revisiting selfishness
maybe the thing i really don't get is not how to not think this specific thing or how to have that one habit, but just how to not be so selfish. how many hours have i spent just thinking about all the shit i don't get?
and how many hours have i spent writing here, or reciting these sorts of self absorbed rants to myself?
i'd like to think my friends like me. i'd also like to think, hopefully along with their like of me, they don't oft have things to talk about, about me. a lot of who i am depends on these sorts of things--it's why i always prefer one on one relationships. so i can't be realized for how evil i am and whatnot. though i'm working on that.
but maybe, if my friends don't talk about me, it's because they know i won't change. and it'd just be too much work to come and talk to me about something i do or the way i talk or anything. maybe they'd think i have too much on my hands already, or that i'd argue with them.
that would be...very very unfortunate. but it's so likely.
most of my issues, i excuse. i Just Cant, is what i say.
and just like every other selfish person, i am sick of myself too.
just the other day, i was chatting with a friend. we were talking about ourselves, and our behaviours. i went on for a bit too long about myself, and then said "this is a lame topic" and changed what i was talking about. he went "this is not lame but we can change the topic if you'd like". i replied and said, in a manner i often do, "no its just, i said "i" and "me" too many times". he said he knew i'd say that, because he remembered me talking about it a long long time ago.
he could be reading this i guess. so hey.
this surprised me, um, a bit. i forgot that people remember things about me. i've known him for years. i've gone on, so many times, as ANYONE reading this would know i do, about my Things and Issues i have and shit. one of these Things is an Issue i have where i just lose it if i've spoken in first person for too long. not because i prefer secondary or third or something, it just reminds me how selfish i am.
and man. what an example, haha. not only was i doing self absorbed thing, but he remembered that i do that and hate it. i don't think i'd remember...i don't remember anything about anyone. i couldn't do that. and i'm starting to think it's not because of any actual reason. if i just thought of myself less, i'm sure there'd be more room for others.
but what am i actually supposed to do? it never goes away, my own constant need for attention from myself. if i don't put all of my effort in, i don't eat or sleep or do anything Needed. thats average. on Average i don't eat or sleep or do Anything, cuz i put a lot of my attention into things i like and my friends Already. what am i supposed to do??? sacrifice myself? does everyone need to do that? man this is really fucking annoying