Please Don't Have a Mental Breakdown Right Now
on Friday, a girl in my class saw me (at her table, across from her) hold my face in my hands for a minute. that's what she said to me. i can never remember her name. natasha? nat... something. i said something like, "oh, lol, i'm not going to. just tired." and she didn't acknowledge my response.
she was entirely well intentioned i'm sure. but jesus fuck. i'm trying to keep it together. i'm trying to walk the fine fine fine line between manic talking to no one and manic telling everyone how i really feel.
it's so fucking hard. earlier i slipped up. said something i usually would've known to keep to myself. it pisses me off knowing that...these people, who probably care about me, see me upset, and in response they get my thinly veiled self hatred and Entirely Un Veiled comments.
i never knew exactly how to put that into words, because i couldn't look at it from an outsiders point of view. i only knew all the stuff i felt.
but then! the pitt! wow! i understand. i become hostile and just depressing to be around. you can't be depressed And mean. yet here i am!
the cognitive dissonance just never goes away. i don't know what i want. but i do. i just, i want two very different things, at the same time, for different reasons, and i understand why, anddd. and there's nothing i can do about it. it's up to other people what happens to me. i need to be stopped and told off. and even then, i'll probably argue. but it'll stop some time.
ittts just. people trying to listen to me. people who want to hear what i have to say. they don't seem to understand that's just not...a good thing. it's just not like...i...
everything i say is what i believe. sometimes, while saying stuff, i know about other parts of me that disagree, or i know i shouldn't be saying it, but i only say shit i genuinely believe, EVEN if i know that some other part of me DOESN'T believe it. and some time, i'll be that other me. what is that other me supposed to do? i wasn't lying. i wasn't wrong. i just disagree now. so what exactly gives anything i say meaning? how is anyone but me supposed to be able to see what is fundamental, what is "me", when there's an evil me (can be one or the other; whichever one i'm not) who goes "yeah, true, but also, not true."? what do i do?
well, i stop talking. i stop letting people hear me. there's really just not much else to do. i have to watch myself. which can be so hard, sometimes, man. i have to hide what i believe, i believe SO TRUE, because i've been TOLD (by my memories) that it isn't true. how much i really believe that depends on my mood.
the worst is when i believe both. when i understand, fully, that i am wrong, but that doesn't get rid of all truth to my arguments. when i think my friends hate me, i know it's irrational. but i'm not a very irrational person. i don't just think everyone has something out for me. i think they just don't find some of my jokes funny, they don't see me as a "real" friend—i think realistic options, grounded in reality. it brings me out of an utter misery, into a peaceful depression. these last longer than usual. they lay under everything. they have me truly believing two contradictory things at once.
like now, for example! it's so bad. its...not bad like bad, bad like, wow. i just don't even...there aren't words to make anyone reading this understand. i mean, unless you do understand. if you relate, then you do. but if not, i'm not sure you could. i just. i just laugh!!! i can't help it. i just smile so much. i can't do anything else. there's nothing else for me to do. i can't speak. the me that wants to do better, for us, will not get anything out. and if it does, it will be covered!!! so soon. as soon as i can ask for help i will be taking it all back. i will be mean, then, so they know to back up, to not see me as someone hurt, someone who needs Jesus Christ man Robby You are So Me