Alright
what do i sayat this point!!! i just don't know. it is day by day again. it is so hard! i can only think of a few things at once, max. whats up wtih that. i can't remember anything, so...so what do i even "know" at any given moment? whatever my brain lets me i guess?
seeing suicidal characters is so hard! so hard. not that it matters. none of this matters because i am not bad at all. and i will not kill myself. i will Not. Kill myself.
but oh my god. i'm so jealous. i've Been Happy. like recently! recently, numerous times, i've been so happy. happy in a way that measn something because i don't hate myself during htose moments. "hate myself" is a term i'm using for your (reader) understanding, but its more than that, obviously. i just don't love myself. and loving yourself is...something you have to do, to reallly, really be happy. you have to feel loved. by yourself at least, and maybe others. and i've been loved by others, recently. its felt great. for a long, long time, i made sure no one loved me--not in any way i internalized. i guess probably just to make sure i wsa never happy. but recently i've given in, and it's been great. to feel loved. it really has. to be loved and therefore happy.
but it doesn't compare. it doesn't compare to how much i can give if i just stop caring! about everytyhing!! because it's so much. i can be who people need. i can be who i need to for those i love. and its so hard! its so hard. i just want to cry. its so hard to see fucking Fictional Characters living my DREAM!!! my dream!!!!!!!!!!. that i will NEVER get to live!!!!!!!!!!!! i will live out my entire life without ever being as happy as i know i could. i will never understand.
i don't wanna be bad again. i don't want to do this all again. i want to trust people. its just so difficult for NO REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its so easy to give myself up for people. its just so easy. and i can keep them all!! from myself! and i'm sure thats wrong. i'm so sure thats wrong. of course it is. it's inconsiderate of their true wishes. their true wishes are for me to do better and to be happy. i'm sure. and the more you do what i'm talking about wanting to do, the more these people who truly want the best for me Give Up. no one expects people to put up with everyone forever. and knowing this doesn't even change anything! because some people will stay for much longer than i or anyone else deserves. its just the truth. and i and anyone else will continue this behaviour for so much longer than we should. i guess i'm just going to keep trying. and keep praying that something will change and someone will notice. noticeee andddd. have enough in them to care!
but i have to wonder whats wrong with me. isnt someone like, waiting to be noticed...don't they usually cave at the first sign of attention? how come every time someone likes me i want to like...maul them? jesus everyone needs to die. i just. everyone. everyone needs to die.