owe
sometimes its hard to seperate guilt from being completely non-culpable
personally, it sort of feels like it's an in the moment thing. i know i've been sorry before, but i'm constantly unsure if it's what i'm actually feeling right now, in This moment.
so how am i to tell for others?
when i make a mistake, one that i acknowledge (which, of course, from my point of view, is all of them), i feel guilty, and often sorry.
at many hard points in my life, i have allowed others to cut me off, and preferred that they do so. i guess that this was often because they were behaving in a way that i knew they could not acknowledge, or because i was the issue.
i couldn't write any more about that. i've sat here for a little bit, just looking at it.
i really can't make any conclusions. i'm not sure where to begin in anything. any issues, any tasks, any relationships. maybe that's why i like just staying together so much—because i fundamentally don't know how to do anything with people.
i just wonder what i owe. what guilt i owe, what friendship i owe, what effort and consideration i owe. i've never been quite sure.
my friends tell me i give too much effort. too much time, too much consideration, too much friendship. but maybe they just don't know what they're talking about. it's hard to stop giving all that, you know. it's love, isn't it? do i really need to be the person to do things? to step in?
what's really so bad about just staying together forever, no matter the harm done? no matter the missed opportunities, no matter the nights ruined, no matter the wallowing, the sobbing, the pleading? as long as, at some point in time, that's not happening, then what does it even matter at all?
do i owe pointing that out? do i owe those around me to stop what others consider bad? is it possibly just. too big of a fault for me to acknowledge? a mistake i'll never admit?
i'm not sure. maybe i will be, sometime.
thanks