log 17
i've been thinking about fandom, and getting other people into the things you like. like, what that means, for you two. it means a lot, right? because you are what you like, in a way; at the least, there are parts of you in there, and you want them to see it. or maybe you want them to see themselves in it. or see you both in it, together...or be into it together, setting the thing aside?
i've spent a very long time caring about the identities i have. the ones on the internet; i've long thought i have no control over my real life identity, for various reasons unrelated to this topic. i've been under the impression i'm sort of OK at being these me's i create, because, well, people seem sort of interested in me! that's what i like. that's the fun of it. all of my rentries, and bios, and stuff...i try to talk to people through it. to make them feel like they already know me a bit. and i think it sort of works. some people think i'm cool!!! they say things like
yoy seem so cool oh my god bruh :cry: :cry: hit me up twin please lets be #oomfs
i don't know who you are butwas going through rentries with swear words. found /fuck then found you i have no idea what any of the stuff on it means but ithink i explodedyou lot seem. cool
ok wow light mode is super duper light. Ok so i habe an origin story .ok. Like i was searchibg up rentry urls for fun and i decided to look up /fuck Ok., and um i read a lot of it ok Sorry and i found mention of /daisuke so i wnet to daisuke SO BOOYAH IM HERE NOWOK!!!!! yoire actually cool ok yeah Woah this is long ok bye. skibidi.
and i think about these messages fairly often. not directly, but they influenced me...they um, sort of reflect this dream i have. to be around, and seem like i'm doing something with my life, with myself. this dream has people seeing me, and thinking, he's got it figured out. he's doing things, and maybe if he weren't already on some set path, we could be friends.
i wonder if this is a dream because it would explain why no one tries being close with me. sometimes i get sad about it, about how alone i am, but i chose & choose to be, so...can't wallow in that for too long. but it'd be nice, wouldn't it? if people WANT to talk to me, but they don't, for some other reason. i guess this is maybe a downside to talking to people directly. it doesn't let anyone...find me. no one just happens on me, i guess. i'm always talking to them first! i just...i don't like it a lot these days.
and i know my current friends want to know me. but...i don't think they wonder about me. i think they like friendship, and enjoy my company, you know, and stuff, but i...and i know i'm no one to speak on this...i just think it's easy to forget i am just as human as everyone else.
you think those are related? my own habit of dehumanizing people, and the habit others seem to have, dehumanizing me? doesn't...everybody do this? am i the only one trying to stop?
but maybe i got this all wrong, and no one is thinking this hard. maybe i'm just unapproachable, or too angsty to want to know. too angsty to like, try understanding, or fixing. too defensive?
thinking like this, about this, will get nowhere. i know it. which is why i'm writing. maybe i'll stop thinking about it now.
um...but what. ugh. like, ... what if i'm good at knowing people? i'm told that, right? maybe i made it up, or its all circumstantial...or maybe it's true! maybe i'm good at knowing people. then how could i ever expect to be known? wouldn't that be like, my job? it feels selfish, for me. i feel, um...very self centred, when i choose not to instigate conversation, or choose not to put on a facade to have a good chat. i don't know! everyone deserves to feel like...to know there's someone out there curious about them! and it's true, i really am curious. even though i'll forget about it all, the person and themselves, all of it—i still wanna know. want them to know i wanted to know.
i don't know. i don't know how aggressive i am, you know? do people see me as generally stoic and rational? do i let people talk? or am i a judgy bitch that talks over people? how am i to know these things? how could i ever know? isn't that like, subjective? this just. this is annoying. i want to be a blank slate so badly. but then i'm sitting around remembering just...how little it seems anyone wants to know me! like, boy, you WANTED THAT! you choose to be nothing! alllll the time!
and then i hear myself, and i think, what fucking year is it? you've been saying this for years. you sit and you wonder "why doesn't anyone get it, that i'm a liar?", and you're all dramatic, and it's...it's nonsense. this is all nonsense, and irrelevant. i just need to focus on being a better friend. a good friend. a good person, maybe.
i just think. i might be too mentally ill for friends and a life and a sense of self! and i don't like hurting my friends. and i don't like trying and trying and getting nowhere. i cannot handle being that weak. why is this guy such a jackass? hello? does anyone know? guy who is addicted to being alone: i'm so lonely ("addicted" = completely and utterly logically & rationally convinced he HAS to save everyone from himself!!! while it turns out all o fhis bad habits ARE the complex ITSELF i mean what complex who)
whatever. i'm going to go watch supernatural. this will cure me. oh fuck me typing that made me sad OK WHATEVER IM LEAVING im going to eat food and clean and be happy and shit. my friends love me and i love them. just 'cuz one guy doesn't like you and you're salty does NOT give you the right to be an asshole. for the record that is unrelated to this post but i have to remind...myself...anyway.
thanks
this is so silly. does anyone ever feel better about themselves 'cuz i laugh at their jokes? does my respect or care meannn. anything. to anyone.