people Again. sort of a log but we ball
hi. i was supposed to have a test todya, but my teacher was like "what...i told you to do a test on a monday?" and i was like "yes" and she was like "ok well...you can do it tomorrow. LOL." so. SCORE! I can actually study. HUGE for calnation. err
today i want to think about people. what makes people unique. what makes people umm...people we're attracted to. not like. i mean. i meaan, but it is like...its like... UGH UGH UGH ok LMFAO ok ok ok ok ok ok ok
UGH this isss...i don't know. this is something we will never fully understand, right? surely? i'm not talking about just the traits that draw us to people. that's um...that sort of stuff is studied, and it depends on the person, and their life. thats it. i think.
it's about what makes us choose people. if people are ever-changing, and people can be anything, why would we pick one person and stick with them?
hi. its been a few hours. i am where i was on friday of last week. sitting on the floor against the blank wall keeping the lockers sectioned. my locker is right to my left, which is why i feel like i have the right to sit here.
it is 2:29. there are kids walking to class still. there are some at tables. i like being down here a lot, below their eye level. i can occasionally look at a kid, and feel confident they will not see me, and will not, then, think of me at all. it's pretty nice. my music is loud, and good. i errr. i can't help myself from moving at all times. that's a good sign, since usually i sit still for far too long, anddd i forget i am..here..or whatever.
to my left is are two friends of mine, and one of their...uh...hookups. they're the farthest most tables.
my head hurts. this music isn't very good for it, but i like not being able to hear anything. friend #1 just looked at me as he walked across ah. ok. LOLOLOLOL. i think they're...testing the tables. though i'm pretty sure the one they're at is already good enough.
it feels silly trying to watch them like i do everyone else. they obviously know i do that, and have made eye contact with me multiple times. i can't hear them at all. friend #2 ix spoke to me but...we ball.
they've moved one table closer, so, they're pretty close to me. diagonal. i'm very scared that i come off as a predator or something. not in like a pedophile way but like, just being around these people. i want to ask for a receipt. i want a receipt. for my book. i'm using my undertone tickets right now, and i don't want to do that. but friend #2 is ghosting me, and i don't want to talk to them. i don't think they want to be talked to by me. i don't think any of them like me. it's not their fault i'm sitting here, and i don't deserve to just bother them. it probably seems like a game to them. my asking of...anything. it seems like some elaborate thing i'm sure. because everyone knows i do elaborate things. except it isn't, really, i just want something memorable to use as a bookmark. is that so bad?
err...yeah, kind of. sometimes you have to learn to leave people alone, i guess...which is unfortunate. a hard thing for me to do, sometimes. i just don't want to scare hookup. i don't want to be someone who just plays games with people to hookup. though i don't think i have any real control over that, especially considering the way friend #2 seems to be on my ass, as he always is.
even the fact i'm on the floor. they must understand why i'm sitting here; to look at people, and to be special. i must come off as an attention seeker. i just want a receipt. but last time i asked, it bothered friend #2, clearly, so... i can't ask anyone else.
they easily could've invited me to sit with them. i wonder if they didn't for my preference, or theirs? ugh. all i know is that if friend #2 wanted to talk to me, i'd be there. but he thinks i'm always making fun of him. which i'm not. he doesn't understand how much i like him, and always will. OH MY GOODNESS. i guess maybe i do just play with them. but i love them. i guess maybe respect is what they're looking for...but i do respect them. i try to be respectful. i don't think he wants to talk to me. i think... he's acting how i'd act if someone toyed with me the way he feels i do with him. i miss hollis and walt and i don't want to be sitting here caring about this stuff. i miss kim and harry. i misssss. having friends. who wanted me there. it was pretty nice. i wish i didn't need to talk to strangers, a bit...but i also hate this. being known.
tonight i have to study for my math quiz, and keep in mind that i'm skipping fourth...anddd....maybe i could go home even earlier? i could go home at lunch. that'd be fantastic. i could go home at 12:30. that's like...a whole 3 hours. i could read. i could get my chores done.
WHATEVER. i have to study fora math quiz, and read...andd...talk to my girlfriend? rentry maybe...i didn't end up getting to think about people at all. i'll have to try to do that later too.