New post
i am so thankful for everything. i wish there wereeee.. um, words. its sort of hard to talk, sometimes, knowing that no one will ever be able to truly understand it outside of themselves. but i mean...thats just how we are. it takes a lot to know that others are real. things like, that when they die, they're gone. to you, they're not, because you remember. but some day, you will die, and no one will remember you. and then what. you'll be...actually dead. how horrifying that is.
i just...i honestly um...i wish i could just watch. and learn. but unfortunatelyyy immm. i am full of love. and cannot help but interfere. interfere and prompt anddd..and use my love toooo...to get the most out of it all. to understand people. to know as much as i can about them.
it's... it's not exactly "knowing", though. i don't... i can't remember most things i learn. even things ive spent a very long time waiting to find out. its just...i like um...i like just...being. gosh. it's just very honourable, i think. to be told things. and perhaps i'm stripping that of all meaning by forgetting. but, we're all going to forget some time,, like, when we die. it just feels nice to put it out there. to know that someone could learn. and doesn't everybody like being asked questions?
its so scary for me—probably for everyone else too, but i cant be sure—to love. not, uh, like, the.. the usual parts. not the telling, or the time spent, um.. that stuff. i just feel very trapped. it...like, loving someone means ii...i'm probably more affected by them then they by me. thats not ideal, when i'm living just to learn about people. i don't mind if people get me or not. i...have a lot of history with that, you, reader, may note. I don't think i'll ever feel understood enough to...i don't think anyone will ever want to learn about me the way i do others. not because i'm special, in any special sort of way. just special in a lot of small ways. small ways that ward off people like myself.
but goddamnit, it feels like forever