CRAZY
ISNT. it crazy. that that will probqbly never change. i will bbe the way i am now, who i am now, and have so much to say and do and think, and have so many fuckin g opinions. and they will all go away and i won't remember at all. and always always always there will be some mes lingering around just waiting to fuck my SHIT UP. of course "my"l... i have no idea who me is anyway. i should be the typical me 2. i'm in distress and losing my shit. that's me 2. the me that thinks reaching out to my friends is good. and me 1 is the me that deals with the aftermath and always does anything in his stupid fucking power to make sure i don't actually talk to people about my feelings. and of course i GET HIM. a lot of what i say doesnt make sense, but nmore importantly, it's simply /about me/ thats that. i'm not sure what it would take for someone to really, really listen, and reallly get what i try to tell people. no matter how many times ive rehearsed it. it just never changes. never ever ever.
so will this happen forever? forever and ever i will sometimes be a different me who just dies in an hour? \
oh well i guess i didnt die. in an hour. last time. just a few hours. and i remember some stuff from it.
its okay i guess. i'm fine reasurring people. i just feel kind of shitty lying to them. but like WHO TOLD YOU THAT NOT TAKLJUBG AVOUT YOR FEELINGS WAS LYING AND WERE THEY PSYCHOTIC. OR WHATEVER. because i do not owe anyone that. i owe a lot. but no thtat. i owe them decency. and that i will try to give them. see this i sjust a bunch of bullshit though
and then, what of this? what of hours spent arguing with myself? when i die, they will be gone. i wish there were a way i could just tell every other perosn lik eme that of course theres more like you cuz uyoure just like dirk from hoemstuck and he has splinters you Geese!
WHYD ID I PUT LOTION ON EVERYTHING OHHH MY GODDDD
BUT . but nothing will ever ever change. i doubt i'll ever get meds. i will never kill myself. i'll just be like this. like fuck whatever fuckimgggg whatever.
hey. sorry. i just now fell asleep. it was peaceful for a minute.the dream was i mean.
hey. i did it again. it felt nice, again. i miss rodya.
hhhhey. i did it agin. it eflt shitty this time. i wastoo aware. i'm so fuckinb htired.