FCG: NO ONE'S GOING TO READ THROUGH ALL THIS, ALL THE VALUABLE INFORMATION IS JUST GETTING LOST IN THE YELLING.
A STORY IN FOUR PARTS.
PREFACE
this. is so freaking embarrassing. who let me do this.
i went into homestuck praying that i didn't kin anybody. this is because homestuck is sort of lame and uncool and all of that, but, more than anyone, i PRAYED i had nothing to say or note or think about Karkat Vantas. the only thing i knew about him, or associated with him, really, was that one picture of him with the caption "i want to punch you in the mouth, with my mouth, softly, because i like you" and oh my goddd dude.
i used to have this whole thing. that i actually sort of still have. some...thing, about being the #1 fan, in a way. it's complicated and ridiculous. i've been working on it. kinning feels a bit like this to me; it depends on the character.
for some examples, take Dirk Strider, Anton Tyanochkin, and Lee Smith. these are all characters i'd very confidently say i heavily kin. but they're all in different ways.
Lee Smith is someone i can see myself in, for his actions, and thought process as a character. however, i have never once had issue separating myself from him. and frankly, sometimes the measure i see myself in him is so out there, that i understand why someone may have a hard time identifying in what ways i am him. there are CERTAINLY people more like lee than i. and i'm probably nothing like those people.
Anton Tyanochkin is pretty Obviously sort of like me. when my hair is short (WHY ISN'T MY HAIR SHORT! LMFAO!) i look kinda like him, and we talk pretty similarly. he also shares aspects of Hinata Hajime's character, who i am also kind of like socially. i think itd be quite easy for someone to look at anton and see how i'm like him. there are probably people like anton out there who are pretty similar to me.
Dirk Strider is fundamentally very Me, in every way. if someone can't see why dirk is like me, it surely is because they do not understand his character, or me. while there are totes 1 BILLION dirk strider kinnies out there, i have never once questioned how Him i am.
lots of people kin the same character yet are very different themselves. kinning is for so many purposes, and can be in so many ways.
i'm really not THAT much like Karkat Vantas. the ways in which i am, i'm sure, you could use to support me or anyone else being like karkat or any other character. they're general. this sort of kinning tends to be different than "id"ing.
in my opinion, it is undeniable how much like Dirk Strider i am, AND, recognizing that helps me with understanding myself and being a better person (LMFAO) and things like that.
when it's something as light as the evidence there is to suggest Me = Vantas, it's really of my free will to acknowledge that.
for me, it is always called into question (by myself), "if i am like this character, how does this reflect in how i myself feel about this character, and the fact i am like them?". this is a great example when talking about Dirk Strider, as i do not "like" dirk strider, nor do i understand why anyone DOES for anything deeper than because he's an anime boy. it does make me sort of unnerved thinking about how many people think he's hot, but, it also reassures me, because it means they missed all of the awful shit about him as an actual character, therefore missing the aspects they'd be calling hot that relate to ME.
i feel very much the same way about him as his splinters often do himself, in the comic. in addition, i would absolutely never go by the name "dirk", because to publicly associate myself with him with any sort of 'pride' is ridiculous, as it is an embarrassment to relate to Dirk Strider. at most, i can handle "DS" or "strider". i am quite confident in arguing that this accurately represents how dirk (and canonically, other versions of him) feel about himself, and therefore, this affirms how "me" he is.
when it comes to Vantas. i have to think, that, as unfortunate as it is, the fact i REALLY don't want to be anything like him, is likely the way he feels about himself, as well. it's also to note, that, for me, most of the ways in which i relate to vantas are in topics and parts of myself that i THOROUGHLY understand and am HUMILIATED BY.
it is to note, purrhaps, that i believe vantas and strider are similar in their self loathing. it is however, more important to note, that i believe the most prevalent difference between their loathing, is strider is good at making himself useful, and hiding himself, while vantas is not.
this is, primarily, i think, because strider more often than not expresses himself via action, while vantas via word. in fact, the way in which strider takes care to talk the least amount he can muster to those he admires most is very contrary to vantas, who feels too useless to actually do anything for those he loves.
now, purrhaps someone may not recognize me as dirk strider at all. this may be because, i am not like dirk in his expression; i am not that good at hiding myself, yet (and not for lack of effort), and i am certainly not as useful as him.
rather, i use my word.
FUCKKKKK MEEE
man.
so, i guess i'm like vantas in my relationships, while being more like dirk in every other way. just generally, anyway. so i have the worst of both characters. yikes!
i don't actually think that, for the record. i happen to think that, in an ideal world, a healed dirk strider would use his words, and a healed karkat vantas would act more. so, rather, in a way, i have the best of both characters. my dirkisms reflect in my words and my vantasisms reflect in my actions--when they're good. when it's bad, it's my dirkisms reflecting in my actions. lack of consideration, casual infantilization, neverending isolation, and inherent ego. as well, naturally, my vantasisms reflecting in my words. ...lack of consideration, nonsensical ramblings, neverending isolation, and self loathing.
OHH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
so what led me to realize i was like karkat, and, like, give in to that? well, a lot, but i'm not here to discuss the lot of it. i'm here to complain about a stupid sSTUPIDDDD STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID stupid dave strider i happen to fucking know.
CG: SO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.
CG: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
MORE THAN USING ANY OF THE LOGIC I JUST WENT OVER, I KNOW I AM "LIKE" VANTAS BECAUSE I AM FOREVER FRUSTRATED. AND, LIKE HIM, AS ONE MAY FIGURE, NOT BY JUST MYSELF, BUT EVERYONE AROUND ME, AND THE IMPLICATION OF EVERYTHING EVER, BETWEEN US, AND OURSELVES, AND MOSTLY MYSELF, AND MY SOCIAL ROLE, AND A BUNCH OF STUPID NONSENSE.
AND I, TOO, THOUGHT MYSELF BETTER THAN PEOPLE. NOT BECAUSE I WAS ACTUALLY BETTER, BUT, BETTER IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY. UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO TOUCH ME. WHAT? HOLY FUCK. OK
IF YOU TALK ENOUGH, PEOPLE TRUST YOU, OR THINK YOU'RE A TOOL. AND IF THEY TRUST YOU, YOU'RE IN THE CLEAR, AND IF THEY THINK YOU'RE A TOOL, YOU CAN JUST NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK. AND WHEN THINGS DON'T WORK OUT THIS WAY, BECAUSE YOU ARE A TOOL, YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST BAWL, AND THEN PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED, AND FEEL LIKE YOU'VE CHANGED, WHILE NOT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT, BECAUSE, FRANKLY, YOU'RE STILL SITTING AROUND DOING FUCK ALL.
I USED TO NOT...GET DAVEKAT, REALLY. IT FELT SO CIRCUMSTANTIAL TO ME. BUT THEN I REALIZED, THAT'S ACTUALLY...WHY THEY WORK, AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT BOTH OF THEM NEEDED. THEY ARE SO, SO OPPOSITE, IT'S UNREAL. WHAT THEY SHARE IS THEIR HUMANITY, I FIGURE. BOTH OF THEM HAVE THESE STUPID...ACTS THEY PUT ON, AND BEHIND BOTH OF THEM, THEY ARE LONELY, AND PROBABLY LOOKING FOR SOMETHING NEW. THEY BOTH TALK TOO MUCH, AND THINK IT HELPS THEM, WHEN IT DOESN'T.
IT WAS WHEN I WAS READING THIS ONE LINE, THAT SOMEONE READING THIS DOESN'T KNOW...ABOUT, YET, BUT IT'S WHATEVER.
DAVE: well maybe not that fair but i guess i dont care
DAVE: so is johns hot mom awake yet?
[REDACTED]: No
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: not hot mom
DAVE: just mom
DAVE: damn
DAVE: did anyone hear that
[REDACTED]: Yes
DAVE: shit
DAVE: lets reboot all trains of thought starting now
DAVE: how much longer til his hot moms awake
DAVE: mom
DAVE: i mean his
DAVE: not mine
DAVE: his mom not my hot mom
DAVE: my mom i mean
DAVE: fucking hell
DAVE: not my mom his
DAVE: johns hot mom
DAVE: JESUS
HOW CAN YOU READ THIS AND NOT GO, OHHH MY GOD, NO FUCKING WONDER HE BELONGS WITH VANTAS. LIKE FUCK!
AND YET, AND YET AND YET AND YET, WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT, HE STILL HAS MORE BALL. ISN'T THAT THE SILLIEST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
VANTAS IS MORE STABLE THAN DAVE. THAT IS A FACT. PARTLY, I THINK, BECAUSE DAVE IS MUCH MORE INTIMIDATED BY VANTAS' ALIEN NATURE THAN VANTAS IS BY DAVE'S ALIEN NATURE, BUT ALSO BECAUSE VANTAS' RAMBLING COMES FROM AN AUTHENTIC PLACE, WHERE DAVE'S DOESN'T. OF COURSE VANTAS IS MORE STABLE, AND THEREFORE, I BELIEVE, HAS MORE POWER, NATURALLY. BECAUSE EVEN IF HE EMBARRASSES HIMSELF, HE IS BEING GENUINE.
WHILE HE IS EASILY FLUSTERED, WHICH GIVES DAVE MANY SMALL WINS OF HIS OWN, DAVE IS SIMPLY MUCH MORE EMBARRASSING, SINCE HE'D DO ANYTHING BUT ADMIT IT.
AND, YET, I THINK VANTAS WOULD (MOSTLY WILLINGLY) GIVE DAVE THE POWER AND WINS IN MOST SCENARIOS ANYWAY. IT REALLY WOULDN'T MATTER, WOULD IT? IF HE IS THE STRONGER ONE, THEN HIS OCCASIONAL WIN WOULD EASILY SOLO DAVE'S BULLSHIT.
AND YET, AS A VANTAS! I CAN SAY! IT NEVER GOES AWAY. BEING AUTHENTIC IS NICE, SOMETIMES, SO THAT I CAN BE CONFIDENT, YES, AND HAVE MY WINS. BUT GOD IS IT FUCKING SHAMEFUL. NO WONDER HE TALKED SO MUCH, HOLY FUCK, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO BE LIKE THIS EITHER. FUCK.
AND BOY DO I FUCKING! GET IT! IT IS ANNOYING. KNOWING THAT...THIS...... THIS IS EASIER WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT IT VIA DAVEKAT AS A SHIP.
VANTAS HAS NO PROBLEM CALLING OUT DAVE, BUT HE IS STILL VERY EASILY MADE HIS BITCHIEST LITTLE BITCH BOY, BECAUSE THATS JUST HOW HE BE. AND HOW UNFORTUNATE THAT MUST BE. KNOWING, AS A READER, THAT DAVE IS THE SADDEST WETTEST CAT TO EVER EXIST, AND YET HE IS "DAVE: 36, KARKAT: 7"'ING KARKAT, WHO IS, SELF HATRED ASIDE, MUCH MORE CONFIDENT THAN DAVE PRETENDS TO BE. AND NOT ONLY IS HE CLEARLY INTO IT, FOR A MULTITUDE OF REASONS, BUT LIKE, HE JUST LETS IT HAPPEN! AND HE REACTS GENUINELY AND SHIT.
ALRIGHT, NOW BACK TO ME.
...that felt sorttt of like. a patron troll reference. like.
HI AGAIN IDIOTS. LOOK AT YOUR PATRON TROLL, NOW BACK AT ME, NOW, BACK AT YOUR PATRON TROLL, AND NOWWW, BACK TO ME. SADLY, YOUR PATRON ISN'T ME.
lol.
ALRIGHT. NOW. BACK TO ME. WOW.
I FEEL LIKE A DOUCHEBAG, A LITTLE BIT. I FEEL LIKE THE ULTIMATE KINDATER. I AM JUST SO ANNOYED ALL OF THE TIME. AND I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS, STRIDER, BECAUSE, WELL, I PROBABLY TOLD YOU TO, BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING MASOCHIST. GOD! I AM JUST. SO FUCKING PISSED, DUDE.
I CANNOT FATHOM IT. I MEAN. I CAN. I CAN.
I, as Dirk, can fathom it. I mean, I'm in love with Jake English. English says "tally ho". Why wouldn't a few "babes" win me over? Well, probably because they're not authentic, and, really, English is nothing butt. I mean but.
OH MY GOD YOU JUST SAID DANDY. LIKE FINE AND DANDY. FUCK DUDE. FUCK! ANYWAYS.
AND YET I CAN FATHOM IT IF I JUST...TRY. I JUST. I DON'T WANT TO. I JUST. FUCK.
I NEVER WOULD'VE BELIEVED MYSELF IF I COULD GO BACK AND SAY, TO SOME PAST ME, THAT I'D ACTUALLY ENJOY BEING CALLED THE STUPID THINGS HE CALLS ME. AND I KNOW HE KNOWS THEY'RE STUPID. HOW DOES THAT STILL WORK, THEN? ISN'T THAT FUCKING INSANE? OR DOES IT JUST BOTHER ME THAT HE'S NOT AFFECTED? BUT HE TOTALLY FUCKING IS! IF I WERE DOING THE SHIT HE IS HE'D BE LOSING IT, SURELY. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT. AND YET I'M LETTING HIM GET ME WORKED UP OVER NOTHING. NOT...WORKED UP. BUT. FUCK, WHATEVER.
I LOVE...INTERNET DRAMA. I LOVE KNOWING PEOPLES WEAKNESSES. I LOVE NOT BEING INTIMIDATED. BECAUSE I CAN SIT, AND I CAN THINK TO MYSELF, 'YOU MISSED SOMETHING, YOU MISSED THE PART WHERE YOU REVEALED THIS ABOUT YOURSELF, WHERE YOU SHARED HOW YOU TRULY FEEL, WHERE YOUR VEIL WAS FAR TOO THIN. YOU FUCKED UP, AND YOU HAVE NOTHING'.
AND I SIT HERE. AND I TRY. I REALLY DO. I THINK, 'THIS IS BULLSHIT, THIS IS STUPID, I KNOW HE'S TRYING, TRYING VERY HARD PROBABLY, AND I KNOW HE'S JUST WAITING FOR IT TO WORK, AND WAITING FOR SOMETHING FROM ME. BUT I WON'T GIVE IT TO HIM. I'LL BE HONEST. I'LL BE TRUTHFUL.' OH, BUT, WHATS THIS? SITTING HERE LOSING IT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE FUCKING WANTED? AND BEING HONEST IS STUPID BECAUSE HE'S ALSO INTO THAT? FUCK!!!
AND I JUST WISH I COULD PUT IT INTO WORDS.
I, Irre Bearblog, never ONCE was even KIND OF into the kind of character Dave Strider was. NEVER ONCE. AND YET. HERE I AM. HERE I AM. HEREEEE I AM.
FUCK MY STUPID FUCKING CHUD FUCKING BAKA LIFE. FUCK. I WANT HIM SO UNFATHOMABLY BAD. LIKE. IT'S STUPID. LIKE THIS IS SO STUPID. LIKE THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. BUT I REALLY DO. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
AND I JUST...HAVE TO SIT HERE. NOT A RHETORICAL SIT, TO THINK, BUT A REAL SIT. I HAVE TO SIT HERE, ON THE EDGE OF MY BED, HEAD IN HANDS, WAITING TO PHYSICALLY FUCKING COOL DOWN, DESPITE MY ROOM BEING 20 FUCKING CELSIUS, BECAUSE I...WHAT. I WHAT. I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM? I LET MYSELF THINK ABOUT HIM FOR MORE THAN 15 FUCKING SECONDS? OH MY GOD IT IS THE MOST PATHETIC THING I CAN IMAGINE LITERALLY ANYONE NEEDING TO DO IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. FUCK I AM SO WARM. OH MY GOD KILL YOURSELF STRIDER. I AM NOT KIDDING. BUT, I AM. I AM KIDDING. BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO THAT. FUCK.
AND HE IS JUST SO. FUCK!!! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE WRITING THIS. THIS HAS ALL JUST BEEN A WAY TO AVOID FUCKING. DIRECTLY...WHATEVER. FUCK.
I CANNOT BELIEVE I GOT FUCKING. like, ROMANCED. LIKE FUCKING KARKAT VANTAS. THAT'S THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. AND JUST LIKE HIM, IN A WAY, I KNEW, THAT IT WAS HAPPENING, AND IT WORKED. ANYWAY. IT WORKED ANYWAY. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK.
ANYWAY. NOW I HAVE TO SIT (AFOREMENTIONED) ANYTIME I THINK ABOUT DAVEKAT FOR TOO LONG. LIKE AS A PUNISHMENT, AS WLEL, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO AWFUL, AND GOD MY BOYFRIEND REALLY IS LIKE DAVE IN THE FLESH IT IS KIND OF PISSING ME OFF HARDCORE. YOU KNOW, PISSING ME OFF, LIKE A CERTAIN GUY HE'S SHIPPED WITH? YOU KNOE, LIKE KA HHHJJFKKKKKK
THANKS.
THANKS.