definitions of friendship
today i visited a friend of mine. yesterday, technically. i slept over.
we spoke about how we both struggle to 'cope' with having friends. we both feel the occasional desire to be alone entirely due to how hard it is to 'upkeep' many friendships.
i recently, ("recently" being used the way older folk use it, to mean in recent years/months, not actually that recent), made a friend, who is now very close to me.
for the first time in my life, i, for as long as i have known this friend, do not find friendship needing 'upkeep' at all.
somehow, we have a very similar view and feelings regarding friendship. and yet, we are oddly close, and have a relationship which many would consider 'odd' at 'best', or romantic at 'worst'. yet, we both agree it's friendship.
it's this sort of mutual understanding that makes friends friends, is all—is what i'm thinking recently.
the friend i visited is only my friend (as in, i only call him my friend because...) because he considers me his. from here on out, it's my job to figure out exactly what that means to him. what we get out of each other. and stuff.
i myself like a friendship to be loyal. i grew up with a mother who cares about loyalty very much. anyone who is even slightly unfaithful to her is soon to be out of her life. i don't really consider myself one to 'switch up on', but i do understand and feel that if i'm disliked, i will accept that unless it changes. most people who do not wish to have me in their life any longer are free to be in my life again.
most people who i no longer associate (or are friends) with are still in my life, in a way, which is why i don't mind.
every single friend i have ever had is different; every single friend i have ever had views friendship as something unique. so i will never forget them and their friendship, unique in its ways—in ways sometimes no one else who hears the stories will understand.
in a similar way, i believe that if these people no longer in my life are to be speaking of me and my friendship, they will all find it different. they may all believe i have different intentions or different reasons or act very differently overall. two could likely meet and speak of me without even realizing i am the subject of both stories, i imagine.
so generally speaking, i'll try my hardest to understand and please the requirements of your unique friendship.
i wonder, thinking about the day, if me and the friend i visited are 'good friends' according to his definition. i'm not sure of what 'good friends' entails for him, yet. i'd think the topic of friendship itself is only something you chat about, as understandingly as we were, with good friends.
but with my definition, loyalty, there is also understanding. i, like everyone else, want to be understood. i do not understand myself very well, so i like when others try (and occasionally, do).
my recently made friend is, in my opinion, the person who understands me the most. the time of our meeting is of almost no relevance to me. to others i think that is a big factor. commonly? i think? i don't know, i try to befriend people who i guess to have similar definitions to me (so people who don't care too much about time).
it's fun, though. if you look past the upkeep, it's a game of sorts i guess. not to imply (at all) that i don't mean the things i say, or that i'm 'playing' people to learn about them. i stay as genuine as i can. that's the fun part. seeing how i can play into people's set definitions, trying to fit them all.
i don't take offence when people don't want to be 'good friends' with me. it just means, like... i didn't make it very far. like a hole-in-the-wall game where it just kept getting more... oddly shaped, friendships become more defined the 'closer' people are, i feel. so sometimes you just... don't make it very far.
sometimes all it needs is time, though.
and, well, like. being someone who envisions being with everyone until i'm just... not? time is not relevant to friendship at all. there's plenty of time. we have lots.
i hope to keep adding people to my list. even if it includes our fall out, that's alright. everyone is important and different.
thanks