"love at first sight"
i'm a student, if that wasn't something one would naturally assume about someone who writes like myself (not to mention those who know me personally & would never see me as anything other than a student), i feel the need to clarify.
for many years i heard about how generally speaking, everyone 'studied shakespeare' in english. this is my time, i guess. we'er looking at shakespeare's play "the twelfth night". the prominent theme of this play is a love triangle between three characters. almost all of the 'love' in this triangle occur within the first meeting of each.
my teacher, Mr. M, had been sitting down and trying to get te class to verbally participate. he had said, "do any of you believe in love at first sight?", to which no one reacted in any regard. i'd like to note that Mr. M could have said basically anything and no one would have replied. that's just how english class tends to be.
he continued after the prolonged silence: "haha, good," "i think you'd be FOOLING yourself if you did."
he elaborated, sharing that even though at the time the play was written, many believed in such a thing, we (as humans) no longer, because we 'understand' that 'love is much more' and has 'more depth' than any trope-y "love at first sight" sort of thing.
and... i don't know. i think he's pretty wrong. and i can't imagine living that way, thinking those things, feeling that way about people.
note that Mr. M is married. he has 3 children. he speaks of his wife often—he is clearly 'in love' with her, one may observe.
which i don't disagree with. but that's just Their love, right? and as much as 'love is chemicals' does that change anything about in what manner one may get those chemicals? does it not entirely depend on the people? the life they've lived? the life they're Living, now?
how can we, as people, generally and vaguely, so clearly accept concepts like Trauma Responses originating from relationships. you can understand that after one is in abusive relationships, they may be severely damaged in certain aspects of their life. maybe they tend to seek those that hurt them. and maybe the relationships they have with people who hurt them feels like love, to them.
but it's not, because they're getting hurt. and love shouldn't hurt. i suppose.
does love at first sight have to hurt, though? maybe the incentive is that it can not be 'true' love because it is one sided. that's a valid point. but... that applies to all love.
i don't know. maybe i'm far too optimistic, or something.
all of My love is different. i love everyone, a lot, and in such different ways. it's quite hard to... compare any of them.
i met someone very close to me as of now, at a time when i had no one really in my life. you, reader, may be inclined to assume that means i was doing poorly, but i was not. i actually enjoy living comlpetely alone—quite a bit. that, to a lot of people, in itself, feels insulting. because it means i must not love them, i guess. obviously i disagree with that... because i don't see how that should downplay anything. anywhosie.
i met him while i had no one. so, naturally, he got a lot of my time and attention; he got All of my time and attention, rather. and i loved him. i still do, of course...
as of now, it's been about two years since then. i have more friends than i have at any other point in my life. i enjoy it. it's nice. i love them all dearly.
does that need to take away from how i feel, and Felt, about him? because he doesn't get all of the attention he once did?
i have a hard time, personally, defining love to people. i try to explain it a lot, but it never really works. according to 'love language's, i tend to be a 'words of affirmation' and 'gift giving' person. this isn't... really even pertaining to my love, though. i just like semantics a lot, and have some issues with money, making gifts mean a lot more to me.
a lot of my love doesn't present itself at all. i wonder if that is what they're talking about—that isn't true love. true love should be on your mind always. and, it is, in a way. i always feel like i have a life to live, and people to live for. that includes everyone i know. that includes my love for all of them.
one of the 'closest' relationships i've ever had (and have), would not read to many as 'closest', i don't think.
we talk pretty often i suppose. well, we text eachother. and the other replies whenever we're free. sometimes we forget to read entire things the other sent, in which no harsh feelings are really Ever felt. we call sometimes, and just do our own thing listening to the other talk or watching a game they're playing. sometimes we watch shows or movies in silence, over and over again. occasionally videos while we eat, leaving right after we're done. he lets me talk a lot, and listens. he doesn't tend to respond with much, because he supposedly 'absolutely hates' talking to me because its very hard. he says i'm a unique case for him, and he's never ever been friends with someone like he has me.
so why would he keep talking to me?
is what i think an outsider may have to say about that. but i myself get it.
i've never have a case like him, either. i've never argued with someone less, and yet have them know so much about me. i've never been as listened to. i've never met someone who really understands the core of how i behave. why i, like, freak out over small overstimulating things he does—repeative noises, bickering, words—and yet not get mad at me for yelling at him (a bit) when that happens. i've never met someone who understands i'm being genuine in all of my words. i've never been trusted to this degree, ever, i don't feel. normally when people trust me, i freak the fuck out and like... ruin things on purpose i guess. i guess. is what happens. but not this case.
i've never met someone who will so easily comment on when i'm overthinking, yet not comfort me, just be there and say it... like it is? to my face.
that's quite a lot. and yet... i can't think that my love for him is any more than i hold for my 2 year friendship with my Other friend from earlier. it's true that i only really became close to both of them due to specific circumstances. does that mean any less? it's just true to say that i probably wouldn't have talked ot them in any other case. is it really something that takes away from anything i feel for them?
i picture being at my lowest, and needing someone. which i've never felt before, since as said, i like being alone—but for the sake of my idea, i picture it. if i had Then met... anyone, really, that gave me the bare minimum, but treated me well. and they liked me. and they kept liking me. and i don't hurt them. and they... don't hurt me. even when i'm better, i don't think you can say just because i had "love at first sight", it's meaningless. because to me... that was real love.
i understand that "love at first sight" is associated with just how someone looks. i don't think thats the true meaning of the phrase, though.
i think love at first sight is real, because all love is love. good or bad, i think it's absolutely real for some.
but maybe thats just because my perception of love is staying together and not hurting eachother. to a degree.
the difference between getting with someone you think is atttractive, simply For that, getting along perfectly well despite the reasoning behind your approach, and getting with someone because of some 'realer' more authentic reason... is close to none, in my eyes. it's just different love. its meaningful anyway.
to disregard how one feels like that... to insinuate it's fake? is... rude. i think.
and being rude is mean and bad andddd.. we shouldn't do that.
thanks