thoughts #1
hhh i find myself here again, like. wishing i didn’t know anyone.
i’m sick at the moment, and increasingly ‘out of it’z . i feell… very lonely.
i miss my qpp quite a lot. theees this image i have etched into my memory. its from a time i gisited his house. we were laying in a position that was so comfortable i really. had no complains .. which is a big deal for me. and i was looking at a mirror across his room. in the reflection were some vines hanging on the wall opposite it. half of it was colored golden by the sunset. his fan was on low, and his house was quiet.
i miss it a lot. i miss laying with him very much. i just… id lay with anyone. it would never mean as much as him. nonetheless i just miss everyone So fuckimg. much right now
i really like seekl. i think maybe a big bbig part of whh i like it is because they all bond without pfps or knowikg akytjing aboht eachother aside from what they type and their setting. its so charming to think that a random colour and 5 random letters like is all they have go define eachothr but that doesnt matter. they dont need anybmore than that. profiless stress me out. everuthing does. i dont like being categorized like man
i feel. as though i will neverbe. free from ghat and while id like to accept it its just hard
it feels like the only thing thats been truly keeping me from suicide is my ego, in a way . its. pissing me off so badly i dont know what to do
i’m jyst. its the same wyat i dont try new things. i dont know how id ddeal with the aftermath if itfailed (which seems rather likely) and thats So much new shit that just. voids everything before it. itsss. pathetic
my brother used to laugh at me for saying if it werent for my pain tolerance id cut myself
but like then i did cut myself, as i got over it
id be talking ti myself when i was out sorting the firewood. his wjndow would be open andhe wiuld laugh ag me that way.
it iust means nothing this is iust wasted time. such wasted time
it doesnt matterrr. how long i have sat visualizing killing myself in however many ways it just doesnt fucking batter like at all. it doesnt matter how many suicide notes ive written because it jusf. it wont happen i cant do it
it doesnt matter how much i miss cutting myself!’nnn!!! because i just cant now and i wont. i wont go to any extrems. i cant. i have too much to lose
i dont have enough scars i dont have enough . will to do these things. so it iust doesnt matter
and writin thsi doesjt matter. none of tjis does