these days
this is.. awful.
to a degree, i have talked about, many times, my anxiety surrounding oweing people things. i dont lik eit and i dont 'like' being cared about. it makes me feel so guilty i like. i cant. i cut people off when they care too much and i treat them oddly if i'm told so. i guess. gosh.
this is all because One Guy said i was reserved. and i never thought i was. whatever.
i keep acting insanely selfishly. i think when i got to a point like this before, what i did was.. start thinking. thats what im doing now.
i get depressed and dont think and dont talk to people whatever.
but now like.. i'm thinking and. i just can't do it. normally i'd liek.. be talking to someone. telling them about it. but i can't. i really can't. i can't voice anything right now. i do not trust anyone close to me. at all. i do not trust that any of them truly care about me or would listen. or understand. at all.
i owe it to them to explain, however. i don't know what to do i really really cannot voice anything. normally i'd repeat that a lo. "i cant i cant i cant" until i could. until i caved and fnally spoke. but i. i keep trying and i keep not being able to. i'm fearing that the only way i can even fuckimg. do anything is by sharing this blog. id on't know what else tod o. i don't wnt to.. do that. at all. but i can't. i'm .. sweating just thinking about doing that.
god i hate words that refer to the body. hands arms 'brain' legs body. i hate them because they bring a picture. i don't like being pictured. i cna't even get into that aspect of this or i'll die. i truly can not fathom how i am cared about despite looking the way i do. and the only way in which i fathom it is within the constraints of understanding that is a selfish way to think. to disregard other's care. is not a ogo dway to be.
and i kee just not being able to talk. this is .. this has never gone on for this long. this has never been this bad. my life is so good.. i am doing so good at hiding it. i am doing so fucking good that no one is noticing. normally that doesn't work. my life is perfect right now. i have nothing to complain about... and no one is noticing. and thats'... good. because thats what i feel like i deserve. obviously. but i understand the harm this odes. i'm just.. very odd right now.
i have never been prouder. i am so proud to have achieved this. to be able to keep shit to myself, truly. to not put.. fault or owrry on tohers. this is something i haven't been able to do for a long long long time.
normallly my wrod is meaningless. my words are... jumbled and nothing. it makes it hard for people to care about me. i never know how i feel.
but right now i just... i dont know. this is all true. and k just. if i don't... share it to anyone, then i don't need to worry about it being misunderstood, or 'wrong'. i can just.. be like this. not talking.
i feel bad. i owe it to One person to talk. but at the same time, perhaps this. isnt what he meant. i do not lie and i do not particularly hold back. i just... haven't been expressing my negative feelings. the guilt of it, specifically talking about it with him, has gotten so bad i believe i've had continous dreams about it.
there are.. multiple ways one could feel after reading this and i just... dont want any of them.
maybe concern? concern for me. understanding that i'm probably lying or what i'm saying isn't true. concern for my wellbeing... maybe with advice. you meed to speak to people!!!
or maybe guilt? for not 'doing enough' to let me talk to them? for things they probably just assumed based on the tone? giving me sorry's?
or, likelier than those, i suspect, a whole lot of... nothing. what is one to say to any of this anyway? isn't this just another one of my?? fuck ass things i go through? isn't this being a teenager? isn'tt his what everyone goes through? isn't this my issue?
and it is. it is my issue. how am i to solve it without others? how am i to solve it without guilt?
so what the fuck am i expecting from people? what am i missing. i don't wnt them to.. read any of this, and yet i can't talk to them. i'm pushing them away for no reason. what am i supposed to do. get over it, i guess. i just.. want to feel cared for. but i truly .. do not think i'll let my self be cared for. if i had a therapist , they'd tell me to get over it. they'd tell me this is my own issue, and i shouldn't drag others in. that this is a self esteem issue or smething. that this is my fault. and anything bad that comes from this: like if i talk to someone, is my fault, too. it's .. all because of me. no one else has done anything wrong. they're being wrongfully punished by me, emotionally. i don't know what to do.
i'm scared. i'm scared that maybe it'll seem like i truly hate them... but then again, what do i want them to think? that i lik ethem? that i'm ...? i just need time? i... don't know. i don't know what this is. what this is supposed to be. if this is nothing. is this a mood swing? its been about a week and a half now. ahh more like.. its been 13 days. i should keep it up, is what i think. i should reassure them. everyhing is alright and... i'm just .... ill and don't feel good.
these days i sit and don't think for long periods. i read messages and then set my phone down and sit. i make conversation when i'm around others, but i opt to be alone every time the option is there. i use my time well... i do my school work, i study when needed, even. i shoudl just keep doing this. i don't know what i'll do if someone hears me talk.
whatever they say, i won't feel cared about. which i absolutely just. don't deserve, anyway.
these days... its getting hard to not wish i was just like... being used. for something other than emotions. if i could just provide for anyone in any way, i'd be so happy. i would not mind who it is, or for what. i want no one in my life. i want to provide for... one or two people, and to maybe be casually cared for by them. only for what i provide. i need them to agree that i'm hard to look at, and that i am of no value. it's hard to not cave to this, recently.
when others tell me how bad they are, i cry. and i am more thankful than i ever have been, to talk to them. to thin kthat they trust me with that information. but when i confide in people... i don't know what's wrong with me, but it seems like no one... understands my cries for help. which is all it ever is, i am guessing. i do not believe these people... or trust them. i want to die. but it's alright because everything is good.
i fear when someone asks when i'll be okay again. only.. in concept.
in reality, when they ask, i'll say "ahh i'm not sure. hopefully soon!! i'm sorry :(". because i... am getting better. at hiding it. and i am so thankful. it makes me so happy, in the moment. to know that i'm.... doing the right thing, not expressing myself. not caring for others as they supposedly crae for me, and... keeping myself safe.
i would really like. to be hugged by my friends. i am scared i'll cry the next time i get one from them. truthfully, in the moment, i'll likely be so out of it that i don't even have time to understand that when they hug me.. its support. and its out of care. i won't be thinking of that at all. i'll be waiting to go home. i'll be waiting to be alone.
i wish when i spoke i could convey anything more than what disorder i may fit under, or w
!! my mom just walked in. i instantly forgot about this.
or what they are suppsoed to do to help. that's... the thing for me, i think. i wish they didn't feel like advice is what i want. i just want them to care. i want them to be hurt by my hurt. i want them to relate and want to hug me. i want them to be thankful i'm alive.
!! i want them to feel everything that i can not feel for my self. i want them to argue with me when i disagree. i want them to view me as... close and important. but i fear no one's close and important will be as close and as important as mine are. i fear it will never be reciprocated.
if you're reading this, which i suspect someone will, sometime, maybe soon.. maybe after i'm done. i... don't know hwat to say to you. i'd like to thank that you didn't, yet, let you know that i truly wish you had never met me, in spite of whatever positives you have gained from our relationship. no matter what hardships i've saved you, i wish someone else saved you. and what i've been through, and what i feel, is no where near as bad as anything you have gone through, or will go through. nothing. you have had it worse. this is... whining. do not take it seriously do not feel the need to be thankfuli 'm here.
thanks