thoughts #4
this is actuaally working. its nice! nice because i know its long lasting, and assured. not nice to experience. i am sabotaging myzelf Every day in so many endless ways butt but it is Ok.
i really iust only do school now. i dont really like being near my friends unless i’m in a really fantastic mood. its getting more often that i have to force myself to speak at all—to the extent where i dont even pay attention to anything i say—to everyone around me.
every day when i fear that someone will feel bad for me or think i’m upset, i lie to their face to cover my ass, and, to my knowledge, its working perfectly fine. i get to smile and say Something that i’m unsure of and i’m not even thinking or present at all.
i dont know what to say.
i’m letting people down, like, by the minute. not talking to basically anyone unless they talkt onme first, and lying about why!!!!
it feels like i’ve successfullyseperated myself from thise around me and it’s nice. when i’m upset, i’m entirely alone. i have no one to support me, no one to even talk to, or anything. and in a way, setting aside mynegative feelings during those moments, i’m thankful!! thats exactly what i’ve been trying to do and knowing i wont hurt anyone by being open but hurt them in a waythat teaches them nicely snd smoothly, is nice.
i’m starting to consider that i’m living just like my mother at the moment. dissociated entirely and whatnot.
its rewarding in a way . heing asleep for hours leaving myself no free time. i just really . have nothing to do. i dont desire to do smything and i’m so stressed about school. eating is whatever as well
i walk to the stire ajd buy my friends things with the little money i have left. i talk to my mom sbout whatever and listen to my same 20 songs on repeat . i take notes and do work and do chores and sleep.
i have a lot of nightmares but its OK!!!!!!!!!
i’m just thankful i’ve been able to be like this.
if i knew someone very closely, and noticed them acting the way i am, i’d write to them. i’d write a long paragraph or two. they would say What’s happened? surely younknow its not good for you, but i understand why anyone would be that way. is it on purpose? are you seeking something? have you genuinely considered stopping?
i ussed to write like that all the time. to my ill friends
and its relieving knowing that no one i know wouod rver try to help me with such thought. its like they cant consider people on a deeper level. or do even little things, aithout me asking. because i dontthink i truly deserve that. i hopentalking less helps me get better at paying attention to and caring about those around me. i hope i keep it casuao andntheybdont care back. truly
thanks