today
this is killing me. i, about 4 hours ago, cancelled plans with a friend. i have been waiting weeks to hang out with her, and i really wanted to. this is a long weekend… 4 days. and yet i cancelled. because i’m gloomy or whatever.
and some part of me reasons that .. thats a bad thing to do. not for me, but for her. it’s rude. and it probably makes her feel like i don’t want to hang out.
but some other overpowering part of me TELLS me that its fine. and it will be fine. a), i’d just make her depressed. b) i can’t go back on it. it would expose how flakey i am. c) its ok if she thinks i don't want to be close, because it will keep us from being friends.
it would cheer me up a lot to hang out. i very desperately want to ask her to come over. i just can’t.
what if i make her uncomfortable or something? we were planning to play my favourite game, while she was here. it would make me… insanely happy. i don’t have words to describe it. but i don’t want to make her do that. she’s not responsible for my health, and using her to fix it is rude and disrespectful.