thoughts #3
yesterday, i was going to write about how good i’d been recently. it turned out, however, that it was just because i had no school for 4 days. i havent been worse in a while (per usual).
today my qpp, whom i meet up with at the end of each school day, didn’t show. i called him after a while, and he said he’s going out with some of our friends, on a walk, to the library. he actually only mentioned this about 5 minutes into the call, despite me asking immediately. i walked to meet up with them, and they all went on giggling about how it was such a last minute thing.
it’sssss. been a while since i’ve cried in school, like that. normally i have a hard time… since its at school. but not today i guess.
i just… really fucking Love walking and libraries. i don’t go out often because my friends all have better friends, and because my qpp Hates Walking, and hates going out with me.
alas! here he is. wild isn’t it?
i asked why i wasn’t invited and he said he just forgot. forgot to tell me not to wait alone for 15 minutes, and forgot to tell me he was with my favourite people, and forgot to invite me to the activity he should know i love (that he supposedly hates).
my mom, who saw me crying (MISTAKE!!! ALWAYS) promptly argued with me because she somehow twisted it so i was blaming her? and then when i told her to stop she’s … blasting the music going “ no yeah yeah youre . yeah youre right yeah.”
“no but how—“
“YOU’RE RIGHT. you’re always right i get it. shut up.”
my headphones died about 2 minutes later, so i had to listen to her loud shitty music the ride home.
before this (before we started arguing) she pulled into tim hortons—to which i declined, despite getting it almost every day, because i felt bad. i’m thankful. she would’ve used it against me during the argument.
its hard to be sad out of the moment. all of my friends have very very hard lives and none of this can even compare. the abuse that they go through is astounding and unbelievable. i just really can’t complain. it doesn’t matter. this doesn’t matter i guess
i feel like its rude for my mother to, once she thinks i’m blaming her, ask me
why’re you doing that lol? like stop being so fucking dramatic putting on a show… your friends said you could go, no?
and they did say that, once i walked across the school to find them, af which point my mother was already here. she.. tends to be upset when i ask her not to come and she’s already on her way. so i didn’t.
of course, i already didn’t want to, since i wasn’t fucking invited, but still.
hearing that, i guess she thought i was saying it was her fault i didn’t go.
she.. seems to think that crying is always For Her. something for her to see. its always Dramatic or Unnecessary or Stupid or Dumb. because its really jot that aerious and you need to fucking.. deal with it. she seems to not understand that crying IS dealing with it.
the only way to get over arguments with my mother is to ignore her the same she ignores me, until she caves. this is an awful habit that i hope i don’t bring into my other relations.
my qpp knows i’ve been really depressed recently. but i don’t think he thinks of it. i don’t think he thinks of anyone but himself, frankly. he needs reminders. he needs reminders to be considerate and reminders to be kind at all. he is so caught up in himself that he doesn’t think of others at all
which kills me, because when i’m upset, i’m the one who needs to consider for others. but perhaps he feels the same way. who knows
i’ll be fine.
i dont think i could go no-contact with my mother. my father—well, i’m working on that right now. my mother is a teenager in a 40 year old woman’s body. i hope maybe one day she learns that.
i hope, rather, that one day, when i kill myself, that means something to her. i hope maybe the hurt can get across what she’s missed for very long: that maybe she doesn’t have friends or anyone close to her because she’s a childish loser. i don’t want any of my friends any more
i want to go to my classes and go home and sleep. this is awful. i!! gosh
i would never not think to invite my qpp. never. never! the weather is so nice…the weather makes me emotional, honestly. when it’s nice out, i just really wanna be out.
when i got into my moms car, as she started interrogating me already, i saw my friends across the street.
they’re going to a fancy library. the university one…i’ve never been. god i love libraries though.
i guess the way i need to get through life and friends is to not care this much, and understand that they’ll hurt me. thats just…what my mother does. says she’s fine til she can pretend it never happened. and when it comes down to it, she’ll go “well, yeah, you’re… you don’t care.” and it’ll be true. but she’ll just not think the rest of the time. put it out of her mind. i guess i need to do that too.