Ohh my god I'm not into cucking BTW
Hello All. Title unrelated.
I don't like. Describe myself a lot here. At least not things I find fundamental, unless its like, prompted...or really relevant to what I'm saying. I've been sort of wondering why that is. Here's what I've come up with.
First of all, I've truly stopped caring what anyone who has to read any of this has to think. While I understand that doesn't mean my words will stop mattering, or that none of it will be read, I am the only reader who will really get what I'm on about, and it's really all for referencing in the future.
Second of all, I'm writing to make myself feel a bit better. While I care a lot about what I'm saying here, of course, if it helps me feel better, then, it's done it's job. If it's documenting something it's doing a second job.
That's all for now.
This doesn't mean I'm not embarrassed or ashamed or anything. Of course I am! But I don't need others, per se, to feel that way. Looking back is bad enough Lol.
Oh god I miss him so much. For no reason. No good reason! I can't help but be like, enamoured, a bit, that he did the thing I do. Went on about how he is, and I sort of...ignored it, and then. You know. I can't blame him at all. He probably does not think of me. Which is... Preferable, is what I want to say. Preferable cuz I'm ashamed. But it isn't preferable at all, and obviously I wish he liked me.
Thats enough of that though.
I don't talk about a lot of my direct feelings here. About other people, anyway. I've probably talked the most, in this manner, about how I look...if I had to guess. I don't know why. I keep thinking of my two reasons—aforementioned—but...
I just really do like being...um like, close with people. It just. Sucks so bad! It sucks so fuckiing bad!! I'm not good at it. Fully communicating. Worrying about what page people are on. I think this is probably why I miss him; um, I sort of... didn't worry a lot. With him.
Every relationship is unique. Obviously. It bothers me quite a lot, being understood in so many different ways. Someone more embarrassing might bring up a certain Strider, a character with tons of explicit history with this subject.
Ugh. Brother. See, what even is this? I must've doomed myself the day I first prefaced.
I definitely do not talk about sex here. Maybe once, Actually. This is for a few reasons I'm confident in.
It isn't that important.
I'd prefer people think what they want.
Its a personal thing.
By personal thing, I don't mean just like, to me. I mean between two people.
I don't reallyyy...feel like I need a sexual relationship, with anyone. I am not into it on my own, by any means. I don't sit around fantasizing about anyone. But, thats probably mostly because I have no one to think of. I care more about...people, than anything else. There's a good chance that you, reader, know where I stand on this, but I'll elaborate anyway.
I happen to understand my own sexual preferences. But these are hypotheticals, always—in reality, I'd love to just make someone happy. And...well. that's complicated.
To some people, that'd require me to play a role. Typically under discussed, and stuff. I'm not great at that.
Don't get me wrong. I understand the appeal in under discussion more than anything in this entire world. Not needing to explain is possibly one of the coolest things people can fucking do. There aren't words. The way people feel, when they don't need to use their words...its better than anything else, to some! The game of it all.
But I was thinking recently (or for a while, I guess...), and I've concluded that as much as I'd gladly go along with anything that doesn't need words—(um, as I have, before)—my ideal...sexual situation, would be fully discussed. In a loving way. And how loving IS that? To talk about it?
I just don't need anything. And It sort of makes me sad, to think about all those people out there, wishing someone, literally anyone, would just help them get it over with. Even if it was terrible. Like, why wouldn't I want that? To fuck around in the least shameful way possible?
But, On that, it's... Nearly as shameful as not talking at all, I'd imagine. You'd have to trust that it really didn't matter. Haha this is like me and friends OCs. Jesus christ. Well, it's, like...it is like that, um, like a Scientist and a Subject. To be a subject, to trust someone to...like, help you, properly, that's...pretty embarrassing. But So Romantic. And so Fun. Ugh.
But how do I...well, I don't. There's no need for me to evwr express this I guess. But I couldn't, even if I wanted to. Sex is just too personal. No one would let some guy, whos like, oddly eager, like, learn...how they work. Lame lame lame. If only it were that easy I guess!
I'm sure theres a big community out there, of people who're weirdly into other's "first time". Typically, right, thats because its about...being the one to take it. From them. But I think that's ridiculous! The opposite is way cooler, no??? You could do so horrible they enjoy everything from here on out. You could help someone do better. Get started. Like...whatever. Whatever. I just don't get it. Isn't it hot to have someone trust you to do whatever and see what's nice? What about like, a schedule. A 'To-Try' list. How isn't that fucking awesome. And Both Ways. Holy! You could!!! UGH THATS JUST! Whatevwr Bro. Whatevwr. Whatevvvver. Not important.
I'll likely continue to only have sexual relations when someone else has an idea for me and I sorta go along with it. Apparently my fuck ass idea of peak isn't good enough. Apparently it sounds "a bit predatory" (as if I know any better than anyone else? We're on equal ground.), and apparently not everyone finds it hot to just, be liked, and thought of. WHATEVER!
I'd like to note that the only way someone I think would be into that sorta thing is within some sort of Dog Boy scenario. Ohh stupid dog doesn't know how to do anything and needs you to let him. Fuck You man Why can't just a regular guy want to fuck around in a naive way witnout like, barking or something. FUUUCK YOU
And like. I don't know. I don't know. It's silly to me that there are a few people out there who know I'm like 10000% sexually comfortable with virtually everything and enjoy discussing it, and then, what...what does everyone else think of me? I guess they probably Don't Think Of Me. But surely theres a percentage of people who think I'm petplayer for real right. Horrible. I'm not an Anything Player. I'm whatever someone else is into. If someone else is into it, I'm like, already blushing!!!!! But Nooo. No Callie. You can't talk about it. You can't randomly flirt with people. You can't be all direct and forward, people like their games. You all have to die.
Callie No. You can't have some really odd and unique sexual relationship with just anyone. It wrecks people! It wrecks you! It doesn't matter that it's soooo awesome and attractive and awesome. You're TOO GAY.
Wow. Too gay... Not cool, Me. Not. Cool. They're killing you tomorrkw.
FRRIIICK!!! CALLIE!!!!! YOU HAD TO MAKE YOUR AHOLE.THING... BEING...... SORT OF...... FAUX SMART. But no one even wUGHHH GHH HHHKKK.GHK GHK This must be Dirk. This is wny he ljke 100% stalks Jake instead of just talking to him. He can't fuckim do that. Whatever. Whatevwr. I don't eben...like people that much, so...I don't eben lime. Like. Sex. I don't even like sort of sexual flirting. K do t eben like it. I DONT EVEN