owe #2
hjjj I’m . here again . it would all be so much easier if i lived unaware. it would iusf be so morally wrong I’m not sure how i’d do it.
to live a life alone, doing the bare minimum—or kore than, which i only dont do because i have people in my life. no friends = no care about judgement—and working minimum wage or whatevr till i kill myself? i dont know. id be purposefully oblivious and careless to everyone and everything. is that not an evil way to be?
i just wish for it so badly. i .. cannot particularly put into words just how badlg i wish i still lived that life. i would not think. i would not worry about interactions, i would jot worry about myself. i wouldnt care how i looked, i would study. i wouldnt care what my profile picture was, or what music i listened to. none of that would matter, and i would feel wonderful.
i guess i owenit to those in my life to live. i just hate it. i hate this. i want to die. i just eant to do nothing until i die. i will die alone. i dream of it, actually. i picture myself—suicide via plummet, because when i’m uo high, i get bad intrusive thoughts, so it’d be harder to stop myself—alone. no contacts on whatevwr phone i have. no one knows me. no one will rememebr my name. my family is dead. my friends are gone. i dont know. it would be the most freeing id ever feel.
i dont like owing it to people to live. i, for their sake, do not want them in my life, because i, for my sake, am lazy, and do not want to improve. i self deteriorate at a rate i can not unferstand. to “grt better@ is to lead myself back here, bit by bit.
whafever. write less think less do more idk
thanks