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okay. first of all, fuck this, this is so ridiculous. it forever will be. there are so many words, and semantics is so.. the semantics are vast. very vast. and i just talk SO much and it all means nothing. these words can all mean so much. how am i still going? like, how do i still have so much to say? surely i'll be done, some day. or at least get a bit more fucking efficient with it, gooood lordrd!!!
uughf.. ok. here are my topics, so i do not forget. hopefully i will not get tired of writing. 1. being consistent 2. social/anti
okay. i don't know what to do. i am... gosh, fuck thisssffsss. letme get the quote.
To know someone, to get to like someone, to get to dislike someone, to enjoy being with someone, to hate being with someone, to hold hands with someone, to hug someone, to pass someone by. That’s what it means to live. When you’re all on your own, you don’t know who you are. The people I like and dislike are who I am. The people I enjoy being with and the people I hate being with are who I am. Those connections are mine. They define my life as uniquely mine. I know I have feelings because of everyone around me. I know I have a body because other people can touch me. Those connections give me shape. I am alive here. I am alive now. That’s what it means for someone to live—just as you and I have chosen to be alive here and now.
i am the people i am around. i am the people i like. i am the people who know me. i am, thanks to them. i just feel so bad leaving them. i rarely take issue with not being somebody For Others, because it is a pleasure to talk to people, to hear from people. it didn't even occur to me until, what, 3 years ago now? (jesus,) that maybe i should like to be somebody. that maybe it's not great that people view me as distant to them. but, like, distant...that's the easiest person to talk to, right? but! the idea got in my head.
and now i care about being somebody! which is annoying and fuuuckkinggg sucks. these troubles aside, i have simply never been able to pass up a chance to hear people. being someone who is told things (even if i won't remember those things, which the chances aren't really in my favour regarding...) is just a great person to be. it feels nice. and it is so, so hard to! tooo. not listen! to not know things, and not hear about people. but it happens. because cool interesting people typically like other cool interesting people. and as kind as they tend to be, they're not here to entertain me. which SUCKS! cuz why NOT!
this is why, for so long, i took pride in being someone people came to, naturally. cuz its freakin embarrassing wanting to know somebody. so i suppose, looking at it now, it does make sense i liked being in a place where i did no work, to be told people's stories, to be told things that haven't been told before. and it must be why i love asking questions.
of course, my questions tend to relate back to me. how else would i...come up with them, right? but the truth is sometimes i really do come up with bullshit just to hear people talk. i like doing that, coming up with things for specific people, making it special. even MORE special. being told things is always special. genuinely being trusted with anything is always so so special. that is the fun in it.
i love people. i love them so much. i acknowledge, right now, for the first time in writing (that i can recall, anyway), that this "love" is perhaps not good enough. that thanks to my dismissive nature, i am doing bad to people, the ones i love. i, however, am not going to think too hard about that. it will not go away, i don't think, so i'm better off just trying to be better in specific ways. there is no real alternative for me, anyway -- either way, i actually have been trying to be around people less. not just for my own selfish purposes, depression ands tuff, but as to not 'use' them just cuz i like them.
from my point of view, it just must be bad to think of "people" this way. it is supposed to be more individual, i suppose. which it is, for me. i love everyone i know individually, as much work as it is for me to even remember who everybody is. unfortunately i am too busy brooding and remembering the way they affect my worldview, and who they are overall, to remember their names.
this is all to say, it is hard for me to ignore people. to not jump at a chance to be there where somebody isnt. even if they never know. i'd like to think, that, if they ever think (for even a second) -- "maybe someone is listening. maybe someone is watching. maybe someone cared, just a bit", they'd be right. and i'd have it covered. and maybe, then, the chances of them believing this would be higher?
i need to stop talking to so many people, is the issue. is my issue.
from an outsiders point of view,,, i wonder. i don't actually talk to many people in a day. but i could. and they tend to be online. and i care, and wait, just in case. what i need to do is get off the internet. for sets amount of time, i need to be unavailable. i need to actually take time to myself, which is something i have quite literally never done.
never ever ever have i thought to stop talking to people to properly enjoy myself, or even really rest. a few times, i didn't speak to people, to read, last year. but that was about it.
but i need to. i just have to. for so many reasons. mostly...because i want to be educated. wait, that actually covers both fields. okay, i have one reason, basically. i want to educate myself.
i want to pass school, and i want to start reading books. i know nothing about ANYTHING. i am educated only in social convention, and baiting people. which is great! which is so great, i love being ok at that. but, lord, i know nothing. i am kind of stupid. and i like learning. i especially like sharing my learning. so i need to get the fuck offff the internet.
and by internet! i really mean discord. its just discord. i just need to get off discord.
but GOD!! i can't do it. i just can't do it! there is so much on there. and i will lose so many people. my one THING is that i am there. i am there to listen. because i love it so much and shit, i just always am. so if i'm not THERE. if i'm not there, and i'm a nobody, well! fuck! the hell am i supposed to do with that! or, what is everybody ELSE going to do with that?
so, then, which is more important? my education, or my people?
these people are not actually very close to me. nonetheless, i will miss them more than anything in the whole Actual world. and what i could learn, if i just STARTED, i mean...there's everything. books have everything. there is everything to learn. everything that will change me, and...it won't take fucking up interpersonal relationships to learn some of these lessons. thats how i feel, sort of -- i reinvented bipolar because i didn't bother just learning about my documented behaviours.
we are all the same, right? everything i feel, someone has felt it before. i would understand what to do so much better, if i just read. i may actually be somebody.
i would like to know so so so so much i think. and i need to start splitting this stuff Up, because there is no way to have both. i think, though, that my education will forever define me (as it has so far). my education in the sense of how i speak about what i know, and what i think, with others. i do wonder if i will ever get over fully identifying myself. nonetheless, i am sure that when i start spending time alone, i willlll...have an easier time staying away from people. and i am sure people will still like me. i will. probably mourn the lost moments though. you just get to see and hear SO much -- when you're right there.
okay. it has been maybe 20 minutes. i think i am confident. mostly. somewhat confident, i guess, in my ways -- my original ways, i mean. my want to hear people. i just think of people who only ever read. i mean, they can say so much, but they don't understand the simple stuff, the clear flaw in their words, the way they hurt, or disregard, or idealize. that stuff is only easy to see when you talk to people. even i have a hard time with it, but, i'd like to think i'm not too bad at the big picture...so it's not particularly bad to listen to people. even if i went my entire life uneducated. i'd still have met so many people, seen so many. and that's just! what it's all about.
not to say my interest in what everyone before me thought isn't there. it is what drives me. just Under meeting every body of course.