log 14
ok, here is the problem. the new problem. of many, ok, but the newest one. get off my ass
i have an identity. i am a person, and i like it. being a person is nice, when i am alone. but then, other people, right? whats up with them? they see me, and who i am impacts the way they view me. not so much a fan of this. how am i to understand people when i am a person?
the less someone sees me, the more i see them. that's nice. that's sick as fuck. and it's probably why i talk to so many people who really don't care about me at all. that, and, you know, i love a bit too much, or whatever.
i am sort of jealous. of all these people. and their identities. they know themselves. and they are me. they are so me! but i like, don't be expressing myself, because i like people too much. that's kind of sad. kind of very sad. but i just can't help it. i'd rather be no one than be hated!
so how do you get over that? how do i get over this? it just feels so self centered. to be someone, and then talk to new people, being someone. you're all like, Oh look at me I'm me. what about them??? so much more important. what if i'm expressing myself more than them? then how do i know them? how will i ever know them? if i'm more me than i am them? uhhhhggjhh! why!
and you know! you can be yourself without expressing yourself. this is, thankfully, always an option. then, if need be, you can be known. you'll exist when looked at. that's nice. that's really nice. oh but man man man its just FUN to express yourself. it's fun and i am starting to fear that if i don'ttt do this for myself, then, well, i'll never be happy!
but can that really make me happier than other people can? i'm not so sure.
i for sure imagine that this will change a bit when i am older. time will certainly add a lot of certainty to my being. and, of course, the more people i meet, the less i'll want to. which is ridiculous, cuz there's so many people i haven't met, but, that's just the way it's gonna go.