FUXK ME

log 8

RE: New Post

i have a lot to say. this is good; means i've been thinking clearer. it doesn't always, i mean, there are long periods of time i can't write anything down, for a reason i'm about to try explaining, but this isn't one of those cases, thankfully.

i've been secure in my identity for a little while, first of all. that always makes things easier. my gender identity is a big part of it i assume—to go off on a little tangent, about that, real quick, because i've been meaning to:

man, it's just much easier this way. being trans. i cannot imagine not. whether i use the word or not, i mean...i can imagine that, calling myself transsexual or some other thing (or nothing). but it is undeniable that i see myself as a boy. that won't change. i don't think anything could really change that. i doubt myself sometimes, when i spend too much time looking in the mirror, or whatever else, you know. but the doubt isn't about what i am, the doubt is just caring about what others think.

which, at my best, i do not do. i do not care about what others think. i care in the way i care typically of course—its interesting and i like knowing—but it does not affect the way i see myself. no amount of she/her-ing me will change that. i say, sarcastically, sometimes, "it's ok to be wrong. we all make mistakes." and when people misgender me severely, i sort of think that in a genuine sense. it's not your fault i guess. even if it was on purpose, its not your fault you're stupid. or even if it is, which is...possible, i certainly won't be worrying about it either way!

well anyways. the last time i was this secure in how i was perceived was probably a year and a half ago. november of 2024. not sure if my math is accurate there.

i feel bad these days of course. other than this thing i still haven't explained, this is a very typical time i'm living.

i forget things a lot. it's really annoying...when every few hours, or days, or weeks (BAD BAD BAD, that is TOO MUCH TIME between), you think of a convoluted explanation using words you don't understand, and then think, right after: "holy shit this solves everything. if i keep this in mind forever, i'll be good forever!" it sucks to forget. it sucks real hard.

you can feel it missing. you can feel the allocated time, the time your brain allocated for you, knowing this would happen, telling you "if you had just remembered, you wouldn't need this. but here you go." "oh, and, here's what you were looking at. it was this spot of trees. will you think of that, instead, every time you're stuck?" and the answer is yes, i will. i will think of a part of the car i was in, or a sign nearby, or whatever, instead of my explanation. thank you!

for the past few days, i've had a thing floating around. it's simple. simple enough for me to remember. so i've been able to live, while not forgetting. that's unique. that's...great. it's great.

here's what i've been thinking about:

it does not matter what you believe. how you live, your philosophy. what you believe and your philosophy impact you lots—the ways you think, and view, and reflect. but to make it easy, you can judge your philosophy by, generally, your treatment of others. if your philosophy does not account for others, then it is not something you "live by". it is something you remember, in private, and purrhaps promote to others.

your treatment of others is your life. do not forget that disregarding others is still treatment of them. everything you do, all of your actions, these are about others. generally, i think, you should strive not to be an asshole. to be considerate, and to be open. being open minded is hard, when you're trying to find a philosophy to live by. so you kind of cannot do that. you have to just try remembering what you need, and when you overthink, you need to...probably keep it a You problem. do not let your faults become other's problems—but do not forget that keeping from others can be hurtful too. you owe something to everyone. sometimes what you owe is so little its almost negligible, but it should NEVER be neglected.

i'm starting to think that, if you live like me, you'll never stop thinking. if you make everything you think a you problem, no one will have any real reason to trust you. they will trust you out of "faith", maybe? but you have to trust people too. and get over embarrassment and other silly concepts. be shameful, in a considerate sense. try thinking briefly. don't sit in it.

which is why i'm so glad i've been able to do this! to keep a thought to myself, wait for the chance to think on it, and then continue living. fantastic stuff.

now, regarding "new post", i'm just sort of glad i understand it a bit better now. "fight club" is certainly not meant to be taken as advice, in any way. but i guess i need to try being a person, so i have more than my thoughts to talk about. do ANYTHING to avoid ending up like jack. anything. but also do not forget in what ways you are Like jack! you did, for a while, and you sort of stopped being a person. you gotta be alone sometimes.

right now i am future me. i didnt need you to remind me how it felt. but i appreciate it! i remember very well. and i remember why it was good, in a way you put into words at the time. here it is again: simple, embarrassing shame. sometimes you need that, alone. don't forget, future me, you could be doing much worse things.

to do: