushed it up against my sleeve and that sort of...sucked. but thast all that. the fantasies arent supposed to be realistic.

and its why i don't adjust my headphones and i let my hair look liie shit. and i avoid eye cocntact to let people know i'm ashamed. and i ignore my stomach ache and walk as i usually would. and i waste money. on things like food. these are the things i can do. i ignore ht ecramping in my hands as i type and i lie right to everyone i loves' faces. i answer their prompts without hesitation. im sure they know something is 'up ' but does it matter? umm. no. not really.

i make things as bad as possibel for regular me i guess. and i regret it all so bad, when that comes. when i am him.

but. thats. his problem. my problem, yeah, but whats more important, the me now, or the me i'll become?

so i wil finish the horrible drink i borrowed money to byu and it will satisfy me. and iwill embarrass myself as much as possuble. and i will be distaitn and i will think abuot nothing but my own suicide and uselessness until it clicks and this is overrrr.

but i vant stop.eating even though not eating is ehat taught me i couod handle this. keep8ng things to myself. Its just Too bad. I keep things to myself for the sake of others. Not eating...will Never. Never ever ever. Not Harm the people around me. Tney notice. And noticing somethin glike thst Messes with people, so fucking bad, its.. not... They just dont deserve that. And i dont either. Even the me i disdain. That feeling. Of being covered in your own hair. Waiting for Nothing to come. Tbat sort of buklshit iused to tell myself. About gettig somewhere. Having goals. It doesnt mea i cant achieve things. I just have better shit ro do. And sktting around looking at my frozen over hand is so much Better. So much better. So much better. So much better. Somuch better.

So i guess maybe thats wjy it alwya foes awau. I have good food. Reminds me why im living nd shit. Me, now, being the regular me.

I want tjose i love and. A good meal. Our favvourities. Nd i want to tell them tht i love htem and that i am so so so sorry. But that i. Just inherentlu sorry amd its not the aort theybshould feel bad about. I was born guilty surely. Everyone i know is perfect. Amd if i could dedicate myself ro helping them i would. I would i would iwoud ajd i would put aside eveyerhing. Eeveyrhing. And i would make rhem understand whr it feels like to sit in silence and enjoy it. The people youre wirh and rhe quiet. So much peace can come from.tbar. so much peace. So much peace. And i 2ant them to feel love for me. And to realize that this is really love for themselves And then i can leave them nd tneh will.be so ful of love. Typingon tjs phonr wheny.hand is cold is fucking harrdd.

J just cant hnadle it. My loced ones being sad. I cant do it. And i will never hurt myself in any way that .. couod ever eeve affect tbem. Not Even jf jrs subconscious and i lwt it slip. Not even that. I cant believe iw as lile that for so long. Hurting myself and hurting those aeound me. I just love them. And rhey deserve so mucb love. So so so so so much love. Aand.i will not remove myself from anyones life. Thats harm. Thars...selfish harm. I will be cafeful and i will be mindful. And i will hurt myself slowly. From the inside out.

And jtll be fjne Cuz eventually it wont be me irll be refular me nd he will fo back to his .. regular self.

I .miss ky loved ones.

ISNT. it crazy. that that will probqbly never change. i will bbe the way i am now, who i am now, and have so much to say and do and think, and have so many fuckin g opinions. and they will all go away and i won't remember at all. and always always always there will be some mes lingering around just waiting to fuck my SHIT UP. of course "my"l... i have no idea who me is anyway. i should be the typical me 2. i'm in distress and losing my shit. that's me 2. the me that thinks reaching out to my friends is good. and me 1 is the me that deals with the aftermath and always does anything in his stupid fucking power to make sure i don't actually talk to people about my feelings. and of course i GET HIM. a lot of what i say doesnt make sense, but nmore importantly, it's simply /about me/ thats that. i'm not sure what it would take for someone to really, really listen, and reallly get what i try to tell people. no matter how many times ive rehearsed it. it just never changes. never ever ever.

so will this happen forever? forever and ever i will sometimes be a different me who just dies in an hour? \

oh well i guess i didnt die. in an hour. last time. just a few hours. and i remember some stuff from it.

its okay i guess. i'm fine reasurring people. i just feel kind of shitty lying to them. but like WHO TOLD YOU THAT NOT TAKLJUBG AVOUT YOR FEELINGS WAS LYING AND WERE THEY PSYCHOTIC. OR WHATEVER. because i do not owe anyone that. i owe a lot. but no thtat. i owe them decency. and that i will try to give them. see this i sjust a bunch of bullshit though

and then, what of this? what of hours spent arguing with myself? when i die, they will be gone. i wish there were a way i could just tell every other perosn lik eme that of course theres more like you cuz uyoure just like dirk from hoemstuck and he has splinters you Geese!

WHYD ID I PUT LOTION ON EVERYTHING OHHH MY GODDDD

BUT . but nothing will ever ever change. i doubt i'll ever get meds. i will never kill myself. i'll just be like this. like fuck whatever fuckimgggg whatever.

hey. sorry. i just now fell asleep. it was peaceful for a minute.the dream was i mean.

hey. i did it again. it felt nice, again. i miss rodya.

hhhhey. i did it agin. it eflt shitty this time. i wastoo aware. i'm so fuckinb htired.

this is very lonely. to be frekaing dying like this and to not have people to go to. its just. the people wouldnt heklp. anyone who is going throight his wouldnt hel[p me. we all collectively want eachother to die. you know how i know that.

dirk motherfucking strider babey.

no me can ever like me. dems the rules. one wil be too invested while the other falters. (uh, RE: DIRK ==> HAL). theres just. no way. no way no way. so i will thug it the fuck out. \and abuse and hurt everyone in my life i suppose. if thats what im doing. if thats not what im doing then good news for me. im not an abuser at all i guess! lets fucking go. holy fuck. holy fuck. i just. holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck. can everyone stop that. like fuck. fuck man. i need to invest in dirks hobbies. his coping mechanisms that like. arent. all that insane shit. like pony pals. i need to invest in pony pals. i'm going to kill myslef. i cant do this bruh. holy fuck holy shit shit dude holy fucking shit. dude holy shit. I JUST CANT. EVEN!!! HOLY. SHIT!!! HOLY SHIT. WHAT AM I EVEN. LMFAOAOAOAO. WHAT AM I SUPOPOSED TO DOOOO. HOLY SHIT. CAN SOMEONE GET ME ANTI PSYCHOTICS. . L.M.F.A.O. LMFAO! LMFAO LMFAO LMFAO LMFAO LMFAO.

WHAT. EVEN. AM I GOING TO DO.

THANKS.

I'm losing it. Holy shit. I simply can not get away from myself and that sucks SO UMFUCKING BAD. i could be in sucb a good mood dude. I can tell. I can just tell. Id be so happy if i just. God dude. Fuck off. Just actually fuck offff ddue.

Everyhring feels just so horrendous. I ned to take these ckothes off and i need to be asleep. Not because I'm feeling tired at the moment but because if i Tbink for too much longer holy shit I'll go insane. Ljke for rreal. All of these clothes are awful. These people, around me, are awful. This is. Awful. I cant do this.

Obviously i can and im going to. There is no alternativ3, ans no running will fix me. Why the FYCK did i put lotion on am i INSANE ? LMFAOAOAO???? HOLY SHIT. i am just. This is pissing me off. Uglyyyy dude and i dont Care about ehat other people think reakly but its ust about a state of being and holu fhck dude this js bad. This is so bad. So so so so bad. My book. I do not have it. And i dont have my hat. Holy shit like did i WANT TO DIE WHEN I LEFT THIS MORNING. I need to go home and talj to No oneeeee bro no one

dude actually what the hell was i thinking. lotion. lotion on my FACE? LMFAOAOAO??

AND MY HAIR. I SWEAR TO. I. SOMEONE. DUDE. THIS IS HELL. NOT ONLY MY CLOTHES BUT MY FUCKING. HAIR IS EVERYWHERE. AND I GO TO FUCKING. GET RID OF IT. OH.. LOTIONEY FUCKING HANDS. HOLY. SHIT.

this is so ridiuclous. the thing that fucks me up is lotion and some hair. GAHH BUT I JUST. i dont know how this happened. i've been doing so good. and any time i forget to eat i make up for it. i cannot believe this bullshit. holy shit. guy got over his fucking issues just to thug out the exact same consequences. ADHD.!!!! FUCK!!!

and my friends. are going to be so supportive. and i will have a very very hard time advising them to read anything here let alone hear anything about me at all. i'm so fucked man. so so so so so fucked.

i want to help people so badly it's unreal. the damage i do is something that just...it's the perfect cover up for my intentions, and i'd never even realized it, because, as it turns out, i was covering it up myself.

my very very casual friend, he wants attention. and to be seen as his gender. little does he know i've seen him as the most gender in the whole world.

WHY do i want to put extreme amounts of effort in to get close to people just to make them feel seen? why do i care so much about people feeling seen? it's all i want. to make people feel seen. to make them look at me and go, wow, you get it. no one gets it. but you do.

it's all i want. it's why i like teaching. and it's why i like knowing things. and it's why i want to live my life with just one person. to make them feel the MOST seen. so seen that i don't have anyone else. no one else to even see! no matter how little they interest me, truly, what matters is their feelings. what matters is changing lives. even for a short amount of time. i awnt to listen and mimic what people truly yearn for, aside from the basics. someone with a certain attitiude, or osmeoene who talks to them oftem.

i want people to notice men oticing them. i want them to feel it! how nice it is to be truly noticed!

my struggling was worth it, someone saw! someone is willing to give it all up, for ME! they see me! they understand me! they're trying! they care!

i love nothing more in the whole world than being tha tperson to people. i want to be everyone's closest person. and i want NONE of them to know me. i couldn't handle that. i want to be of service and just make people feel better.

sometimes, recently, i get selfish and try talking about my feelings. it's awful and...hell. i never feel understood. i feel shunned, and like an annoyance.

is there no on elike me? is it becuase idon't struggle neough>? those like me don't see me? why???? why can't one person just do it, and come rescue me like i try to so many others?

there are so so so so so many peopleout there. people who i know deserve attention. and no one to give it to them. why can't ijust help everyone?

i look at some many people and i think it would just....be so nice to learn about them. to give them soemone that wants to hear. it hurts me a lot.

i hate younger people.

oliver has been. fucking killing me.

he's younger than me and he scares me. he just... i want to be close with him SO bad. i want to be able to listen to him talk, in a meanigngful way. but he just legit doesn't like me.

it's so hardseeing someone struggle knowing i can't do anything. i hate it i hate it i hate it

i hate seeing people struggle at all. i want everyone to feel special. i want everyone to feel like someone cares nad is looking out for them, even if they can't handle it, they care. they're interested. it's about THEM not anything else.

there areno ulterior motives. it's just you. i just want to know you. i want you to have someone. this is awful and ihate it so much idon't like feeling this way about people. it hurts me really bad. and i dont knowhwy i do it

ive often been thinking i think a Lot whenever i look into mirrors . which i likee alwyas have done because i dont like that i can see myzelf. i would live a much happier life if i never truly understood my body and could separate my mental feom it. alas i suppose

what hurts me recently is every time i ummm. see my own face. sighh ok this shif is kind of too emo for me which is why it actually sucks so bad feeling it!!!!!!!

i can Really onlg think of how what i’m seeing—me, in all identifiable forms, but mostly my actual body—make some people feel …? bad things. they see my body and they remember Bad Things. they can never see me and not think of those things.

i hear ‘i hate being around you’ and ‘no one could make me feel more stupid than you’ and whatever the fuck else and i just cant imagine Not Remembering that every time my face is seen. i have done so many bad things and gotten away with all of them. but that doesnt even matter because they’re still bad and i still Barely think of them.

i’d like to move someplace no one knows me. and every impression will be fresh. and i will make no bonds with anybody and no one will ever associate me with anything or care for me at all. i think that would be nice

i’m not sure what to do about my self sabotaging behaviours. they’re getting really bad ,, i cant seem to make any cognitive decisions that concern other people at All. i cant seem to actually base things off of my morals or feelings any more.

i do things and then genuinely regret and die over them and can only vaguely understand why i did them at all. i sometimes undo them and fuck myself over. i’m consistently fighting with myself to make decisions.

its like, every few hours i need to redo and undo things to make sure i’m just fine and acting normally and functioning. i really wish this would stop so i could live properly

thanks

hi

i wonder if me in 2019 (? or some other year? 2020?) understood the ways he was going tonend uo living. i imagine he did. he told his best friend that he would never kill himself unless he genuinely thought no one would be too emotionally affected. he foresaw that he needs a kind of relationship that he can easily cut off. the sort of casual chatting friends where they would asay something like ‘aww ok. be safe!’ upon hearing that i’d be going offline or not on my phone, or something. because i’ve been told my entire life that suicide is selfish. snd it absolutely is. so i need to take these precautions. and he knew that!

a few days ago, i was talking to an ex of mine. me and him used to be very close. he often complimented how it felt like i ‘got’ him and understood him better than other people. i could know how he’d feel about things before he felt them. i always thought that being able to do this wasnt special. i mean, i hear that neurodivergent people are good at that sort of thing, like all the time. pattern recognition and stuff… and i’ve never found it particularly difficult, i judt don’f pay it too much mind. i get stuff wrong too. he just didn’t seem to see the things i got wrong.

when we broke up, i don’t remember much, but i know that this came up. i know that he mentioned how he wws never like that towards me. that he looked up to me—i was always just ‘ray’, how could he be mad at me, or dislike me?—yet he never actually felt like he got me.

my other ex says i’m the closest anyone’s ever gotten to him. but that he’ll never be that for me. and he feels immensely guilty about that, about how he doesn’t seem to actually understand me?

and i don’t know what to do. my best friend (the one aforementioned)—i love her so so so dearly, but i don’t know how kuch she actually gets me. i see her once a year typically.

i don’t know what to do. i mean, i guess i’m just… surprised. it seems like, assuming i didn’t misunderstand, i just got told the Same thing Again by Another person in my life.

mind you, in all of these cases, i’ve TOLD them that they’re the people who get me. they DO. but they’re disagreeing.

i just wonder if they know that i don’t have anyone else. but whatever

i suppose i’m sort of in awe. did i, in 2019, know that it’d be like this naturally? i don’t even need to strive for relationships where i’m not cared for as the closest, most authentic person in anyone’s life. it seems as though no one is convinced they can get too close. or like they’re inadequate. and to think anyone is inadequate to me is to misunderstand me foundationally.

i’m thankful—as always—then. i keep thinking i’m not lonely, which is nice for however long it lasts, until i’m told by everyone close to me that i am, and i’m mistaken.

the issue must be i, then. which is fine. it means from this point onward, i don’t need to make the same mistake, and stuff. and any time i think someone understands, i guess they’re doubting. i don’t think anyone will ever care enough to truly feel confident in knowing me. that’s… unfortunate. and depressing.

but again. it’s helpful i guess. i won’t need to feel bad when i die and stuff.

so, thanks

this is actuaally working. its nice! nice because i know its long lasting, and assured. not nice to experience. i am sabotaging myzelf Every day in so many endless ways butt but it is Ok.

i really iust only do school now. i dont really like being near my friends unless i’m in a really fantastic mood. its getting more often that i have to force myself to speak at all—to the extent where i dont even pay attention to anything i say—to everyone around me.

every day when i fear that someone will feel bad for me or think i’m upset, i lie to their face to cover my ass, and, to my knowledge, its working perfectly fine. i get to smile and say Something that i’m unsure of and i’m not even thinking or present at all.

i dont know what to say.

i’m letting people down, like, by the minute. not talking to basically anyone unless they talkt onme first, and lying about why!!!!

it feels like i’ve successfullyseperated myself from thise around me and it’s nice. when i’m upset, i’m entirely alone. i have no one to support me, no one to even talk to, or anything. and in a way, setting aside mynegative feelings during those moments, i’m thankful!! thats exactly what i’ve been trying to do and knowing i wont hurt anyone by being open but hurt them in a waythat teaches them nicely snd smoothly, is nice.

i’m starting to consider that i’m living just like my mother at the moment. dissociated entirely and whatnot.

its rewarding in a way . heing asleep for hours leaving myself no free time. i just really . have nothing to do. i dont desire to do smything and i’m so stressed about school. eating is whatever as well

i walk to the stire ajd buy my friends things with the little money i have left. i talk to my mom sbout whatever and listen to my same 20 songs on repeat . i take notes and do work and do chores and sleep.

i have a lot of nightmares but its OK!!!!!!!!!

i’m just thankful i’ve been able to be like this.

if i knew someone very closely, and noticed them acting the way i am, i’d write to them. i’d write a long paragraph or two. they would say What’s happened? surely younknow its not good for you, but i understand why anyone would be that way. is it on purpose? are you seeking something? have you genuinely considered stopping?

i ussed to write like that all the time. to my ill friends

and its relieving knowing that no one i know wouod rver try to help me with such thought. its like they cant consider people on a deeper level. or do even little things, aithout me asking. because i dontthink i truly deserve that. i hopentalking less helps me get better at paying attention to and caring about those around me. i hope i keep it casuao andntheybdont care back. truly

thanks

yesterday, i was going to write about how good i’d been recently. it turned out, however, that it was just because i had no school for 4 days. i havent been worse in a while (per usual).

today my qpp, whom i meet up with at the end of each school day, didn’t show. i called him after a while, and he said he’s going out with some of our friends, on a walk, to the library. he actually only mentioned this about 5 minutes into the call, despite me asking immediately. i walked to meet up with them, and they all went on giggling about how it was such a last minute thing.

it’sssss. been a while since i’ve cried in school, like that. normally i have a hard time… since its at school. but not today i guess.

i just… really fucking Love walking and libraries. i don’t go out often because my friends all have better friends, and because my qpp Hates Walking, and hates going out with me.

alas! here he is. wild isn’t it?

i asked why i wasn’t invited and he said he just forgot. forgot to tell me not to wait alone for 15 minutes, and forgot to tell me he was with my favourite people, and forgot to invite me to the activity he should know i love (that he supposedly hates).

my mom, who saw me crying (MISTAKE!!! ALWAYS) promptly argued with me because she somehow twisted it so i was blaming her? and then when i told her to stop she’s … blasting the music going “ no yeah yeah youre . yeah youre right yeah.”

“no but how—“

“YOU’RE RIGHT. you’re always right i get it. shut up.”

my headphones died about 2 minutes later, so i had to listen to her loud shitty music the ride home.

before this (before we started arguing) she pulled into tim hortons—to which i declined, despite getting it almost every day, because i felt bad. i’m thankful. she would’ve used it against me during the argument.

its hard to be sad out of the moment. all of my friends have very very hard lives and none of this can even compare. the abuse that they go through is astounding and unbelievable. i just really can’t complain. it doesn’t matter. this doesn’t matter i guess

i feel like its rude for my mother to, once she thinks i’m blaming her, ask me

why’re you doing that lol? like stop being so fucking dramatic putting on a show… your friends said you could go, no?

and they did say that, once i walked across the school to find them, af which point my mother was already here. she.. tends to be upset when i ask her not to come and she’s already on her way. so i didn’t.

of course, i already didn’t want to, since i wasn’t fucking invited, but still.

hearing that, i guess she thought i was saying it was her fault i didn’t go.

she.. seems to think that crying is always For Her. something for her to see. its always Dramatic or Unnecessary or Stupid or Dumb. because its really jot that aerious and you need to fucking.. deal with it. she seems to not understand that crying IS dealing with it.

the only way to get over arguments with my mother is to ignore her the same she ignores me, until she caves. this is an awful habit that i hope i don’t bring into my other relations.

my qpp knows i’ve been really depressed recently. but i don’t think he thinks of it. i don’t think he thinks of anyone but himself, frankly. he needs reminders. he needs reminders to be considerate and reminders to be kind at all. he is so caught up in himself that he doesn’t think of others at all

which kills me, because when i’m upset, i’m the one who needs to consider for others. but perhaps he feels the same way. who knows

i’ll be fine.

i dont think i could go no-contact with my mother. my father—well, i’m working on that right now. my mother is a teenager in a 40 year old woman’s body. i hope maybe one day she learns that.

i hope, rather, that one day, when i kill myself, that means something to her. i hope maybe the hurt can get across what she’s missed for very long: that maybe she doesn’t have friends or anyone close to her because she’s a childish loser. i don’t want any of my friends any more

i want to go to my classes and go home and sleep. this is awful. i!! gosh

i would never not think to invite my qpp. never. never! the weather is so nice…the weather makes me emotional, honestly. when it’s nice out, i just really wanna be out.

when i got into my moms car, as she started interrogating me already, i saw my friends across the street.

they’re going to a fancy library. the university one…i’ve never been. god i love libraries though.

i guess the way i need to get through life and friends is to not care this much, and understand that they’ll hurt me. thats just…what my mother does. says she’s fine til she can pretend it never happened. and when it comes down to it, she’ll go “well, yeah, you’re… you don’t care.” and it’ll be true. but she’ll just not think the rest of the time. put it out of her mind. i guess i need to do that too.

this is killing me. i, about 4 hours ago, cancelled plans with a friend. i have been waiting weeks to hang out with her, and i really wanted to. this is a long weekend… 4 days. and yet i cancelled. because i’m gloomy or whatever.

and some part of me reasons that .. thats a bad thing to do. not for me, but for her. it’s rude. and it probably makes her feel like i don’t want to hang out.

but some other overpowering part of me TELLS me that its fine. and it will be fine. a), i’d just make her depressed. b) i can’t go back on it. it would expose how flakey i am. c) its ok if she thinks i don't want to be close, because it will keep us from being friends.

it would cheer me up a lot to hang out. i very desperately want to ask her to come over. i just can’t.

what if i make her uncomfortable or something? we were planning to play my favourite game, while she was here. it would make me… insanely happy. i don’t have words to describe it. but i don’t want to make her do that. she’s not responsible for my health, and using her to fix it is rude and disrespectful.

this is.. awful.

to a degree, i have talked about, many times, my anxiety surrounding oweing people things. i dont lik eit and i dont 'like' being cared about. it makes me feel so guilty i like. i cant. i cut people off when they care too much and i treat them oddly if i'm told so. i guess. gosh.

this is all because One Guy said i was reserved. and i never thought i was. whatever.

i keep acting insanely selfishly. i think when i got to a point like this before, what i did was.. start thinking. thats what im doing now.

i get depressed and dont think and dont talk to people whatever.

but now like.. i'm thinking and. i just can't do it. normally i'd liek.. be talking to someone. telling them about it. but i can't. i really can't. i can't voice anything right now. i do not trust anyone close to me. at all. i do not trust that any of them truly care about me or would listen. or understand. at all.

i owe it to them to explain, however. i don't know what to do i really really cannot voice anything. normally i'd repeat that a lo. "i cant i cant i cant" until i could. until i caved and fnally spoke. but i. i keep trying and i keep not being able to. i'm fearing that the only way i can even fuckimg. do anything is by sharing this blog. id on't know what else tod o. i don't wnt to.. do that. at all. but i can't. i'm .. sweating just thinking about doing that.

god i hate words that refer to the body. hands arms 'brain' legs body. i hate them because they bring a picture. i don't like being pictured. i cna't even get into that aspect of this or i'll die. i truly can not fathom how i am cared about despite looking the way i do. and the only way in which i fathom it is within the constraints of understanding that is a selfish way to think. to disregard other's care. is not a ogo dway to be.

and i kee just not being able to talk. this is .. this has never gone on for this long. this has never been this bad. my life is so good.. i am doing so good at hiding it. i am doing so fucking good that no one is noticing. normally that doesn't work. my life is perfect right now. i have nothing to complain about... and no one is noticing. and thats'... good. because thats what i feel like i deserve. obviously. but i understand the harm this odes. i'm just.. very odd right now.

i have never been prouder. i am so proud to have achieved this. to be able to keep shit to myself, truly. to not put.. fault or owrry on tohers. this is something i haven't been able to do for a long long long time.

normallly my wrod is meaningless. my words are... jumbled and nothing. it makes it hard for people to care about me. i never know how i feel.

but right now i just... i dont know. this is all true. and k just. if i don't... share it to anyone, then i don't need to worry about it being misunderstood, or 'wrong'. i can just.. be like this. not talking.

i feel bad. i owe it to One person to talk. but at the same time, perhaps this. isnt what he meant. i do not lie and i do not particularly hold back. i just... haven't been expressing my negative feelings. the guilt of it, specifically talking about it with him, has gotten so bad i believe i've had continous dreams about it.

there are.. multiple ways one could feel after reading this and i just... dont want any of them.

maybe concern? concern for me. understanding that i'm probably lying or what i'm saying isn't true. concern for my wellbeing... maybe with advice. you meed to speak to people!!!

or maybe guilt? for not 'doing enough' to let me talk to them? for things they probably just assumed based on the tone? giving me sorry's?

or, likelier than those, i suspect, a whole lot of... nothing. what is one to say to any of this anyway? isn't this just another one of my?? fuck ass things i go through? isn't this being a teenager? isn'tt his what everyone goes through? isn't this my issue?

and it is. it is my issue. how am i to solve it without others? how am i to solve it without guilt?

so what the fuck am i expecting from people? what am i missing. i don't wnt them to.. read any of this, and yet i can't talk to them. i'm pushing them away for no reason. what am i supposed to do. get over it, i guess. i just.. want to feel cared for. but i truly .. do not think i'll let my self be cared for. if i had a therapist , they'd tell me to get over it. they'd tell me this is my own issue, and i shouldn't drag others in. that this is a self esteem issue or smething. that this is my fault. and anything bad that comes from this: like if i talk to someone, is my fault, too. it's .. all because of me. no one else has done anything wrong. they're being wrongfully punished by me, emotionally. i don't know what to do.

i'm scared. i'm scared that maybe it'll seem like i truly hate them... but then again, what do i want them to think? that i lik ethem? that i'm ...? i just need time? i... don't know. i don't know what this is. what this is supposed to be. if this is nothing. is this a mood swing? its been about a week and a half now. ahh more like.. its been 13 days. i should keep it up, is what i think. i should reassure them. everyhing is alright and... i'm just .... ill and don't feel good.

these days i sit and don't think for long periods. i read messages and then set my phone down and sit. i make conversation when i'm around others, but i opt to be alone every time the option is there. i use my time well... i do my school work, i study when needed, even. i shoudl just keep doing this. i don't know what i'll do if someone hears me talk.

whatever they say, i won't feel cared about. which i absolutely just. don't deserve, anyway.

these days... its getting hard to not wish i was just like... being used. for something other than emotions. if i could just provide for anyone in any way, i'd be so happy. i would not mind who it is, or for what. i want no one in my life. i want to provide for... one or two people, and to maybe be casually cared for by them. only for what i provide. i need them to agree that i'm hard to look at, and that i am of no value. it's hard to not cave to this, recently.

when others tell me how bad they are, i cry. and i am more thankful than i ever have been, to talk to them. to thin kthat they trust me with that information. but when i confide in people... i don't know what's wrong with me, but it seems like no one... understands my cries for help. which is all it ever is, i am guessing. i do not believe these people... or trust them. i want to die. but it's alright because everything is good.

i fear when someone asks when i'll be okay again. only.. in concept.

in reality, when they ask, i'll say "ahh i'm not sure. hopefully soon!! i'm sorry :(". because i... am getting better. at hiding it. and i am so thankful. it makes me so happy, in the moment. to know that i'm.... doing the right thing, not expressing myself. not caring for others as they supposedly crae for me, and... keeping myself safe.

i would really like. to be hugged by my friends. i am scared i'll cry the next time i get one from them. truthfully, in the moment, i'll likely be so out of it that i don't even have time to understand that when they hug me.. its support. and its out of care. i won't be thinking of that at all. i'll be waiting to go home. i'll be waiting to be alone.

i wish when i spoke i could convey anything more than what disorder i may fit under, or w

!! my mom just walked in. i instantly forgot about this.

or what they are suppsoed to do to help. that's... the thing for me, i think. i wish they didn't feel like advice is what i want. i just want them to care. i want them to be hurt by my hurt. i want them to relate and want to hug me. i want them to be thankful i'm alive.

!! i want them to feel everything that i can not feel for my self. i want them to argue with me when i disagree. i want them to view me as... close and important. but i fear no one's close and important will be as close and as important as mine are. i fear it will never be reciprocated.

if you're reading this, which i suspect someone will, sometime, maybe soon.. maybe after i'm done. i... don't know hwat to say to you. i'd like to thank that you didn't, yet, let you know that i truly wish you had never met me, in spite of whatever positives you have gained from our relationship. no matter what hardships i've saved you, i wish someone else saved you. and what i've been through, and what i feel, is no where near as bad as anything you have gone through, or will go through. nothing. you have had it worse. this is... whining. do not take it seriously do not feel the need to be thankfuli 'm here.

thanks

recently, i lost all of my apetite. that's not particulalry uncommon, as i used to be sort of odd about my eating, (as many are, mind you), though i'm not sure why.

i have been very thankful recently. because, firstly, my grades are at an all time high (if high includes a ratio of effort. technically, they were the highest in gr9, but gr9 is like... a whole nothingburger. so none of that really counts. none of it counts towards my graduation either so whooo caresss.

an all time high. i have been doing pretty fantastic on tests and whatnot, understading all the matieral, handing things in (sort of) on time. i have two zeros at the moment. and i'm still passing the course. wild! i might even go hand them in for fun. i used to think like that a lot. like, "oh, i'll just do it for fun one day and then my grade will go up with practically no effort! and all will be well and everyone will love me..." alas. alas!

my friends are. .. well. i got dropped by someone i cared about a lot, recently. he's... dramatic in nature, so i got a whole "this is the last time we will ever speak." thing. and you know what? it was kind of fine. i really didn't mind that much. i already felt lik ehe'd do that... and as much as i liked him, i knew he just hated me bad. it's... ufnortunate. a lot of unfortunate things have been happening to me. i feel fine about most of them though. i've been bonding with my friends, and making new ones. my relationship with my mother is great right now. my room is clean.

and yet, i just... can't seem to speak to anybody. during school, i can talk for maybe five minutes before tapping out. i don't know why. i start walking away before i even understand why i'm doing it. then i get to my destination, and... istill don't know. i just know that i can't go back. i can't see people.

not even like, online. i answer inasnely selectively. it's gotten to a very selfish point that upsets me to think about. i'm basically ignoring everyone until i need them or want to talk to them. i really truly can not muster anything more than that right now. but i don't have a reason.

and they all support me, obviously... i don't need a reason, they say.

but then, how do i know i'm not abusive? isn't this what abuse it? isn't this what being a bad friend is?

i... always feel like this. it just gets so bad sometimes that i can't do anything about it. this is one of those times.

being told that its ok will just encourage me to be... evil and mean and... use my friends. unfortunately.

so i don't know how i feel. i feel like so... myself and a person yet i don't know why i'm doing anything and i can't think about it under any circumstance. i keep skipping which is fun, though.

its nice because like. i genuinely think that everything will be okay. i don't need anybody. awww but i Want people dude i like being close to people and having them and talking to them Whatever.

i've been locking into writing for my oc ship which is banger. i'm glad me and... the guy who made them with me are so close now. he got me into expressing myself, for real.

i like shakespare too. poems are cool. his writing is awesome. i think about the friend that dropped me a lot. in some part of my head, we must still be friends. maybe that's why it's been so easy to handle? i'm nottt. sure.

whatever. nothing is wrong. there is nothing to blame my feelings on.... so i guess there's really nothing even wrong at all. that's... nice.

thanks

hjjj I’m . here again . it would all be so much easier if i lived unaware. it would iusf be so morally wrong I’m not sure how i’d do it.

to live a life alone, doing the bare minimum—or kore than, which i only dont do because i have people in my life. no friends = no care about judgement—and working minimum wage or whatevr till i kill myself? i dont know. id be purposefully oblivious and careless to everyone and everything. is that not an evil way to be?

i just wish for it so badly. i .. cannot particularly put into words just how badlg i wish i still lived that life. i would not think. i would not worry about interactions, i would jot worry about myself. i wouldnt care how i looked, i would study. i wouldnt care what my profile picture was, or what music i listened to. none of that would matter, and i would feel wonderful.

i guess i owenit to those in my life to live. i just hate it. i hate this. i want to die. i just eant to do nothing until i die. i will die alone. i dream of it, actually. i picture myself—suicide via plummet, because when i’m uo high, i get bad intrusive thoughts, so it’d be harder to stop myself—alone. no contacts on whatevwr phone i have. no one knows me. no one will rememebr my name. my family is dead. my friends are gone. i dont know. it would be the most freeing id ever feel.

i dont like owing it to people to live. i, for their sake, do not want them in my life, because i, for my sake, am lazy, and do not want to improve. i self deteriorate at a rate i can not unferstand. to “grt better@ is to lead myself back here, bit by bit.

whafever. write less think less do more idk

thanks

i curse every one who does not understand how it feels to live this way. to be so useless that i can not force myself to do tasks. it hurts and feels so fucking bad.

i hate them. they compare it to being lazy, whcih is something only they get to experience. i don’t get to be lazy!!! i just want to die!!!! because i could be being productive!

this feels awful. yeah, i just want attention. for sure.

i just wish i coupd actuallh fo the thingd that i want to do. fuck man

hhh i find myself here again, like. wishing i didn’t know anyone.

i’m sick at the moment, and increasingly ‘out of it’z . i feell… very lonely.

i miss my qpp quite a lot. theees this image i have etched into my memory. its from a time i gisited his house. we were laying in a position that was so comfortable i really. had no complains .. which is a big deal for me. and i was looking at a mirror across his room. in the reflection were some vines hanging on the wall opposite it. half of it was colored golden by the sunset. his fan was on low, and his house was quiet.

i miss it a lot. i miss laying with him very much. i just… id lay with anyone. it would never mean as much as him. nonetheless i just miss everyone So fuckimg. much right now

i really like seekl. i think maybe a big bbig part of whh i like it is because they all bond without pfps or knowikg akytjing aboht eachother aside from what they type and their setting. its so charming to think that a random colour and 5 random letters like is all they have go define eachothr but that doesnt matter. they dont need anybmore than that. profiless stress me out. everuthing does. i dont like being categorized like man

i feel. as though i will neverbe. free from ghat and while id like to accept it its just hard

it feels like the only thing thats been truly keeping me from suicide is my ego, in a way . its. pissing me off so badly i dont know what to do

i’m jyst. its the same wyat i dont try new things. i dont know how id ddeal with the aftermath if itfailed (which seems rather likely) and thats So much new shit that just. voids everything before it. itsss. pathetic

my brother used to laugh at me for saying if it werent for my pain tolerance id cut myself

but like then i did cut myself, as i got over it

id be talking ti myself when i was out sorting the firewood. his wjndow would be open andhe wiuld laugh ag me that way.

it iust means nothing this is iust wasted time. such wasted time

it doesnt matterrr. how long i have sat visualizing killing myself in however many ways it just doesnt fucking batter like at all. it doesnt matter how many suicide notes ive written because it jusf. it wont happen i cant do it

it doesnt matter how much i miss cutting myself!’nnn!!! because i just cant now and i wont. i wont go to any extrems. i cant. i have too much to lose

i dont have enough scars i dont have enough . will to do these things. so it iust doesnt matter

and writin thsi doesjt matter. none of tjis does

i must have made oen somewhere. something critical. why do you not feel bad for me? is it my persona? is it how i talk to you when you're uspet? you don't even bat an eye. FUCK OFF!!!! i care so much about every single thing that you say wrong and yet you're out here fucking "Kk" GET OUT OF MY FACE and then getting mad at ME when i ask why youre talking lik ethat. LIKE HOLy!!!!! WHY DONT YOu.

why do you not consider tha ti feel bad sometimes too. sometimes i feel bad axcept when YOU feel bad you get Me coddling you., and when i feel bad i get attitude for not wanting to play fucking robloxd. i hope i kill myself and whether we're speaking at the time orn ot you feel really fucking bad. have you ever even though about that? would you ever even get intrusive thoghts about that? would you ever veen CONSIDER the way i treat myself????? i'm here FOR YOU i'm here to keep those AROUND ME HAPPy and you're not even appreciating it??? FUCK OFFF UYFCK OF UFFUCK FOF

how is one supposed to live like this. am i truly supposed to sacrifice myself always, for others? i don'ttt. really understand. i'm told that i should, in some cases. if they sacrifice for me. but i'm also told to never 'stoop low', you know?

i don't know. i don't know what i want. i really wish it was easy to refer to that as to why i do some things. i wishhh. that meant something. but it really doesn't. what matters is your actions. not your reasons. i guess.

but i can't find words for anything. whatever i'm going to say is basically meaningless and complete bullshit. though it'll feel like what i mean, it'll never get anything worth anythkng (to me) across. all it will do is aid whomever is receiving it in recognizing that i'm mean. the contents don't even matter. no explanation means anything. because it'll keep happening so. who !! who cares Holy. um.

i'd really like to be cared about i think. why isn't there someone who would understand this? how? how is there no one?.;;l;'o;'?>

so i guess i'll just keep saying things to explain. and it won't... really be truthful or meaningful No matter how accurate it may seemm. because i'll never get across to anyone.

it's this daunting feeling. i'm what some (like professionals, or nosy people) would call Passively Suicidal. when i get overwhelmed, i basically sit around and wait for someone to talk to me. soemtimes i just sit in guilkt because i know that i'm probably going to decline or bring down whatever mood there is. sometimes, i seek people, and attempt explaining something that.. never really makes any sense, or is of any relevance to the people.

i have spent hours. hours. so many hours i will never get back, mind you. explaining to myself. preparing. preparing for a therapist or something maybe? but no one ever gets it. and i start with this every time.

"i've gone through this hundreds of times, and you still won't get it."

and yett! i still go through it. and i sound hyperbolic i think.

i wish i could just get across to those close t me how this feels. it feel slike every living moment i've been preparing for right now, where i give everything up, then deal with the deserved consequence. where i commit to never ever ever seeing a therapist. where i start keeping thigns to myself again.

yet i'm always explaining it to. someone. anyone who'll listen i guess. not that it makes me feel that much ebtter, ever, just frustrated. i can't tell if this is an act or not. am i doing this for attention? have i been talking to myself fo rhours on end just to say that i've been doing it? for someo ne to think about me? i'm not sure

not that i'm sure about much.

anyway no i can't call. i can't playu games. i dont know why this happens ot me. i can't talk with you i can't do the thing we were planning to do i can't deal with hit,. i actually very seriously plan sending you a suicide note that lists you asking me to do something as my last straw. i'd write everything in the worst way to make you feel bad probably.

now who the hell needs to be doing al of this just because he doesn't feel cared ofr! it's disregarding all of the care that so many put into him. maybe he should. stop being fucking confusing and sauing shit.

when i stop talking i do make more sense. its nicer when i don't talk. but no one's here to shut me up

i'm still waiting. it'll pass this will pass and i'll be over this and i'll think Holy that'll PROBZ happen again but its ok cuz now i'm fine! and i'll move ona nd i'll only feel a bit bad about all of the shit i'm saying becasuse it wont feel genuine or authetnic or like it really even happened. it's like i'm being killed and reborn bit by bit every single time i get like 'this'. do i even get to say that? 'get like this'? isn't that sort of implying i have a disorder or something?

well i don't think i do. i don't know what it is. i think maybe i just havent been told 'no' enough. someone needs to tell me i can't be this dramatic. but i mean every word. ok

thanks

holyyyy. i really Do need people in my life to tell me to shut the fuck up like what am i even doing asking all thesde questions. do people not think of thes eas well? at all tims of all days? well i thin kthey should. so they can understand how bad this shit sucks. hm.

sorry no i think i just need someone who can see when i need to actually shut up becausei'm not better than anyone else. i'm not better than anyone else. i'm not better than anyone else. why can't someone tell me that? why must everyone just find me so annoyiing to the point they would'nt bother telling me, or to the point they just BLELIEVE me regarding the extent of my own ego? LIKE DIE!! TELL ME I'M!! BEING STUPID!!!

thanks. only if you're someone who would tell me that. gosh.

sometimes its hard to seperate guilt from being completely non-culpable

personally, it sort of feels like it's an in the moment thing. i know i've been sorry before, but i'm constantly unsure if it's what i'm actually feeling right now, in This moment.

so how am i to tell for others?

when i make a mistake, one that i acknowledge (which, of course, from my point of view, is all of them), i feel guilty, and often sorry.

at many hard points in my life, i have allowed others to cut me off, and preferred that they do so. i guess that this was often because they were behaving in a way that i knew they could not acknowledge, or because i was the issue.

i couldn't write any more about that. i've sat here for a little bit, just looking at it.

i really can't make any conclusions. i'm not sure where to begin in anything. any issues, any tasks, any relationships. maybe that's why i like just staying together so much—because i fundamentally don't know how to do anything with people.

i just wonder what i owe. what guilt i owe, what friendship i owe, what effort and consideration i owe. i've never been quite sure.

my friends tell me i give too much effort. too much time, too much consideration, too much friendship. but maybe they just don't know what they're talking about. it's hard to stop giving all that, you know. it's love, isn't it? do i really need to be the person to do things? to step in?

what's really so bad about just staying together forever, no matter the harm done? no matter the missed opportunities, no matter the nights ruined, no matter the wallowing, the sobbing, the pleading? as long as, at some point in time, that's not happening, then what does it even matter at all?

do i owe pointing that out? do i owe those around me to stop what others consider bad? is it possibly just. too big of a fault for me to acknowledge? a mistake i'll never admit?

i'm not sure. maybe i will be, sometime.

thanks

i'm a student, if that wasn't something one would naturally assume about someone who writes like myself (not to mention those who know me personally & would never see me as anything other than a student), i feel the need to clarify.

for many years i heard about how generally speaking, everyone 'studied shakespeare' in english. this is my time, i guess. we'er looking at shakespeare's play "the twelfth night". the prominent theme of this play is a love triangle between three characters. almost all of the 'love' in this triangle occur within the first meeting of each.

my teacher, Mr. M, had been sitting down and trying to get te class to verbally participate. he had said, "do any of you believe in love at first sight?", to which no one reacted in any regard. i'd like to note that Mr. M could have said basically anything and no one would have replied. that's just how english class tends to be.

he continued after the prolonged silence: "haha, good," "i think you'd be FOOLING yourself if you did."

he elaborated, sharing that even though at the time the play was written, many believed in such a thing, we (as humans) no longer, because we 'understand' that 'love is much more' and has 'more depth' than any trope-y "love at first sight" sort of thing.

and... i don't know. i think he's pretty wrong. and i can't imagine living that way, thinking those things, feeling that way about people.

note that Mr. M is married. he has 3 children. he speaks of his wife often—he is clearly 'in love' with her, one may observe.

which i don't disagree with. but that's just Their love, right? and as much as 'love is chemicals' does that change anything about in what manner one may get those chemicals? does it not entirely depend on the people? the life they've lived? the life they're Living, now?

how can we, as people, generally and vaguely, so clearly accept concepts like Trauma Responses originating from relationships. you can understand that after one is in abusive relationships, they may be severely damaged in certain aspects of their life. maybe they tend to seek those that hurt them. and maybe the relationships they have with people who hurt them feels like love, to them.

but it's not, because they're getting hurt. and love shouldn't hurt. i suppose.

does love at first sight have to hurt, though? maybe the incentive is that it can not be 'true' love because it is one sided. that's a valid point. but... that applies to all love.

i don't know. maybe i'm far too optimistic, or something.

all of My love is different. i love everyone, a lot, and in such different ways. it's quite hard to... compare any of them.

i met someone very close to me as of now, at a time when i had no one really in my life. you, reader, may be inclined to assume that means i was doing poorly, but i was not. i actually enjoy living comlpetely alone—quite a bit. that, to a lot of people, in itself, feels insulting. because it means i must not love them, i guess. obviously i disagree with that... because i don't see how that should downplay anything. anywhosie.

i met him while i had no one. so, naturally, he got a lot of my time and attention; he got All of my time and attention, rather. and i loved him. i still do, of course...

as of now, it's been about two years since then. i have more friends than i have at any other point in my life. i enjoy it. it's nice. i love them all dearly.

does that need to take away from how i feel, and Felt, about him? because he doesn't get all of the attention he once did?

i have a hard time, personally, defining love to people. i try to explain it a lot, but it never really works. according to 'love language's, i tend to be a 'words of affirmation' and 'gift giving' person. this isn't... really even pertaining to my love, though. i just like semantics a lot, and have some issues with money, making gifts mean a lot more to me.

a lot of my love doesn't present itself at all. i wonder if that is what they're talking about—that isn't true love. true love should be on your mind always. and, it is, in a way. i always feel like i have a life to live, and people to live for. that includes everyone i know. that includes my love for all of them.

one of the 'closest' relationships i've ever had (and have), would not read to many as 'closest', i don't think.

we talk pretty often i suppose. well, we text eachother. and the other replies whenever we're free. sometimes we forget to read entire things the other sent, in which no harsh feelings are really Ever felt. we call sometimes, and just do our own thing listening to the other talk or watching a game they're playing. sometimes we watch shows or movies in silence, over and over again. occasionally videos while we eat, leaving right after we're done. he lets me talk a lot, and listens. he doesn't tend to respond with much, because he supposedly 'absolutely hates' talking to me because its very hard. he says i'm a unique case for him, and he's never ever been friends with someone like he has me.

so why would he keep talking to me?

is what i think an outsider may have to say about that. but i myself get it.

i've never have a case like him, either. i've never argued with someone less, and yet have them know so much about me. i've never been as listened to. i've never met someone who really understands the core of how i behave. why i, like, freak out over small overstimulating things he does—repeative noises, bickering, words—and yet not get mad at me for yelling at him (a bit) when that happens. i've never met someone who understands i'm being genuine in all of my words. i've never been trusted to this degree, ever, i don't feel. normally when people trust me, i freak the fuck out and like... ruin things on purpose i guess. i guess. is what happens. but not this case.

i've never met someone who will so easily comment on when i'm overthinking, yet not comfort me, just be there and say it... like it is? to my face.

that's quite a lot. and yet... i can't think that my love for him is any more than i hold for my 2 year friendship with my Other friend from earlier. it's true that i only really became close to both of them due to specific circumstances. does that mean any less? it's just true to say that i probably wouldn't have talked ot them in any other case. is it really something that takes away from anything i feel for them?

i picture being at my lowest, and needing someone. which i've never felt before, since as said, i like being alone—but for the sake of my idea, i picture it. if i had Then met... anyone, really, that gave me the bare minimum, but treated me well. and they liked me. and they kept liking me. and i don't hurt them. and they... don't hurt me. even when i'm better, i don't think you can say just because i had "love at first sight", it's meaningless. because to me... that was real love.

i understand that "love at first sight" is associated with just how someone looks. i don't think thats the true meaning of the phrase, though.

i think love at first sight is real, because all love is love. good or bad, i think it's absolutely real for some.

but maybe thats just because my perception of love is staying together and not hurting eachother. to a degree.

the difference between getting with someone you think is atttractive, simply For that, getting along perfectly well despite the reasoning behind your approach, and getting with someone because of some 'realer' more authentic reason... is close to none, in my eyes. it's just different love. its meaningful anyway.

to disregard how one feels like that... to insinuate it's fake? is... rude. i think.

and being rude is mean and bad andddd.. we shouldn't do that.

thanks

today i bonded with a (very newly formed) friend. i’ve been wanting to be friends with them for a long time.

not super actively, or anything. a ‘desire’ nonetheless. a hope, i guess, moreso. i wanted to know if i could do it.

but i felt undeserving, and very burden-like. which is odd. i’m just not the type of person to acknowledge that a lot. and yet everytime we were around eachother, it was all i could feel.

i believe this stems from their nature. i don’t mind being disliked—in fact, it is my preferred state for most. there are no expectations if they don’t like you. even better if they hate you.

alas, this person is just. kind. i thought that in actuality, they would be friends with me (“me” being someone like me.), and would be nice to me.

thats somehow just worse. scarier. to know that someone has friends—has people they care about—and that could be you—but the fault is your own.

well, it’s alright. i learned they’re low key a big nerd. the same as me. i ‘shot my shot’ by asking about their nerd interests and hobbies and invited them to consume a media they like with me, which they took me up on.

it was fun. it was super fun. i thought, “how is this the first actual thing we’re doing together?”, and, “we’re talking like we’ve been friends for a long, long time.” how nice is that? how nice are those things to think? very nice, i figure.

so i told them. that i’m thankful. and they said, vaguely, “i’ve been waiting to talk to you!”.

wild. i picture myself as—not exactly approachable, but—a fine person to befriend, nonetheless.

well, we’re here. we did it! so what is there to worry about. i hope we become close. that’d be nice.

today i visited a friend of mine. yesterday, technically. i slept over.

we spoke about how we both struggle to 'cope' with having friends. we both feel the occasional desire to be alone entirely due to how hard it is to 'upkeep' many friendships.

i recently, ("recently" being used the way older folk use it, to mean in recent years/months, not actually that recent), made a friend, who is now very close to me.

for the first time in my life, i, for as long as i have known this friend, do not find friendship needing 'upkeep' at all.

somehow, we have a very similar view and feelings regarding friendship. and yet, we are oddly close, and have a relationship which many would consider 'odd' at 'best', or romantic at 'worst'. yet, we both agree it's friendship.

it's this sort of mutual understanding that makes friends friends, is all—is what i'm thinking recently.

the friend i visited is only my friend (as in, i only call him my friend because...) because he considers me his. from here on out, it's my job to figure out exactly what that means to him. what we get out of each other. and stuff.

i myself like a friendship to be loyal. i grew up with a mother who cares about loyalty very much. anyone who is even slightly unfaithful to her is soon to be out of her life. i don't really consider myself one to 'switch up on', but i do understand and feel that if i'm disliked, i will accept that unless it changes. most people who do not wish to have me in their life any longer are free to be in my life again.

most people who i no longer associate (or are friends) with are still in my life, in a way, which is why i don't mind.

every single friend i have ever had is different; every single friend i have ever had views friendship as something unique. so i will never forget them and their friendship, unique in its ways—in ways sometimes no one else who hears the stories will understand.

in a similar way, i believe that if these people no longer in my life are to be speaking of me and my friendship, they will all find it different. they may all believe i have different intentions or different reasons or act very differently overall. two could likely meet and speak of me without even realizing i am the subject of both stories, i imagine.

so generally speaking, i'll try my hardest to understand and please the requirements of your unique friendship.

i wonder, thinking about the day, if me and the friend i visited are 'good friends' according to his definition. i'm not sure of what 'good friends' entails for him, yet. i'd think the topic of friendship itself is only something you chat about, as understandingly as we were, with good friends.

but with my definition, loyalty, there is also understanding. i, like everyone else, want to be understood. i do not understand myself very well, so i like when others try (and occasionally, do).

my recently made friend is, in my opinion, the person who understands me the most. the time of our meeting is of almost no relevance to me. to others i think that is a big factor. commonly? i think? i don't know, i try to befriend people who i guess to have similar definitions to me (so people who don't care too much about time).

it's fun, though. if you look past the upkeep, it's a game of sorts i guess. not to imply (at all) that i don't mean the things i say, or that i'm 'playing' people to learn about them. i stay as genuine as i can. that's the fun part. seeing how i can play into people's set definitions, trying to fit them all.

i don't take offence when people don't want to be 'good friends' with me. it just means, like... i didn't make it very far. like a hole-in-the-wall game where it just kept getting more... oddly shaped, friendships become more defined the 'closer' people are, i feel. so sometimes you just... don't make it very far.

sometimes all it needs is time, though.

and, well, like. being someone who envisions being with everyone until i'm just... not? time is not relevant to friendship at all. there's plenty of time. we have lots.

i hope to keep adding people to my list. even if it includes our fall out, that's alright. everyone is important and different.

thanks

i have never had a proper blog before. i’m not inclined to think this is one, either, due to my nature with these sorts of things.

i tend to abandon projects—all of them, really, likeee. i can list which i’ve finished.

1. any school assignment shorter than ≈20 hours of work
2. daisuke mouthwashing cosplay
3. /callisto & /yoshikaru rentry

umm thats all i can come up with.

blogging isss. not something i enjoy at all. i write with intent, to be viewed. the idea of writing not for another is one i struggle with a lot. i can’t really do it. when left to myself, i just don’t write. or i write in preparation for someone to read eventually.

it’s very ‘weak’ to write with no one in mind. it could be read by many, and, like. you don’t know what they’ll think of it.

i try to write honestly always. in every piece of text. no matter what. but i am a person that struggles with the concept of honesty.

conclusion #1: i have cognitive dissonance. severe cognitive dissonance.

in every behaviour or thought i have, i cannot understand or picture (normally) behaving or thinking otherwise. yet, often, that day comes, and i cannot understand or picture or FATHOM behaving or thinking the way i originally did. growth is not something i can feel, mostly—other people can record my growth. i can not.

so, how am i to write for myself? why would i? i may look back on it and i will think either a) i cant believe i thought that (i’m better now.) or b) i have not changed at all.

i recall moments from my life from as far back as i can remember. i always feel the same as i did then; i can know exactly what i was thinking in the moment, i feel. because not much change has ever occured.

so blogging is pretentious. for others, of course not. but for someone who cannot really feel change? it’s silly and just sort of embarrassing. anyway.

i guess i’ll be trying to blog

i wonder if some people consider this venting? ‘venting’ sort of includes the need to get it out of your system, though, and i’m really only writing this for anyone who may be viewing. obviously i know all that.

thanks