ahh
free association makes me dizzy
sometimes i forget to spit out the seeds
i'll make it through this if it kills me
and when it kills me i'll come back
still doing all i can, to understand
one more erotic nightmare about you
this is horrible. but there is really nothing to do about it. like, nothing at all. like actually nothing. and nothing IS going to happen! i won't even be able to get my hair cut. like oh my god bruh. i just kind of don't know how we got here. how did i get to a point i am talking about myself this often, and letting people think of me like this?
i guess it was all in an attempt to be honest, but there's no point in that, because my honesty is so Nothing! and it might Genuinely be better when i am a self loathing loser ALL the TIME!!!
i have been trying to tell people how i feel and shit but its just useless. it doesn't matter. what especially does not matter is who i like and care about. i haven't been showing anyone that i care at all. maybe...two people. maybe. barely. so what's the point! like, there kind of isn't one. and no amount of like, "no, i do care about you." changes anything. i am just too weak! and too weak to even try being any stronger. that's the lamest stupidest most selfish shit i've ever heard. and i just wonder. like
what has to happen for this to go away. who's sacrifice is going to be the thing that changes me? and that's the most horrible thing in the entire world. that it's going to take someone else's loss. but i feel like it will.
life seems so dire when you're around
soft goodbyes, you never stay still
and in the moment i hope you will
maybe tomorrow i won't react
you were giving me excuses
in my confusion i was content
i don't need anyone
and i've no money left to see you scream
never felt so insecure as when you never look at me
despite the comfort in your softest eye
you'll find your easy eyes, they go blind
but this is all nothing, too. my word is clearly...meaningless, i guess. and i've always felt this. i feel too bad using i/me/myself because its just, like, lacking substance. always. and i wish i didn't need to speak. i am sure who i Really Am would become apparent, then. not to say that i "really am" a horrible person, per se, but i do think that, while understanding it is likely not entirely realistic nor literally accurate.
but it made me want to cry
i've done this shit for so long
i just don't think there is more for me to say
how many more times can i say that to people? it must be abusive in some sense. is it not habitually...evil, to tell someone who feels Worthless "you're wrong", and to respond to their wondering of How So, tell them "Because I Said So"? <== punctuation outside of quotation because it's So Ugly on the inside, as well as, Fucking Stupid and Awful and Dumb
what the fuck am i even doing. this is so annoying. blogging this shit is so stupid.
i JUST!! just. JUST NOW remembered that this is because i am depressed. and when i'm done, i'll feel like a fine—if not GOOD—Friend. isn't that so fucked up? that i'm so close to properly acknowledging and remembering how mean i can be, and it'll just go away shortly? and i won't understand at all? i'll disagree so heavily i'll think "wow, he was ons omething. i could argue against ALL of these points". which is so bullshit.
i mean, not really—i COULD argue against all my own points. but of course i can, i love arguing, i'd argue anything. that's meaningless. oh, whats that, "meaningless"? like ther est of the things you say?
but he wouldn't understand that. so. its whatever.
thanks