DAYDREAMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
uh oh! uh oh!!! uh oh!. uh oh. how did it take me so long to fucking. think about it like this?
it seems that i'm not All Here at all. i've always liked thinking i am, but i've always Known there was something wrong about it. when someone comes to me looking for advice on complicated subjects, i make up whatever i can to convince them. that is how philosophy works, i think. you can argue anything. that's what i do. i argue and argue and argue until it doesn't matter anymore.
i dream of so much. so muchh thattt. i have rarely put into word, because no one else needs to know. no one needs to understand why i like not knowing certain things, and why i need to know other things. no one needs to know where i want to die.
hal-con was one of these places that i dreamed of. i never thought i'd be there. i really didn't. i wonder if i'll ever really get to go back. i was...unfathomably manic. i wouldn't think of it that way, really, but i was just um...ecstatic. i've never been that happy in my entire life. i mean, um...i feel that happy, sometimes, but it's just when dreaming. day dreaming i mean. remembering things like that place, and the others i wonder about.
i didn't think it was real. i didn't think it could be done. i still don't, for my many other dreams, but if it's been done once before, maybe there's some truth to them?
i am not unique. i need to find out what the fuck i'm talking about, so i can learn if its possible, if i'm just delusional.
the first time i tried explaining this was when i was around 11 years old. i was talking to an internet friend, standing outside.
i don't know how to get it across.
one of these dreams comes to me when i am outside at night. or, used to, laying on the pavement...now there are many for the outdoors.
when i got broken up with, i didn't fully understand. i liked the unknowing, and the stress, quite a lot. it was a dream come true, like, literally. um...not the way the phrase is meant to be used, but the way i use it. my dreams. my untouchable concepts that iiii. that i wait for. it was like that, in real life. there was so much...it was just like an actual dream.
but! it wasn't, for him, i guess. it was just a relationship, and he did not like it. that's perfectly fair, how could i blame him for living in real life?
i didn't understand until now that this is where the issue stemmed from, my dreams. i don't know how to talk about this.
there's a dream i come back to a lot, using this animatic, or just the song.
one of my summer dreams. skipping class, knowing my friends will join me, being alone, observing, being hot, getting changed in a public washroom, not caring about my hair, having money, loving somebody, being thought of, knowing later will come, keeping an eye on the time. that is how i try recreating it. and it mostly works...thanks to Hundred Line, actually! the routes remind me what it's like to be so much at once, and Eito, too...he is just so much, and he thinks so big. like what i think of when shuake comes to mind.
how am i going to do it? spend a life time talking to people who do not think this way? i have so many dreams that will die. jesus christ. i want to try living one again. i want to live one of the train ones, or one of the city ones—with the windows...
"dating"...there are so many dreams about this! so many ideas, and feelings, between two parties...if sharing dreams was possible, dating would be the most incredible thing in the world. i imagine this is why some people don't communicate. so they can live out their own dreams.
while cheating on your partner, meeting up in a special place, you are living a dream. i think that's a common one. or maybe travelling the world at random? but i think dreams involving others are risky, and extremely rewarding. this is miserable. but it's...OK. i am young, and many of my dreams are plausible. i'm living some right now. they're great. they keep me going. they are why i am alive.
i miss hal-con so much. i lived so much more i thought i ever could, because the details were real. in dreams, i lose them, and remember the feelings, but those things were real. i ran into a store, in cosplay, before we got to the hotel, and i bought some stuff i needed. i finished a prop on the way there, and it was so fun out...