update
hi
i wonder if me in 2019 (? or some other year? 2020?) understood the ways he was going tonend uo living. i imagine he did. he told his best friend that he would never kill himself unless he genuinely thought no one would be too emotionally affected. he foresaw that he needs a kind of relationship that he can easily cut off. the sort of casual chatting friends where they would asay something like ‘aww ok. be safe!’ upon hearing that i’d be going offline or not on my phone, or something. because i’ve been told my entire life that suicide is selfish. snd it absolutely is. so i need to take these precautions. and he knew that!
a few days ago, i was talking to an ex of mine. me and him used to be very close. he often complimented how it felt like i ‘got’ him and understood him better than other people. i could know how he’d feel about things before he felt them. i always thought that being able to do this wasnt special. i mean, i hear that neurodivergent people are good at that sort of thing, like all the time. pattern recognition and stuff… and i’ve never found it particularly difficult, i judt don’f pay it too much mind. i get stuff wrong too. he just didn’t seem to see the things i got wrong.
when we broke up, i don’t remember much, but i know that this came up. i know that he mentioned how he wws never like that towards me. that he looked up to me—i was always just ‘ray’, how could he be mad at me, or dislike me?—yet he never actually felt like he got me.
my other ex says i’m the closest anyone’s ever gotten to him. but that he’ll never be that for me. and he feels immensely guilty about that, about how he doesn’t seem to actually understand me?
and i don’t know what to do. my best friend (the one aforementioned)—i love her so so so dearly, but i don’t know how kuch she actually gets me. i see her once a year typically.
i don’t know what to do. i mean, i guess i’m just… surprised. it seems like, assuming i didn’t misunderstand, i just got told the Same thing Again by Another person in my life.
mind you, in all of these cases, i’ve TOLD them that they’re the people who get me. they DO. but they’re disagreeing.
i just wonder if they know that i don’t have anyone else. but whatever
i suppose i’m sort of in awe. did i, in 2019, know that it’d be like this naturally? i don’t even need to strive for relationships where i’m not cared for as the closest, most authentic person in anyone’s life. it seems as though no one is convinced they can get too close. or like they’re inadequate. and to think anyone is inadequate to me is to misunderstand me foundationally.
i’m thankful—as always—then. i keep thinking i’m not lonely, which is nice for however long it lasts, until i’m told by everyone close to me that i am, and i’m mistaken.
the issue must be i, then. which is fine. it means from this point onward, i don’t need to make the same mistake, and stuff. and any time i think someone understands, i guess they’re doubting. i don’t think anyone will ever care enough to truly feel confident in knowing me. that’s… unfortunate. and depressing.
but again. it’s helpful i guess. i won’t need to feel bad when i die and stuff.
so, thanks