living
ive often been thinking i think a Lot whenever i look into mirrors . which i likee alwyas have done because i dont like that i can see myzelf. i would live a much happier life if i never truly understood my body and could separate my mental feom it. alas i suppose
what hurts me recently is every time i ummm. see my own face. sighh ok this shif is kind of too emo for me which is why it actually sucks so bad feeling it!!!!!!!
i can Really onlg think of how what i’m seeing—me, in all identifiable forms, but mostly my actual body—make some people feel …? bad things. they see my body and they remember Bad Things. they can never see me and not think of those things.
i hear ‘i hate being around you’ and ‘no one could make me feel more stupid than you’ and whatever the fuck else and i just cant imagine Not Remembering that every time my face is seen. i have done so many bad things and gotten away with all of them. but that doesnt even matter because they’re still bad and i still Barely think of them.
i’d like to move someplace no one knows me. and every impression will be fresh. and i will make no bonds with anybody and no one will ever associate me with anything or care for me at all. i think that would be nice
i’m not sure what to do about my self sabotaging behaviours. they’re getting really bad ,, i cant seem to make any cognitive decisions that concern other people at All. i cant seem to actually base things off of my morals or feelings any more.
i do things and then genuinely regret and die over them and can only vaguely understand why i did them at all. i sometimes undo them and fuck myself over. i’m consistently fighting with myself to make decisions.
its like, every few hours i need to redo and undo things to make sure i’m just fine and acting normally and functioning. i really wish this would stop so i could live properly
thanks