waiting —ASDUHNIOCJXZ
how is one supposed to live like this. am i truly supposed to sacrifice myself always, for others? i don'ttt. really understand. i'm told that i should, in some cases. if they sacrifice for me. but i'm also told to never 'stoop low', you know?
i don't know. i don't know what i want. i really wish it was easy to refer to that as to why i do some things. i wishhh. that meant something. but it really doesn't. what matters is your actions. not your reasons. i guess.
but i can't find words for anything. whatever i'm going to say is basically meaningless and complete bullshit. though it'll feel like what i mean, it'll never get anything worth anythkng (to me) across. all it will do is aid whomever is receiving it in recognizing that i'm mean. the contents don't even matter. no explanation means anything. because it'll keep happening so. who !! who cares Holy. um.
i'd really like to be cared about i think. why isn't there someone who would understand this? how? how is there no one?.;;l;'o;'?>
so i guess i'll just keep saying things to explain. and it won't... really be truthful or meaningful No matter how accurate it may seemm. because i'll never get across to anyone.
it's this daunting feeling. i'm what some (like professionals, or nosy people) would call Passively Suicidal. when i get overwhelmed, i basically sit around and wait for someone to talk to me. soemtimes i just sit in guilkt because i know that i'm probably going to decline or bring down whatever mood there is. sometimes, i seek people, and attempt explaining something that.. never really makes any sense, or is of any relevance to the people.
i have spent hours. hours. so many hours i will never get back, mind you. explaining to myself. preparing. preparing for a therapist or something maybe? but no one ever gets it. and i start with this every time.
"i've gone through this hundreds of times, and you still won't get it."
and yett! i still go through it. and i sound hyperbolic i think.
i wish i could just get across to those close t me how this feels. it feel slike every living moment i've been preparing for right now, where i give everything up, then deal with the deserved consequence. where i commit to never ever ever seeing a therapist. where i start keeping thigns to myself again.
yet i'm always explaining it to. someone. anyone who'll listen i guess. not that it makes me feel that much ebtter, ever, just frustrated. i can't tell if this is an act or not. am i doing this for attention? have i been talking to myself fo rhours on end just to say that i've been doing it? for someo ne to think about me? i'm not sure
not that i'm sure about much.
anyway no i can't call. i can't playu games. i dont know why this happens ot me. i can't talk with you i can't do the thing we were planning to do i can't deal with hit,. i actually very seriously plan sending you a suicide note that lists you asking me to do something as my last straw. i'd write everything in the worst way to make you feel bad probably.
now who the hell needs to be doing al of this just because he doesn't feel cared ofr! it's disregarding all of the care that so many put into him. maybe he should. stop being fucking confusing and sauing shit.
when i stop talking i do make more sense. its nicer when i don't talk. but no one's here to shut me up
i'm still waiting. it'll pass this will pass and i'll be over this and i'll think Holy that'll PROBZ happen again but its ok cuz now i'm fine! and i'll move ona nd i'll only feel a bit bad about all of the shit i'm saying becasuse it wont feel genuine or authetnic or like it really even happened. it's like i'm being killed and reborn bit by bit every single time i get like 'this'. do i even get to say that? 'get like this'? isn't that sort of implying i have a disorder or something?
well i don't think i do. i don't know what it is. i think maybe i just havent been told 'no' enough. someone needs to tell me i can't be this dramatic. but i mean every word. ok
thanks