understanding!
(if you think that you're strong enough) nice dream
(if you think you belong enough) nice dream
the thing that i failed to understand, and the thing that i am sure some other me will say I am not understanding, is that it gets worse. oftentimes, it feels like it cannot before it does.
a way to try to combat this is to always be "worse". whether in truth or in some sort of illusionist sense, it will help you understand yourself, and not take things for granted.
one of the most often times (i think) people think of themselves all split-up-like, is when they are ill. this is pretty commonly accepted i think. when your body betrays you, you're more aware of how Not You it is, and how the you who didn't care to take note of this, was silly.
so, if you live your life acting ill, you will notice these things without the consequences.
although in my case, i only told myself it was illusion and Acting. it wasn't. and i thought, somehow, that i had it handled. like this would be any different.
and that's that. as soon as i start going on about some "it's the same it always has been", it's the same it always has been. that realization never gets old. but the gap between each time is getting larger. and that's awesome.
this illusion thing, thinking i was just acting the worst while suffering Some of the consequences...it was stupid, and i regret it. i wasn't that bad at all. i.. mean, i was, but not in any way comparable to now. i don't know how i got here exactly. but i do know when i realized.
about ten minutes ago, when i finished making myself food. my parents arent home, and we have nothing instant. so i microwaved some rice and added black bean sauce from my ramen. as i was washing my hands while the rice heated up, it occurred to me that i don't quite recall the past few conversations i've had with Anyone. other than, you know, with my friend who was at my house just an hour or so prior.
and it just could've been normal. and i hate this. i hate it so much i can't help but start putting true care into my actions, and being genuinely thankful for things around me. what an awful awful awful awful way for me to be. i guess, based on my past writing, i tend to end up spending all of my time thinking about other people.
and i fear that i think that's a good thing. i know that I really don't think it's a good thing—i remember just recently i was talking with ... someone who i can't recall, about how fucking insane my past writings are, and how bad i was. i don't really want to agree with them, then, honestly, yet here i am.
and i'm so...i want to be worried so bad. in the past few minutes i've kept becoming extremely fearful before moving on. i wish i didn't do that.
because i really would like to think about the things i tend to tell myself. like how it's good to express yourself even though it is so so tiring. and stuff about how i'm betraying everyone when i feign my stability to such a degree. but i just know i won't be able to. and it's a waste. and its time better spent doing work or cleaning or something. man
fuck my stupid fucking baka fucking life. holy shit. maybe it'll go away. maybe somehow this will go away in an hour or so. it'll be record time. i'll be fine.
well fuck me. this is...hard. to write. i'm just writing to future me. i don't know how anyone else will interpret anything here, and it just doesn't matter, because i was already so bad. what words are there to use here, even? i am indescribably worse. but assuming i'll keep acting like this, i guess it won't look like that. it'll look...better, probably. talking more and shit. i don't want to do that. i just want to take time off and be alone. but being alone is what causes this i think. so what the fuck ever, man. this is meaningless.
i feel so much regret for ever ever trying to talk about this or anything relating to this. this is all so so so much bullshit that all means nothing. i hope it never means anything to anyone—i hope that doesn't sound too angsty to say, but why would i ever want it to? and thats what i was trying to do, talking about it, and explaining myself, just so much nothing. i am so so sorry. holy fuck
i guess what it's all about is that this is not special. and in writing it down, having someone read it, i'm giving that impression, or Trying to. but it isn't. everyone gets depressed i think. and it's not anyone's fault, and there's nothing to be done about it.
thanks