helping
i want to help people so badly it's unreal. the damage i do is something that just...it's the perfect cover up for my intentions, and i'd never even realized it, because, as it turns out, i was covering it up myself.
my very very casual friend, he wants attention. and to be seen as his gender. little does he know i've seen him as the most gender in the whole world.
WHY do i want to put extreme amounts of effort in to get close to people just to make them feel seen? why do i care so much about people feeling seen? it's all i want. to make people feel seen. to make them look at me and go, wow, you get it. no one gets it. but you do.
it's all i want. it's why i like teaching. and it's why i like knowing things. and it's why i want to live my life with just one person. to make them feel the MOST seen. so seen that i don't have anyone else. no one else to even see! no matter how little they interest me, truly, what matters is their feelings. what matters is changing lives. even for a short amount of time. i awnt to listen and mimic what people truly yearn for, aside from the basics. someone with a certain attitiude, or osmeoene who talks to them oftem.
i want people to notice men oticing them. i want them to feel it! how nice it is to be truly noticed!
my struggling was worth it, someone saw! someone is willing to give it all up, for ME! they see me! they understand me! they're trying! they care!
i love nothing more in the whole world than being tha tperson to people. i want to be everyone's closest person. and i want NONE of them to know me. i couldn't handle that. i want to be of service and just make people feel better.
sometimes, recently, i get selfish and try talking about my feelings. it's awful and...hell. i never feel understood. i feel shunned, and like an annoyance.
is there no on elike me? is it becuase idon't struggle neough>? those like me don't see me? why???? why can't one person just do it, and come rescue me like i try to so many others?
there are so so so so so many peopleout there. people who i know deserve attention. and no one to give it to them. why can't ijust help everyone?
i look at some many people and i think it would just....be so nice to learn about them. to give them soemone that wants to hear. it hurts me a lot.
i hate younger people.
oliver has been. fucking killing me.
he's younger than me and he scares me. he just... i want to be close with him SO bad. i want to be able to listen to him talk, in a meanigngful way. but he just legit doesn't like me.
it's so hardseeing someone struggle knowing i can't do anything. i hate it i hate it i hate it
i hate seeing people struggle at all. i want everyone to feel special. i want everyone to feel like someone cares nad is looking out for them, even if they can't handle it, they care. they're interested. it's about THEM not anything else.
there areno ulterior motives. it's just you. i just want to know you. i want you to have someone. this is awful and ihate it so much idon't like feeling this way about people. it hurts me really bad. and i dont knowhwy i do it