recently
recently, i lost all of my apetite. that's not particulalry uncommon, as i used to be sort of odd about my eating, (as many are, mind you), though i'm not sure why.
i have been very thankful recently. because, firstly, my grades are at an all time high (if high includes a ratio of effort. technically, they were the highest in gr9, but gr9 is like... a whole nothingburger. so none of that really counts. none of it counts towards my graduation either so whooo caresss.
an all time high. i have been doing pretty fantastic on tests and whatnot, understading all the matieral, handing things in (sort of) on time. i have two zeros at the moment. and i'm still passing the course. wild! i might even go hand them in for fun. i used to think like that a lot. like, "oh, i'll just do it for fun one day and then my grade will go up with practically no effort! and all will be well and everyone will love me..." alas. alas!
my friends are. .. well. i got dropped by someone i cared about a lot, recently. he's... dramatic in nature, so i got a whole "this is the last time we will ever speak." thing. and you know what? it was kind of fine. i really didn't mind that much. i already felt lik ehe'd do that... and as much as i liked him, i knew he just hated me bad. it's... ufnortunate. a lot of unfortunate things have been happening to me. i feel fine about most of them though. i've been bonding with my friends, and making new ones. my relationship with my mother is great right now. my room is clean.
and yet, i just... can't seem to speak to anybody. during school, i can talk for maybe five minutes before tapping out. i don't know why. i start walking away before i even understand why i'm doing it. then i get to my destination, and... istill don't know. i just know that i can't go back. i can't see people.
not even like, online. i answer inasnely selectively. it's gotten to a very selfish point that upsets me to think about. i'm basically ignoring everyone until i need them or want to talk to them. i really truly can not muster anything more than that right now. but i don't have a reason.
and they all support me, obviously... i don't need a reason, they say.
but then, how do i know i'm not abusive? isn't this what abuse it? isn't this what being a bad friend is?
i... always feel like this. it just gets so bad sometimes that i can't do anything about it. this is one of those times.
being told that its ok will just encourage me to be... evil and mean and... use my friends. unfortunately.
so i don't know how i feel. i feel like so... myself and a person yet i don't know why i'm doing anything and i can't think about it under any circumstance. i keep skipping which is fun, though.
its nice because like. i genuinely think that everything will be okay. i don't need anybody. awww but i Want people dude i like being close to people and having them and talking to them Whatever.
i've been locking into writing for my oc ship which is banger. i'm glad me and... the guy who made them with me are so close now. he got me into expressing myself, for real.
i like shakespare too. poems are cool. his writing is awesome. i think about the friend that dropped me a lot. in some part of my head, we must still be friends. maybe that's why it's been so easy to handle? i'm nottt. sure.
whatever. nothing is wrong. there is nothing to blame my feelings on.... so i guess there's really nothing even wrong at all. that's... nice.
thanks