jesus fuckign chdist
I am so sick of this. Wjy does this always ahooen?
Well, probably because its a teminder that like, im failing myself and everubody and all of thwt. And thathe little things matter. Nothing pisses mf off more. That i acknowledge allll the little things fo everybodg and i KNOW them all and that doesnt change jack shit!!!!! Knowing them doesnt stop me from fucking uo in ways that people notice nad that form me as a persob and a rexognizable identity. Nkt wt all. Never everrrrr stops.
I wonder if some day this will be gone for as long as i need it to be. Gone long enough that i can sit down and make sense and have shit to say about real things. Actual things to say.
As it js, i cannot see that! Like holy Fuck! It doesnt matter HOW i feel, my brain is Mush!!!!!!!! Is everybodg like this?
Trying doesnt even matter. Trying means nothing. Trying is a game that i male into somethi g logic. It isnt a way i live and it certainly isnt authentic. I dont know HOW to be authentic!!!!!!!!! I dont know ANYTHING!!!!! its so fucking. Oh my god. I know Nothing. When im sad all i know is how bad i want to die and shit and when im happy all i know is in the moment and everything i know just instantly disappears fhe second i like, glance in its direction.
I have no memories. Do people have solud membories? I dont know what im making up. Im not sure ive ever been confident in anything. If you put me in a room, like, locked me in it. Under any circumstance. Like, wt my own house. You lock me in my room. Id forget everything. I wouldnt know what happenedd and what didnt. And it wouldnt matter. Nothing wohld natter. Within hours id be thinking about how to kill myself! Which OBVIOUSOY is NOTHING and means NOTHING because id NEVR DO THAT. but FUCK MAN!!! i got ZEDRKOKOO vices. NNOTHINGGG. anymore. Nothing. What the hell am I suppsied to do? Well, i guess what i do is i lash out at peiple now. WHAT THE HELLS THATA LL ABLUT! USED TO BE A JOKE!!!!! a genuine joke! Id NEVER blow up on prople! And yet here i sm. Holy FUCK dude. Nothing means ANYTHING. I have nver known ANYTHING.
And what, i just have to keep living? Living? Living? LicingM ? Is that??? What that is? I know nothing. What is somone ssuposid to evene fucking do with that. All my stupid fucking feelings ablut things are.. so unfathomably flakey. I am nobody!!!!! And any identity i have has never meant JAC K KKK!!!!!!!!
I cant believe id noramally care about these fucking typos. You know what id say
That it means a lot. Hat the typos rxpress my mood (maybe true) and they seem corny and i shouldnt do them if i want to mean something. Although, they do, again, get across the tone, shich can be helpfulf or viewers LILE DDUE SHITTTTT UPPO SHUT UP SHUT UP WHAT ARE YOU TALJING ABOUT!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHO CARES?????? WHOOO??? HAS THAT EVER MATERED? has ANYTHING youve EVER SAID mattered at ALL??????
Ofcourse, hed say, becsuse we have lekple in our life, and you fant let them down. And yeah, for sure, whatever man. But they dont understand. I am NOBODY!!!!! nothing has meant ANYTHING!!!!!!!! how is anybody supposex to hear that and be fucking fine? That the lerson they know, sometimes, isnt anybody? And doesnt remember an- oh, wait, he NEVER remembers anything. About zAnybody but HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!
he cant even Fucking rememebr. HIS KWN MEMORIES!!!!! ALL he knows are FuCK ASS SCENES FROM HIS CHILDHOOD!!!!!! and what it fuccking felt like.b and obviously his feelings are EXTRAORDINARLY RELUABLEHOOOLLYYY FUCK!!!!!! .
this is fuxking annoying. I dont want to do this or feek this way. I cant even fucking. Dude. Oh my stupid fucking god. This is so fucking ridicukous. Ghat stupud Me wont even let me talk. I just cant even. Do anything sbout this. I have no vices. This is all i have. My word. Which. Is the most meaninglessthing. Jve enevr even.
And ther eare so many people out there who surely understand how i feel.and that meand Nothing. It means nothing.
Wjy the fuck!!! Woyld i care about the fact kther peiple have been as sad as me!!!!!!! It never even occured to me to do thst til RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! i may be the WORST PERSONALIVE!!!!! becuase im not even fhat fucking bad! Just!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!
And these are Big dramatic words. Bjt WHATVEER YES ILL GET LVER IT OR WHATVEER FUCKKK MY BAKA STIPID FUCKING LFIE I LROBABLY WONT E EN BE FHCKING HAUNTED BY IT OR ANYTHING SINCE I HAVE!!!!!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! 0000000 ZERRRRROOOOO VICES!!!! ZERO CONSEAUENCES FOR BEING AN EGOTISTICAL PIECE OF SHIT FOR 80% OF THE DAY EVERY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK