people and stuff
i am trying to set everything aside right now. just for a second. all of the variables. because i want to talk for my future self, so i remember.
i don't understand it. how people are not always thinking about how they're going to die, thinking about how to be nice to each other, thinking about their actions as objectively as they can muster. i'd guess the longest i can go without thinking this way is a few hours, really really engaged in what i'm doing, but even THEN, man, everything is about life, everything is about love, everything is about everything. how do you not feel that way!!! how do you not see that everything is about everything!!! oh myy!! goodness!!! no wonder you are not overwhelmed. cuz ure just...ure just!!! WHAT'RE you even doing! what is it like? to think about the thing you're doing, think about the thing you're going to do, think about your friends, think about your show
what do you even think about your show, not REALLY thinking about it? what do you think? about the fans on twitter? about what characters you want to have sex? about the actors? sure, sure, but what about everything else??? where does that go? you need someone to PROMPT you to think about that? what? what? what? what is all that extra space in your BRAIN? being used for? i don't understand. is it for actors names? is it for your childhood memories? is it for your partner's favourite flowers?
i guess, probably, yes. and maybe that's why i don't know any of that stuff. oh my goddd. it's so annoying i am so annoyed
why do i need to explain to you the stuff that i THOUGHT was obvious!!! yes, the movie project hail mary isn't actually very great. in fact, its lack of politics makes it sort of bland. that's why people like it for the few things it represents. friendship, love of earth, love of life...OBVIOUSLY!!! AS A STORY! it could be much better! i don't want to think about stupid shit like how it's lacking stuff. i know that. you should know that. we all know that. why are we repeating ourselves? why are? what? why not just take the good away from it, and touch ont hese when they come up, naturally.
well, because some people miss some things. i miss a lot of things. and the only way to learn these things is to get together in big groups, and very very slowly talk about it. talk about all the issues. and for every 20 repeated nonsense points, you'll see one that'll change you, and the one that changes you is differnet for everybody. this is just how learning works.
BUT I DON'T!!!! want to care about that. sometimes, i would like to enjoy things without caring about that. why am i the one that has to do this? that has to reason this behaviour? why can i not just be somebody who gets mad at it? i justtt... don't understand, why i cannot share my opinion without preface, and an afterword. well because its just my duty man. it is what i have to do. it would be...i just think it IS my responsibility. if my prefacing could help someone understand other's points more, help bring them towards their realization that people are people, and we have to listen, and everything is love, then i have to do it. i have to try to be kind. i just don't want to. it is very hard walking this line. even if i don't do a good job, man, i still have to!
and even this, even what i do is not enough. it is not anything. i am so uneducated. if i could just read books, surely i'd stumble upon stories written by people who live like this, like me, and i could see what they did about it, and i could be even a bit more confident in my way of life.
but my way of life, in this case, is just bullshit. it is just trying my hardest, trying my best, and thinking of others (as little as i can). that's so stupid. i am always unstable. but i just don't matter enough to fix that, unfortunately. i have to think this way and i probably always will. i will never think to tell someone of what i am proud of. i will neverrrr want to be known. how could i dude! there are so many people...alive, and dead, that tried their hardest to be heard, and werent. and i try my hardest to see them in everything everrr.
but that is so dramatic, no? and surely i'm not literally thinking about this all the time. which would be correct. i try not to. i try really hard to think about these things generally. as generally as possible. i think vaguely of education, and books, and people before me, and i try to distract myself with the earth. with bigger pictures! but the truth is there are sooo many small pictures anddd. and it takes effort to know them.
i don't know. of course in a way, things like how specific books have flaws is important. it's important because i guess people sort things into bins of important and non important. value and no value. or maybe its... a bunch of bins. but everything can be important. everything can speak to you. anything can speak to you! if you let it!
and i can't helppp myself. i want everything to speak to me. every painting is the world to me, if i think about it for more than 3 minutes. and if it isn't, in those 3 minutes, i am simply uneducated.
a video game changes my life. it reminds me of things i forgot. the littlest things. things like bugs, and kids, and art, in views i have to remember are real, even though i've never lived them. and there are billions and billions of these perspectives. i want to know them all. i need to. they were real, they are real, they can change you too.
when i am left alone, i am so so lost...it takes longer and longer to remember these perspectives--images--fleeting thoughts--that keep me real, and active. so i need to keep reading. reading is the easiest way, logically, to me, to learn about this stuff. i can find what i am looking for. i can use libraries, and literally search! for my shit.
but that's sooo...sterile, and i'm lost. i need people. i need to talk to people, and to hear them. all these dead people, people i'll never talk to, i mean...there are so many people here, alive, NOW. some of them even like me, and they'll tell me about themselves, about how they think. i'm so honoured.
by the way, that is the word i would use to describe myself, if need be. honoured. forever. maybe if you asked me, i'd fumble, forgetting the word, but at heart, it will always be honoured. i am so honoured. to be alive and to hear you all. and to remember what i do.
of course i am; everything is so beautiful, and unfortunately, everything and everyone speaks to me. i don't have room for you all. i don't have space for you all. i have to write an essay analysis. how can i do my school work when there are so many people to talk to, and think about, and doing my school work, having school work, thinking about school work, my feelings about school work, are all their own things that're so fucking cool, and prompts in of themselves? i want to sit and think forever, is what i tell myself. but thats wrong. i need to be here, with people around me, forever. i need to take advantage of my life. there is no other choice for me.
i will not be in a book. i will not be remembered. everything i know will be gone. so will all these people...for the most part. i guess a few of them will live on, for a while. and as much as i'd like to spend this time appreciating the earth, i need to try to find a balance. the earth and the people.
i am not even depressed right now. this is always in my brain. how is it not in yours. what are you doing. how can i ever make anybody understand that this is in my brain? well i guessss. i probably can't. i just can't. and in the end, that's good, because i'm the one thinking of them, not vice versa...but when i am weak, and when i want to be cared for, this all becomes so difficult. uughh jesus christ