GAHHHHAHH!! GAHH! GAH!!! gah. gaHH!!
typically, if i have something good or interesting to say, it goes on my other blog, because i show that to people. or, i guess, moreso, i don't "hide" it from people.
however, this is kind of embarrassing, and means nothing to anyone, so there is literally zero value in putting it somewhere people can read.
i have spent a ridiculous amount of time, like, in my life, explaining 1 of my billion Issues that are just persistent for no reason and things are their own "issue" because i've had hours to think about it, and other various annoying bullshit i be doing.
as it turns out, most of this bullshit i be doing was just, uh, wasted hours, describing Bipolar Disorder. but whatever, we ball, it saves me time Now.
and yet here i am. well. whatever man. who cares. ME!! but . ok whate DUDE FUCK OK
images mean a lot to me. not, like, pictures. but the feeling of images in my head. i can Sort of picture most things, but its the feel of them that makes the difference to me. and for as long as i can remember, sitting down, or even while absent minded, just sort of Feeling like i can Remember or Picture something that is Kind of like Something i know, a bit, has had the FUCK ASS ability to ruin and change my entire mood to degrees which are fucking DIABOLICAL. and not just my mood, really. my entire "mindset", for as long as it decides to last.
recently, as in, recent years, i've tried not thinking about this, because it pisses me off. but recently, as in, the last few months, i have gotten stuck again.
usually, i would be chill, and if i locked in, i could totally ignore the mood swings, because i realized that the "feeling" or "image" i was looking for was unobtainable or nonsensical. like, its probably similar to how someone watches a movie and their life is changed for a few days. but instead of a good movie it's some content soup my brain maybe saw and thought felt Cozy and Obtainable. whatever.
the new one is obtainable. it's...okay, i will have to go over a whole other thing just to get to this, but i don't really want to, because talking about myself when not immensely suicidal is QUITE embarrassing.
its just homestuck. it changed me a lot and its helping me get over being embarrassed about a lot of stuff. mostly, topics relating to being "true fans" and "oldgens" and whatnot.
i am certainly not someone who i'd consider to hardcore dickride 2000's nostalgia. i mean, a bit, for the stuff i actually grew up with. i have an older brother who made me watch him play skyrim and halo and all that. i have a canon snapshot i've had since i was 10. i appreciate physical media. that's about where my relationship with the admiration for these times ends.
ok. whatever. so the image. ewll. it's not really an image, so i can't sit down and explain it. buttt... i do think of maybe, like, a 2000's blogger.
UNRELATED (until this post) to the fact i blog. it just occurred to me that i do.
i think of being a 16 year old in some past time sitting in bed with a laptop with bad stickers and writing to nobody, probably failing school.
that is, recently, something that keeps me going. this is likely because i recently started using my laptop, and it has bad stickers, and i am failing school, and also in bed, writing, to nobody.
i umm. don't know why exactly. probably because it makes things feel a bit small, and dramatic in a way that will not Haunt me Forever, for i will change.
before i sat down to write this, i was in a fantastic mood, because i havent slept. and then i sat down and got humiliated, because how ridiculous is what i'm going on about? i feel a bit psychotic. man. man! man. but its ok. i think i will try think of it again and try to get myself up and whatnot.