blogging
i have never had a proper blog before. i’m not inclined to think this is one, either, due to my nature with these sorts of things.
i tend to abandon projects—all of them, really, likeee. i can list which i’ve finished.
- any school assignment shorter than ≈20 hours of work
- daisuke mouthwashing cosplay
- /callisto & /yoshikaru rentry
umm thats all i can come up with.
blogging isss. not something i enjoy at all. i write with intent, to be viewed. the idea of writing not for another is one i struggle with a lot. i can’t really do it. when left to myself, i just don’t write. or i write in preparation for someone to read eventually.
it’s very ‘weak’ to write with no one in mind. it could be read by many, and, like. you don’t know what they’ll think of it.
i try to write honestly always. in every piece of text. no matter what. but i am a person that struggles with the concept of honesty.
conclusion #1: i have cognitive dissonance. severe cognitive dissonance.
in every behaviour or thought i have, i cannot understand or picture (normally) behaving or thinking otherwise. yet, often, that day comes, and i cannot understand or picture or FATHOM behaving or thinking the way i originally did. growth is not something i can feel, mostly—other people can record my growth. i can not.
so, how am i to write for myself? why would i? i may look back on it and i will think either a) i cant believe i thought that (i’m better now.) or b) i have not changed at all.
i recall moments from my life from as far back as i can remember. i always feel the same as i did then; i can know exactly what i was thinking in the moment, i feel. because not much change has ever occured.
so blogging is pretentious. for others, of course not. but for someone who cannot really feel change? it’s silly and just sort of embarrassing. anyway.
i guess i’ll be trying to blog
i wonder if some people consider this venting? ‘venting’ sort of includes the need to get it out of your system, though, and i’m really only writing this for anyone who may be viewing. obviously i know all that.
thanks