HANNDSSSS
i just got back from tim hortons. it's 12:37pm. my left hand is still red.
sort of like that.
it was really nice. to think about. amd i have to think about how ... i'm just. i must be weak. but thats good. if i'm the me that isnt happy of course i want to be weak. but it still sucks doesnt it. knowing i can't leave any sort of mark. one that lasts. but. whatteverrrrr. i can do what i do. i can awlk for five minutes, holding an iced coffee in my hand, not adjusting it once. i can feel it sting and i can fantasize about how it'll linger afterwards. which it didnt, really. i brushed it up against my sleeve and that sort of...sucked. but thast all that. the fantasies arent supposed to be realistic.
and its why i don't adjust my headphones and i let my hair look liie shit. and i avoid eye cocntact to let people know i'm ashamed. and i ignore my stomach ache and walk as i usually would. and i waste money. on things like food. these are the things i can do. i ignore ht ecramping in my hands as i type and i lie right to everyone i loves' faces. i answer their prompts without hesitation. im sure they know something is 'up ' but does it matter? umm. no. not really.
i make things as bad as possibel for regular me i guess. and i regret it all so bad, when that comes. when i am him.
but. thats. his problem. my problem, yeah, but whats more important, the me now, or the me i'll become?
so i wil finish the horrible drink i borrowed money to byu and it will satisfy me. and iwill embarrass myself as much as possuble. and i will be distaitn and i will think abuot nothing but my own suicide and uselessness until it clicks and this is overrrr.
but i vant stop.eating even though not eating is ehat taught me i couod handle this. keep8ng things to myself. Its just Too bad. I keep things to myself for the sake of others. Not eating...will Never. Never ever ever. Not Harm the people around me. Tney notice. And noticing somethin glike thst Messes with people, so fucking bad, its.. not... They just dont deserve that. And i dont either. Even the me i disdain. That feeling. Of being covered in your own hair. Waiting for Nothing to come. Tbat sort of buklshit iused to tell myself. About gettig somewhere. Having goals. It doesnt mea i cant achieve things. I just have better shit ro do. And sktting around looking at my frozen over hand is so much Better. So much better. So much better. So much better. Somuch better.
So i guess maybe thats wjy it alwya foes awau. I have good food. Reminds me why im living nd shit. Me, now, being the regular me.
I want tjose i love and. A good meal. Our favvourities. Nd i want to tell them tht i love htem and that i am so so so sorry. But that i. Just inherentlu sorry amd its not the aort theybshould feel bad about. I was born guilty surely. Everyone i know is perfect. Amd if i could dedicate myself ro helping them i would. I would i would iwoud ajd i would put aside eveyerhing. Eeveyrhing. And i would make rhem understand whr it feels like to sit in silence and enjoy it. The people youre wirh and rhe quiet. So much peace can come from.tbar. so much peace. So much peace. And i 2ant them to feel love for me. And to realize that this is really love for themselves And then i can leave them nd tneh will.be so ful of love. Typingon tjs phonr wheny.hand is cold is fucking harrdd.
J just cant hnadle it. My loced ones being sad. I cant do it. And i will never hurt myself in any way that .. couod ever eeve affect tbem. Not Even jf jrs subconscious and i lwt it slip. Not even that. I cant believe iw as lile that for so long. Hurting myself and hurting those aeound me. I just love them. And rhey deserve so mucb love. So so so so so much love. Aand.i will not remove myself from anyones life. Thats harm. Thars...selfish harm. I will be cafeful and i will be mindful. And i will hurt myself slowly. From the inside out.
And jtll be fjne Cuz eventually it wont be me irll be refular me nd he will fo back to his .. regular self.
I .miss ky loved ones.