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literally what am i supposed to do at this point like what am i to say to any of this or anything holy shit
how am i going to talk to anybody ever again knowing that theyve seen me so ugly i just can't comprehend them even looking at me in the same way, and yet, here i am! the same place i was five years ago! of this stupid fucking belief that everything i say is being read through the eyes of someone who sees me as ugly anddd. and that constricts me. and its just true. its so true. as much as i know it's false, which i do of course, its only false to some people. there are many out there who are in fact reading my word differently because of how freaking hard i am to look at. and its just. holy fuck i hate everybody Its hard to think there are people out there who don't feel that way.
but of course i'm thankful they don't and its hard to explaint his because i'm arguing for it being true in my case. but i understand that its the same as all that shedtwt bullshit where no amount of "but just for me" makes it work. and you have to love yourself and shit to love other people. i was getting there ir eally was but i can't do it any more. i do not love myself in any regard and i was so close i was really getting to a point where i understood what there was to like. i just don't anymore. and it seems like those closest to me, whom i love the upmost, agree that there is nothing, and they've, what, known that the whole time? like i hate all of you. i hate all of you. i do not want to think about this any more. i hate crying over how i look. because i dont' even think i'm THAT!!! FUCKING UGLY!!! but that doesn't matter it just doesn't because i kind of am and that hinders who i am as a person and it always will and this is so fucking stupid.
but i think this is how its supposed to be. you are supposed to have people take bad pictures of you. and you are supposed to be OK with that. and i am--because people have been taking bad pictures of me forever--but not my friends, man. people who don't like me. and that's been fine. but jesus fucking christ i just. its so hard. and i just. i won't talk to any of you the same after this.
i have consistently given up uh any sort of...well, more like, i've given everything up. that is a trait people like in me, i guess. that i am gneuine and stuff. and authetnic. all da time . but i can't do it anymore. i can't!!!! how am i supposed to !!!! do that knowing that it could just mean nothing and it could be used for some shitty joke in a gc i'm fully aware of lik eoh myg od i cannot do this bruh
i am just sensitive an di'll get over this shortly and its whatever. it is how youre supposed to be and i will be like that. i will be fine. but good fucking lord
and what i don't get is how all of you could do that to me. am i that bad? is it so bad you didn't even consider if i would care? am i the sort of bad where this was some sort of lighthearted genuine jab at me for all the ways i've hurt you all? it just has got to be. i hate it so much and i feel so fucking betrayed but there's just nothing to be do ne and its my fault fo rbeing evil to you i think. whatever
thanks
hi im back i just hate everyone i hate all of you i odn't know why anyone eouwld do that to me and you know. people have probably been shit talking me in gcs forever. and you probably didnt even consider this "shit talking" but holy fuck