Could you tell me how, Could you tell me how, and if?
It seems like this is somehow, really, genuinely making me feel better about the way I feel. I'm like Jon because I'm so scared for no apparent reason. Fo Sho. LOL. Well, anyways...I just...I'm so scared! I can't stop saying it. Using that phrasing. I don't know how else to put it, I guess...I'm not particularly paranoid about anything in...specific. I don't think I'm being watched, or everyone is going to betray me, or.. or anything. I just um.. I feeel...very separate. I am feeling forced to acknowledge, all of the time, how separate I am from every thing around me. And how I have no control.
Recently, I've been very happy. This is mostly thanks to little things, er, but, overall, it is all thanks to money. Convenience saves me. Maybe its my ADHD, but I'm inclined to think more pessimistically. Nonetheless, I've been so thankful for every extra charger, every hook on my wall, every cubby for items...just everything. And it's made me realize how scared I am--and never HAVE been, before-- to lose everything. In just the past few months, I've lost a lot. I lost my laptop charger, my physics notes, and my flashdrive with every...photo...um. every photo from the last 4 years on it. I can't spend too much time thinking about that orrr. I'll cry.
Well I just...I've already lost so much. I apologize for using that phrasing. I know I'm using it rather informally. What I mean is that I've lost track of many ITEMS. I haven't "lost everything". But I'm scared to. in a way I've never been before. I've just spent so much time keeping track of everything, and making sure its all stored somewhere, somewhere safe, anddd! I just. I'm losing it a bit. I don't...I can't find it in myself to care as much. Whether all my records are there, or if all of my belongings are here...and that just keeps scaring the shit out of me. I don't want to lose them. I can't remember anything. How am I supposed to act without all my memories? Like...Jesus. It's just horrible. My boyfriend has helped ground me a lot. So...thats nice. But it still...I'm. You know. Still.
I'm just still...so scared.