oh so much bullshit
ok man like whatever. nothing is ever good here cuz good stuff goes on my forrrr real blog. tbut this will go here.
this is very ... alike to last june, which was BAD.
its just the idea of doing work outside of class--and not just like, some general thing, like, sitting down, and thinking about that, it makes me feel sick. becuaseit feels like i can't. like i legit just can't.
i miss being grounded, actually. i actually did my work. but i can't now! cuz i have other stuff to do, and my friends. which i have two talk two.
i keep going to physically write two and purrhaps its kind of driving me insane LOL.
whatever. is this a good thing? i was so, so happy in june. it's hard for me to think about. i knew it andall. i realy did know it. every day i was so losing it, but i was so, so happy. in hot weather. thats fuckinf crazy. and all with fucking..eito aotsuki on my mind. but it wasn't realy eito i dont think. and
thinking back, the idea i had associated with hundred line, and eito, was so made up! i have no idea what the FUCK i was on! was itthe music? or the summer?
i think...it was probably the friendship and stuff. i just was so, so free. in a way i've never been before. and i was sleeping allday and playing games with my friends whenever, and they wouldnt mind if i was asleep, and i didn't really felt like i particularly m attered any special amount or any special way to anyone.
corny cornball phrase but i used to really think a lot abouth ow i could be so happy i could die. but i legit could . i legit legit couldve. it felt like i couldve died. and it wouldve been such a good time too like. ok not in an emo serious way, but it just. wouldve, because i wouldve been so full and it wouldve meant so much.
which by the way, is miserable. i'd never kill myself in that spot; and i made an agreement to only kill myself (if at all) in the complete opposite position, anyway. so that'd never work out.
but gosh it wouldve been so fucking nice. and i would've been so free.
not that i'm particularly trapped but whatever man.
it was about going to the library with my friends, and it was about walking to tims on my own, being content on my own, and not worrying about anything. knowing my friends, upon not seeing me, would not worry even a little bit.
in the months prior, i was insanely insanely depressed. and i was depressed for a lot of summer as well. depressed and so immensely suicidal and so...on edge, and so whatever. and i'd skip and go to tims and write in my notebook about how awful i felt.
i don't remember when it became going to tims to write in my notebook about the weather and my friends and stuff. but i'm thankful for that time anyway. my friends, at the time, just felt like what friends are supposed to feel like.
as much as i love homestuck, i wish i wasn't thisinto it. which is something i've wished since i first started it. cuz i knew this would happen.
i just hate, hate hate hate hate hatebeing overwhelming like this. i hate it. i like it when people sort of don't have anything in particular associatedwith me, and i'm justsomeone they know.
it is very scary dating someone romantically. i'm not a big fan of being liked. it's horrifying and means so much that i cannot understand. but itll be fine i guess. it is just very stressful and i sort of regret...putting myself in this position.
which isn't ... super true, like, thats not how i really feel. i'm glad. i just like escaping. and i don't like feeling like this. but most of the time i'm not. i'm so, so so so thankful! for everyonbe.
but not right now. right now i am trapped. um, it's stressful knowing..i would never consider suicide right now. 'consider'--yet i'd never go through with it, nor think of it as an option, so--is this the right word?
this is all too much. i would like to sleep and do my work and talk to nobody, but be known. i'd like to show up and be liked, and leave as i please. i'd like to disappear quite a bit.
i wish i could like...take my boyfriend with me...but i can't. or, i couldn't. if i was to do this. he isn't here in real life! if he were, i could, for sure, yes.
and i mean. i ached. lots. sitting at tims alone. i was being masochistic.
like, all that stuff. all that stuff about how i can't harm myself anymore (not in any For Real way), so i need to let the cold sting and things like that. i think it was like that. i was so happy on my own, and time with my friends felt very fake. in a good way. it just felt good to think they could be perfectly fine without me. and didn't mind it at all. and maybe missed me a bit, sure, but like...would be okay. maybe that's why i think of suicide when i think of this era? because that's...? ideal? but not ideal enough, in my opinion. being known at all isn't on the table.
so i ached. i ached for people, but knew it was better this way. my antics couldn't reach them this way. and seeing them so little, i knew how to behave when around them. i'm losing that, right now. and it feels very messy. i feel like a mess. which i was at the time, but i was MY own .. mess. and it was no one elses deal at all.
i need this again. very badly. but i also don't know that i could handle it. leaving my intineret boyfried and m boyfriend. i don't know if i could leave them. not...leave them, lol, but like...leave them.
ughhhhhhhhgghhhh. could you fuck off!
i want to be thankful. i want to be reminded of things. i don't want to forget. i want to .. UGHHHGHHH.